Now, here we are sitting in the aftermath and I can not seem to get my shit together. The negativity is not coming from the pandemic. It is not coming from the hate humans can not seem to be showing each other. It is not from the differences that makes us, us.
For me, it is coming from a place of stagnancy. I stopped paying attention to the coincidences that present themselves in places of awkwardness. I stopped trying to be better and got comfortable where I am sitting. This giving old habits the opportunity to resurface. I followed an easier path out of pure laziness and exhaustion of constantly having to pay attention. I forgot I was on a journey. I started to panic. What comes with panic? The anxiety. The negative thoughts and a lack of self-worth. Meanwhile, I am been living a life that is going well. A false facade coming into play. I have been acting, in a way, that I am unable to coexist with what is happening all around me.
I have not been acting with integrity that I practice, on the daily with my outside influences. However, not within myself. The outer world winning again. I balanced my scales too far to one side.
Do not get me wrong. Life is still so good. The energy I am putting out to the universe, paying off and showing me how blessed I am daily. Somehow, in the midst of finding what I am truly grateful for, I have manipulated my own mind once again to think and act from a place of the outer world. I did not need to focus, on me. Is this not what mental health really is? We fight our own heart more than our own thoughts, but why?
We as humans work via instinctual behaviors. We make decisions, as quickly, as we can blink our eyes. The heart works the exact same way. However, for some reason, we would rather trust, our own mindsets that questions who we are. Our mindset causes a tornado of overthinking without giving a fuck about the path of destruction created by it’s own existence. A thought becoming, as dangerous, as a natural disaster when we could just feel and recognize our own paths through intuition. Intuition=emotions/feelings.
When we are happy, we smile or laugh. When we are sad we either cry or become angry. We do not think about smiling, or laughing. We do not say when we are sad, “I think I am going to cry right now, or better yet I should just be pissed off because I am hurt.” We just react.
My point is, we all need to do better about trusting our emotions and feelings. We need to trust our own self, who better to do so? We need to do a better job about trusting our easily influenced mindset from the social disasters we life through. We are causing our own rifts to our soul by trusting someone living outside of our own being. Here we are letting others control our own self-worth and then want to be upset about it, as if we didn’t have a choice. It’s time to take responsibility back. A task so simple once recognized.