I write about being calm, but I am sleeping less and less every day. I’m starting to fall back into old patterns. I’m starting to lose my motivation. I’ve been patient. More so than I would like to admit. I’ve just been waiting around not even able to help myself further. TYPICAL.
I have so much time to apply to working on this plan and I find less motivation. I am unable to figure out what is stopping myself from giving 100% while I have the time. I’m not even following this set plan. I’m tired. I’m emotionally exhausted between this retrograde, this pandemic, fucking people in general, the state of society, I’m exhausted. Your all’s emotions are out of control, but I will take it all on for you. Even though I’m so exhausted I’ll do for you. I won’t apply the same care to myself. You know why? Because I know I can do it. I know my strength. I know what I am willing to do. The issue is I don’t want to do it alone, but it never seems to change. What seems so effortless for myself is like pulling teeth for anyone else. I will never understand.
There is the right thing for yourself and acting in such a way of integrity. This is not selfish. I will never understand. I don’t know how to only do for me. Someone want to teach me? Don’t bother. It would then take the attention away from you. The problem at hand. I don’t want to be selfish. Why can’t you learn how to be selfless?
There we go. She is back. The crazy. The chaos. As I am reading what I have already written I see my thoughts fighting each other. I say I want you to be selfless, but I have the need to control the situation. If I depend on you it won’t ever get done. Instead, I’ll change because at least then there will be “Changes.”Then my life isn’t stagnant any longer. Standing water is no bueno. I need the current. I need the tide. I need the chaos.
I am struggling. I am struggling alone because the universe is so fucked, at the moment. Nobody has it together. This re-birth is hard. When anything gets hard I give up. It all becomes overwhelming. So much so, I can’t analyze any thought. I just stare into the void of the unknown. Hoping. Hoping for what? What the hell am i looking for?
Can you relate? Are you actually reading this? Hey? Hey you? If you read these words all the way through then leave a comment. I appreciate you! In case you really need to hear this, you’re not alone.
Just show me
Prove me wrong
whisper to me
wake up to me