Change is real if you want it to be. Over the past year, I have done some pretty ballsy things. I had to stop allowing behaviors that were not healthy for myself. Behaviors that were not good for any type of relationship. I have stuck to my vow of acting with full honesty and integrity. By doing this, it allowed me to learn so many life lessons that I have honestly fought up until today.

The subject, I have one hundred percent avoided this entire journey was talking about was any person, specifically. Individuals, a part of a cycle, that I had yet to complete. I am still going to be respectful and not go into detail. I had a win today. A proud moment I am able to see within myself. An accomplishment that I am proud of from the past year. It is my story to tell. If they want their side told, they can tell it with their own hands. Change is real if you want it to be.

Change is real if you want it to be. Oh shit, look who mastered not healing trauma with trauma finally!

The sarcasm less in my writing and my wisdom more. Is it wisdom or merely just my account of experience that shapes how my year goes? Only I, will be able to look within to find the answer. An answer to the question that will be irrelevant in mere minutes, due to my philosophical “high brain.”

I digress, constantly. Especially, when I speak and when I write. I question how so many words, in thought or typed out, form any logic. It is so much information packed into such a small timeframe. The crazy thing I did today that I considered to be a win is what I was talking about.

My first relationship, since my divorce threw me for another loop that I told no one about. Until today, I did not receive validation. This situation ship ended in November 2020. Not that I have not been over it. I just received the confirmation. It was like the first test of going drinking after you have quit smoking. You will wonder if you will be able to resist the urge to do so because social drinking does that.

Change is real because I wanted it to be. I reached out. I made sure there was not a reason I felt her in my thoughts. We are coming up on the timeframe this relationship entered my life, last year. She was good. I advised, “glad to hear you are good and have a good day.” I did not inviting any other conversation. I won today because I healed something completely alone. A situation that only brought me lower, at a time I was at my highest. I found faith where there was no faith to be found.

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Just like that, I started writing. I started writing, as if there has not been months since I last typed a word here. Yes, I have updated my posts for SEO purposes, but unfortunately what happens when you go against the grain of things you become ignored. I was talking about my blog being recognized by Google, but somehow you have applied it to your daily life. Why do you think that is? Why did you think about being the black sheep amongst the flock?

If you notice I no longer write, as if writing, in my journal. I still do this, but my healing has been coming from other places that I have not visited before in my past. I still carry the same purpose. My message does not change, but the fear is no longer there. I can guarantee myself, 100 percent failure because I have not been trying.

Life has changed in so many dramatic ways over the past year. A year and a half ago, I started typing these words to you knowing what I was doing, but I had no idea as to the why. The the “why,” is the answer our ego is constantly looking for in a pattern of overthinking.

I have made excuses over the last few months as to why I shouldn’t write. None of which were ever valid. Every day for the past year I have known what I have needed to do. I set myself up, purposefully. Due to the inability to control my overthinking, I have never been a planner. I am always saying I will overthink my overthinking. Well, if given too much time that is where my mind goes on the endless sliding through the tunnel of the rabbit hole that is so easy for most of us to imagine. My truth is every day I think about doing exactly this, at least 10 times, but my mind has crippled me with fear as to every reason as to why not. Then the time is gone. I have wasted minutes of my day fighting something that has already proven to have been working.

Just like that, here I am!

5 days and counting until my 40th birthday. In 5 days, this journey I set out on was to be completed by the 10th of July, 2021. When setting this goal, a time that I would learn to have become irrelevant. A time of unrealistic probability, but hey it was the beginning of 2020. We always set out on new journeys, at the beginning of the year because we have been conditioned to think “New Year, New Me.” At the time, I had no idea that 2020 would become an accurate metaphor for my life.

I still struggle every day with recognizing my accomplishments of my life, or even where I have come to this point. My physical being is no better that the year ago and leaving my ex-wife for the first time in almost 8 years. Physically, nothing has changed. However, I am never better mentally and spiritually. This is because I choose to be every single day. Grasping onto a single layer of hope that everything I say am is true to my character that now knows how to be the protagonist, in her own life.

Every story having a climax. Your story a record of your own internal thoughts. The story becomes infinite. Your journey does not end. Your staircase is the rainbow. Just as there is no ending to the rainbow, other than an imagined pot of gold you put your attention to; your staircase never ends. You just continuously build another step. You add another rung to the ladder. The ending through the clouds. An illusion in the sky. A reflection of the light. All an illusion to what your imagination desires. No different than any other dream or goal, in your life.

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Expressing my mental health through music, more often times than not, means I am feeling some type of way. I never share music for the fun of it. There is always a meaning/message behind it. That message may be for you or for myself.

This is the first time that I am sharing my own mixes of songs. The reason I am also sharing my music because just like writing it is expressing my mental health through emotions felt through a song itself. There are times it is only the lyrics, others a simple beat that raised my vibration and changed my though process for a day.

In astrology, one of the traits of a Cancer is their care and love for the home. Whether it is represented through nurturing or a physical space itself. Us Cancer’s like our shell. This song particularly is expressing a feeling that even though I live in my own place I still have not found my home. My calling, so to speak.

That is what being on a spiritual journey is all about.

Expressing my mental health…

Is almost like breathing or sleeping for me. I do not know how to speak without expressing an emotion. My thought processes and the words I chose to place down are too driven by an emotion. More often or not, I use emotional intelligence over logical sense. It may not be the answer for most, but for me I do not know any better.

Please enjoy my creativity or my emotions featured below as I expose them for me and you. I appreciate you all. Make sure to follow the links below for the next blog post or for any other creative content I may be filling for the day.

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