I spoke of this yesterday and it really is not fair to use this story, as one of my fun loving accomplishments, but how can I not? Though cheating, it is also a part of the person i have lost over the years. She is there. I see her. I am just trying to alter the reflection I currently see.
So here I am, writing the blog for you to read, while I just trying to “get it together,” for myself.I hope you are able to find some type of comfort. I hope for you to be able to relate to. I hope it drives you to see something, in yourself. I hopes it assists you with making the best choices. I hope you find a new found love for yourself through me.
In order for me to be able to present myself through this blog, I had to do a few different things. I had to stop procrastinating. I had to give a fuck. I had to face my fear, something that prevented this exact aspect from happening years ago. I had to stop feeling ashamed of who I am and my actions. I had to stop being self-conscious. I talk, as if all my own internal issues have passed. The truth is I still procrastinate daily. My posts do not have a set time they are posted. Probably should. Obviously, I found drive to write the blog or you would not be reading my words at this exact moment. The FEAR, I am just going to laugh and run away from that word. I, in fact, have not come to grips with who I have been or accepted many of my actions or decisions, but I am trying. Until I have, I will still struggle and hold my head lower the it deserves to be. Self-consciousness, I spoke of a different form of this in my last post, but you still do not see me posting daily selfies. I have never been a fan, but I am working on it and that is all I am able to do.
I am not aware, of the moment or what I was feeling when I went to wordpress.com. I remember what was driving me. ME. I signed up for the free account and just started typing. it is so easy to get a head of your own thoughts, in just one sentence. I had to have something to write. I have had the same intention with this blog since it was just an idea until the present. I needed a reason to want to live my life again. This occurring even before the rest of you were forced to become my equal. So I opened my journal.
Before I typed “The Snozberries Taste Like Snozberries,” I obviously opened my journal. I did not change a single word from my journal entry and I have not since. This story is because I am doing a workbook exercise to find my strengths, in myself. My meditation posts are my meditation journal entries. My poems, poems based I’ve just written based on a feeling. Finally, any other posts you are reading are my own personal journal entries.
In order for me to cope with the anxiety, depression, OCD, Bipolar episodes, the manic episodes, my traumas and my own trials and tribulations of my own life decisions. I had to do the following. I needed to be 100% real with my self. I needed to be 100% real with you. I needed to be completely honest and act with fullest integrity. I was struggling. I was in a very bad place. my own self and insecurities ruling every move I make. You just read my drive. so I posted my first blog post. After this I created a social media following and now you are seeing the current result.
This accomplishment is different, in a sense. It is different because there is not an outcome. We are living in the present. My diagnosis do not go away. My trials, traumas an bad decisions do not get to be forgotten. However, I can control how I choose to deal with them. I choose to write to you daily. I choose to write to me daily. I choose to breathe. This is only the beginning…..
I appreciate each and every one of you for spending your time listening to me.