At the Bottom, Of What?

Looking in the sky trying to find the light.
Needing it out

Are these not words of integrity? I see and can read my true feelings coming into fruition and I question why I felt I could not have said this, in the past.

One emotion, was not enough. Yes, I was angry and flooded with so many more emotions than that of the word anger. Every single thought, left in my mind, was negative. My stomach churns thinking of it now. Remembering the punishment I have put myself through, is debilitating in itself.

However, I needed to learn this lesson, or I would still taken the same route straight to misery. Clearly, I needed to be “at the bottom.” I would have never decided what I wanted or needed. Ironically, it allowed me to make a choice opposite of that that I have perpetually chosen the past 20 years.

My expectations, were unreachable and created only by me. The dark could only be seen and I only imagined the idea of hope. I did not know where to begin to see the light, or if I even wanted to continue to try to find it. It was not long after that the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle started fitting together inside my mind.

Finally, I was beginning to complete the straight edges of the frame. A frame, that will eventually be filled in. The insides are always the best part. The insides, allowed me to open my heart to love again. It reminded me of all the ways compassion can be shown and given. Ways, that have long since forgotten.

I was able to become grateful. I appreciate who I am and not who I thought I needed to be, NOW. A lesson, that should have been learned years ago. Years that I can not get back, but I can sit back and now appreciate.

Lastly, I close reading my words again. This time, I am unable to describe just one emotion.


I am proud of my growth. The struggle, to see anything good has been around for years. I am witnessing, for the first time in my 40 years, and I am fucking proud!

I read these past posts and have a clear indication where I have grown. Grown up, glow up; it is all the same. There is no longer an idea of hope, there is hope. There is a ray of positivity that was non-existent just a short time ago.

My pride extends further than my growth. I am a proud woman, LGBTQ+ community member, a democrat, pothead, nerd, musician and athlete who just happens to all of the sudden, glow up. I no longer hope, I am.

It does not matter what title I choose to give myself. The box that closes so many of us in, can no longer shut me in. When I say “proud,” I hope you know I no longer mean, ashamed.

At The Bottom

We are living through a Bi-Partisan Civil War
that no one wants to recognize

We have trained ourselves to ignore
in order to survive

I can no longer identify as a white lesbian female
in a world that the #METOO movement happened
and we allow the leader to grab our pussies
and this is just how it is

I can not express myself without being told I am wrong
I can not speak my truth
So many people are under-appreciated

I can not say I like your music because of my skin color that was given to me
not that I have earned
I can not share my experiences with a male
because of a label of gay is an absolute as a lesbian

So many artists are begging you to listen to their words
and I’m no different
We are all begging
Begging, for our feelings to be heard

Our society has driven into silence
No one, I mean no one is thankful

Do WE accept ourselves?
Can WE accept our own thoughts?
Are WE accepting our own feelings?

But the rest of you are ignorant fools,
Continuing to show us that you are on top of the world
And the rest of us sitting at the bottom
Watching your life be easy

That is alright
I know who I am
and I will still love you

Re-reading this post changed my perspective. Even up until yesterday, I was still choosing the same reaction. At the bottom, oh I am still there. There is a reason. I am in the same energy, as I was a year ago. Death is amongst me. A strong yearning to mourn so much of my past self. It is time, once again, to glow up.

Change is good.

Having the strength, to be the lioness, is even better. The “fight,” or “the will,” is a decision to change. My perspective changed. At the bottom, became another breath closer to my purpose. My prana. My life. Change can be anyone’s new beginning, especially not just mine.

Coincidentally, all I did was make a different choice.

It does not mean, I am always following my own advice. Then again, it really is not advice. It is just a perception, of an experience that worked for me. It is me giving you a memory that once mad me sad and now is welcomed with open arms.


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