I have an insecurity that haunts me. That is having direct conversation with people and having to speak. The space can change, but the result stays the same. Face time, direct conversation, on the phone, web conferencing all different settings, my insecurity remaining.
When it comes to my distaste for talking, on the phone, for many years, I could blame on self -torture of picking career choices that involve speaking, on a phone all day for years. Therefore, the last thing I ever want to do is talk on the phone more. You become bitter easily, after countless years of the emotional abuse directed AT you from com complete strangers. I must be crazy. Giving your own PTSD, if you do have a personal phone conversation. I can count the years, but I am unable to count the many times when I could use the bathroom was controlled, by a phone status. Ironically, my speech impediments don’t appear, over the phone.
I always have wondered if I sometimes spoke in such a way that was confusing to most. Maybe, I am odd. I also know that my thoughts come much quicker than I can speak. I struggle with “S” words. I know I mumble and my voice being lower. Believe it or not, I was unaware I had a lisp until it was pointed out to me a few years ago. I don’t know if I should be thanking those for not point it out until then.
Face Time and web conferencing go hand and hand, with direct conversation for me and what my irrational mind thinks is torture. I only Face Timed for the first time, this year. I can’t read you, if I can’t feel you. The moment someone looks at me, I want to retreat. It is so uncomfortable. I am caught in my cycle what people are looking at when they are speaking to me. A drill sergeant, in my face, would paralyze me. Its purpose working. Any direct conversation, heightening my insecurities of even talking, at all. Something taking over and telling me I was not cut out for streaming.
Maybe, it is in my head. Maybe, it is my partner, Mary Jane. Just like I was saying, a phrase can change to a verb the moment it has a negative connotation. Maybe I am just afraid to speak and would rather say it on paper. You can’t hear a lisp through reading. You don’t read a stutter or mumble. You can’t hear me hide.
However, you will have my full eye contact, attention and a dash of confidence, if I trust you. Have you looked into my eyes? Have you seen me confident when speaking to me? Few can say this. Maybe, I’m only meant to understand and to everyone else I’m just out there.
The Bee Keeper 