I’m sitting here with the smoke rolling having a surreal moment. I’m writing you today, in a moment of highest vulnerability. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries pretty much sums up a state of mind. A state of mind, that I felt I lived most my of life. I don’t know if I’m up, down, left, right, wrong, want to live, want to die, happy, sad, stressed, manic, on a binge or sober. I don’t know if my natural disaster is a hurricane, tornado, earthquake or avalanche. What I do know is that I am, at a point, in my life where I have no choice, but to grow up at the ripe old age of 38. I mean what is left of it. I mean I only have lived 1/3 of my life, right? I don’t know you put numbers and letters together and my brain shuts down. Ironic since I read music just fine. I do only have 5 months left until the last year of my 30’s. I feel like I’m still trying to search for the reason I live and breathe. I have to make moves. I have to make changes. It’s time to say, “This Is Me!”
You see I have struggled with what the norm would call my mental health, as long as I can remember. There are the scars I remember and there are the memories of why this may be, but you see I haven’t dealt with any of it yet. I’ve played the victim the majority of my life because living in what I have know to become my darkness up until this point of my life. My darkness is a scary place. I often compare it to a scene from Jennifer Lopez’s The Cell.
You will find me all over the place. There is a reason why. You see, I mentioned a heightened vulnerability above. I’m a healer. I’m an empath. I have a laundry list of diagnosis that we will play a guessing game through this walk-about we are about to go on together. Oh come on it’ll be fun they said! I mean seriously though. It will be like experiencing an episode of the United States of Tara. Have I mentioned that’s me? Anyways, Bat Mitzvah, what!? Having fun, yet?
You see you and I are about to go on a spiritual journey together. We are going to have a little social experiment. You and I are going to go through my mental health journey to discover to love myself and to operate at my higher level. We’re going to create a soundtrack and star in the feature film while writing my memoir. If you haven’t noticed the pop culture references, where the fuck your head at? If you know me that’s my, “What are you thinking?” This drives you nuts, you know who I am talking about. “Luke, I am not your father.”-James Earl Jones, the rest of you hear it in a Morgan Freeman voice. There is a rhyme and reason to all of this. Most of you don’t pay attention to the details and I can’t stop. It drives me to a point of madness where I have to count patterns surrounding me so I don’t join the Mad Hatter in Wonderland.
We can get to the rest of this, at a later time. You are seeing this blog because I am going after a goal. I am going after many goals. I am using what I believe is my purpose, to influence if not one of you, but many. Maybe through my struggles you will be able to relate in a safe space, where you don’t have to worry about you because you’re about to live my reality tv with me being completely 100 vulnerable with the world, but most importantly with myself. I am on a mission to live my life with integrity and purpose.
Welcome to the Jungle.
Welcome to my crazy.
P.S. Public service announcement: To any artists/celebrities mentioned in this blog, please don’t sue me I respect your art. The credit is all yours as you shape my life. Also, no I do not need a welfare check, a 72 hour hold, nor do I need judgement. The beauty is you can’t argue this because these are my feelings and thoughts and my feeling and thoughts alone. Stay away internet trolls!!! Asshats!