I probably should learn that I have these manic moments the moment I am facing them. I am facing one of many fears and probably the best time to write. I have been on a creative high today, hence the reason for the sudden balls of postings.
Now, I need to premise this with something. I could list all the diagnosis I have been given, at any point in my life. I’m not going to list them here because we are going to play a fun little game called “Guess my diagnosis.” So anytime you want to call out some bullshit moment for me and tell me I’m Bipolar there, or obsessive compulsive there go right ahead everyone else tells me that is the reason. This is all about my journey. Im am not pretending to say I’m an expert in anything. In fact, I will be constantly all over the place.
I am not doing this for self-gratification other than to heal. We can learn together. What I actually suffer from does not define me. However, we can sit here and determine whether I have made this all up or not. Maybe someone will read this and can relate. Maybe someone is going through the same shit in life. Maybe I can just help.
I’m not going to be for everyone. I am so much!!! However, I still have so many lessons to learn myself. You can criticize me all you want, but you can’t tell me how to feel.
I’m going to be vague at times. Especially, when it comes to my actual experiences. I will do my best and promise to act with full integrity. Who knows if that will be revisited, in the future. Remember I am still just starting this out for the most part. It is a social experiment for myself. I am at a crossroad once again in life. Big Surprise! Enough is enough. I need to bring it back to specifically 10 years ago. The last time remembering that I had my own shit together. Now I’m spiraling in a tornado of emotion and its time for me to grow up.
This is a free flow from my heart when I’ve been a coward for so long. I’m been afraid to be happy. I have been afraid to go after what most would consider as the word “dreams.” I long for the happiness that is only a figment of imagination to curve my chaos. I can’t make up some of things I am going through. I am unsure if they were coping mechanisms for me just yet.
(Yes, I have been institutionalized. Yes, I have had multiple 72 hour holds. Yes, I have been in many different therapies, so yes I could be taking on our wonderful world of healthcare for mental health, but the thing is there isn’t anything I can say to them that I can’t say to you. I’ve been given the skills. I have been given the pills. The breathing exercises, journaling, etc. That is one thing I can bring for myself. )
The United States of Tara (I’m Buck right now) is a perfect way to describe this chapter. My demons are a laundry lists of my faults and mistakes. We’re on a mission to repair. If you’ve seen the show, enough said….
This is difficult to do. I mean to write your wave of emotions, with complete vulnerability to the world when I can’t even do it in my own small circle. Emotions don’t have rules. Writing does have rules. I don’t give a fuck. So all the English majors in my family, I know and I don’t care. How to you list emotion with the proper punctuation? With the rules, is it than proper? I mean I need to show I learned well in school, right?
Fuck you, Karen!
Why does life have to be so many rules? I guarantee when fire was being produced the Neanderthal man didn’t say “I have to follow each step to make fire or I won’t eat.” Life doesn’t work this way because not one of us is the same, so why to we bind ourselves to following the norm? Fucking man ate before fire was created. So why then is life driven by so many rules? Why do I always have to use the LEGO manual to build my end result?
Life is meant to be lived with imagination. LEGO(yes, the plural to LEGO, is in fact LEGO) are little pieces of ingredients meant to be used with your imagination, but yet we use a manual. Each individual person is an ingredient in life, but that individual is responsible for their own recipe.
I’m here to create my own recipe. You’ll hear the ingredients at different times. It will all depend on my emotion. My feelings something you all can’t pretend to understand, but I know nothing but. This is me applying those coping skills referenced above :). Just like the therapy scale of smiley faces. “How are you feeling?”
WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT!!!
Rules have been created through religion via your Ten Commandments. The Ten Commandments then develop the criminal justice system basis. I mean eye for an eye. Weird right? Not really you all just don’t pay enough attention because you follow the rules. Let’s go ahead and move into the government from here, then your schools, money. Got the point yet? When building your city in SIM CITY TM, where did you start? Oh shit! Didn’t think you were being regulated by modern society yet. What were your first buildings? Ironically, you were just mind-fucked. Think even smaller, though you just developed your city based on the rules, that life was told to you. Shown to you, by normalization of society, in its own chaos. The difference is you probably built your house first. The one aspect to life you have complete control over, but your life is controlled by the overall picture and not the house you built.
WeLcOme To My LiFe, ladies and gents!
Let me introduce myself
My name is Tara. The Tara you know. Let me show you the Tara I know. If you know your history then you know I’ve been all around the world and now I am going to explain.
Over my years of meditation on the goddess-Bodhisattva Tara, she has provided me with Refuge and, guiding star that she is, given me a direction by which to steer. I write this in the hope that others may also learn something of her friendly light. ( Tara in Buddhism)
the goddess Tara (Sanskrit: तारा, tārā) is the second of the Dasa (ten) Mahavidyas or “Great Wisdom goddesses“, and is a form of Shakti, the tantric manifestations of the goddess. The word ‘Tara’ is derived from the Sanskrit root ‘tṛ’, meaning to cross. In many other contemporary Indian languages, the word ‘tara’ also means star. (Hindu Tara)
TaraTara is a girl who is absolutely perfect and beautiful. She may be shy at first, but once you get to know her she could be friendly, crazy and loving. She supports all her friends and helps them through all their problems. Tara is a caring person and will always be there for someone. (Urban Dictionary)
Tara has its origins in the Celtic language and it is used largely in English. It is literally from the word tara which is of the meaning ‘hill’. The first name is derived from the Irish place name ‘Teamhair na Rí’, translated to English as Hill of Tara; the place is located in County Meath, former seat of the high kings of Ireland and therefore known also as ‘Hill of the King’ (Celtic Tara)
In ancient Irish religion and mythology Temair was the sacred place of dwelling for the gods, and was the entrance to the otherworld. Saint Patrick is said to have come to Tara to confront the ancient religion of the pagans at its most powerful site. (Pagan Tara)
Needless to say I’m not blind to my purpose.