About honeybeeandthebeekeeper


Change Is Real If You Want It To Be

Change is real if you want it to be. Over the past year, I have done some pretty ballsy things. I had to stop allowing behaviors that were not healthy for myself. Behaviors that were not good for any type of relationship. I have stuck to my vow of acting with full honesty and integrity. By doing this, it allowed me to learn so many life lessons that I have honestly fought up until today.

The subject, I have one hundred percent avoided this entire journey was talking about was any person, specifically. Individuals, a part of a cycle, that I had yet to complete. I am still going to be respectful and not go into detail. I had a win today. A proud moment I am able to see within myself. An accomplishment that I am proud of from the past year. It is my story to tell. If they want their side told, they can tell it with their own hands. Change is real if you want it to be.

Change is real if you want it to be. Oh shit, look who mastered not healing trauma with trauma finally!

The sarcasm less in my writing and my wisdom more. Is it wisdom or merely just my account of experience that shapes how my year goes? Only I, will be able to look within to find the answer. An answer to the question that will be irrelevant in mere minutes, due to my philosophical “high brain.”

I digress, constantly. Especially, when I speak and when I write. I question how so many words, in thought or typed out, form any logic. It is so much information packed into such a small timeframe. The crazy thing I did today that I considered to be a win is what I was talking about.

My first relationship, since my divorce threw me for another loop that I told no one about. Until today, I did not receive validation. This situation ship ended in November 2020. Not that I have not been over it. I just received the confirmation. It was like the first test of going drinking after you have quit smoking. You will wonder if you will be able to resist the urge to do so because social drinking does that.

Change is real because I wanted it to be. I reached out. I made sure there was not a reason I felt her in my thoughts. We are coming up on the timeframe this relationship entered my life, last year. She was good. I advised, “glad to hear you are good and have a good day.” I did not inviting any other conversation. I won today because I healed something completely alone. A situation that only brought me lower, at a time I was at my highest. I found faith where there was no faith to be found.

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Just Like That, A Rainbow Appears

Just like that, I started writing. I started writing, as if there has not been months since I last typed a word here. Yes, I have updated my posts for SEO purposes, but unfortunately what happens when you go against the grain of things you become ignored. I was talking about my blog being recognized by Google, but somehow you have applied it to your daily life. Why do you think that is? Why did you think about being the black sheep amongst the flock?

If you notice I no longer write, as if writing, in my journal. I still do this, but my healing has been coming from other places that I have not visited before in my past. I still carry the same purpose. My message does not change, but the fear is no longer there. I can guarantee myself, 100 percent failure because I have not been trying.

Life has changed in so many dramatic ways over the past year. A year and a half ago, I started typing these words to you knowing what I was doing, but I had no idea as to the why. The the “why,” is the answer our ego is constantly looking for in a pattern of overthinking.

I have made excuses over the last few months as to why I shouldn’t write. None of which were ever valid. Every day for the past year I have known what I have needed to do. I set myself up, purposefully. Due to the inability to control my overthinking, I have never been a planner. I am always saying I will overthink my overthinking. Well, if given too much time that is where my mind goes on the endless sliding through the tunnel of the rabbit hole that is so easy for most of us to imagine. My truth is every day I think about doing exactly this, at least 10 times, but my mind has crippled me with fear as to every reason as to why not. Then the time is gone. I have wasted minutes of my day fighting something that has already proven to have been working.

Just like that, here I am!

5 days and counting until my 40th birthday. In 5 days, this journey I set out on was to be completed by the 10th of July, 2021. When setting this goal, a time that I would learn to have become irrelevant. A time of unrealistic probability, but hey it was the beginning of 2020. We always set out on new journeys, at the beginning of the year because we have been conditioned to think “New Year, New Me.” At the time, I had no idea that 2020 would become an accurate metaphor for my life.

I still struggle every day with recognizing my accomplishments of my life, or even where I have come to this point. My physical being is no better that the year ago and leaving my ex-wife for the first time in almost 8 years. Physically, nothing has changed. However, I am never better mentally and spiritually. This is because I choose to be every single day. Grasping onto a single layer of hope that everything I say am is true to my character that now knows how to be the protagonist, in her own life.

Every story having a climax. Your story a record of your own internal thoughts. The story becomes infinite. Your journey does not end. Your staircase is the rainbow. Just as there is no ending to the rainbow, other than an imagined pot of gold you put your attention to; your staircase never ends. You just continuously build another step. You add another rung to the ladder. The ending through the clouds. An illusion in the sky. A reflection of the light. All an illusion to what your imagination desires. No different than any other dream or goal, in your life.

Stairway To Heaven By Led Zeppelin

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Free Writing About The Reflection

Reflections are everywhere light can be seen.

I am going to begin free writing and see what path we may go on together. I felt forced to write only if I had a subject. My thoughts are led by my mind and an idea, ego driven and with not the right intention. My true intention becomes clear only if I allow my words to flow freely through my heart.

One does not just start free writing without an idea. I have to start somewhere. One would think this would not be challenging for an overthinker. The gibberish should just start flowing. Free writing is about not having limitations and yet I still feel like I need a forced subject. How ridiculous my ego is. I make my life so fucking difficult all of the time, but for what?

The Ego Doesn’t Allow Free Writing

My struggle isn’t acceptance and self-love though it may seem. What my soul represents will still put others above being my best self, why? Why did I choose this path?

My focus for so long has been what I don’t have. What I’m not doing is consuming my ego, as it wishes for me to experience every second my heart beats. The need for control. The need for acceptance is overpowering me, as it has as long as I can remember. A stipulation I have placed on my own self. An expectation, meant to be impossible to feed my ego’s desires to give in.

It’s comparable to a virus. Or better yet, the mucus blob seen in the Mucinex commercials mischievously trying to implant itself on your cells. A virus attacking the immune system until you have no choice to give into the sickness. This time it is not our immune system. It is our own mental health overtaken by the dark side. A place Vader never was able to escape. Mucinex is to that blob as ebb is to flow. A necessary evil to restore balance to all.

The Yin and Yang

When you start to awaken you begin to realize that every single moment of your life is a choice. While our odds are stacked pretty high, there is a 50/50 chance, we will choose the same “50,” every time. We do that because it is easier. It is routine. It is what the ego has tricked our own mind to think we should do every time we run into this same scenario based on fear. What we fail to realize is, we would not have to relive that same scenario a 100 times picking the same 50, if we would take just a brief moment to stop and pick the other 50. That other “50,” represents the human mind’s ideal of the grass is greener on the other side.

Unless we become aware of the lesson attempting to be shown to us, however, we will never escape the never ending cycle. Let me make something clear, however, though you make the choice to pick the other 50, the grass may not be, in fact greener.

However, free writing, will have an answer to both sides. It is where the “lesson” and the ultimate choice plays a part. It will then just be a choice whether or not you want a 1lb of shit, on one side of the scale, or if you would like 1lb of gold, on the other side. Regardless, a pound is a pound, but you have a better understanding of which “50,” is the pile of shit you no longer wish to live through. I made a choice to use free writing today. Maybe that was the other 50 I chose for myself.

Mirror- Madison Ryann Ward
Free writing about the reflections

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My Absence Is the “Meaning Of Life”

Meaning of Life

I am having a realization. The answer to the “meaning of life,” can only be defined by philosophy. This is why the answer to this question, creates the chaotic pattern of overthinking.

The answer to life, can not be defined, for everyone. Our ego can bring an answer by making a choice and not by what science would theorize. We are looking at the wrong science for the answer. A pattern or cycle is the reason we do this. A pattern or cycle we chose for ourselves.

The answer is personal. What you make of it is the definition of life, itself. You create your own answer. The meaning of life is your own journey.

Here I am, one year later, still talking about journeys and patterns. The same journeys and patterns controlled by your own overthinking. Causing the chaos you so desperately want a release from. The difference for me, in the present, is my emotion towards it all that is defined by my own…

Meaning of Life

The said definition of life can not be absolute, as we are conditioned to think or taught. The reason is we are the creator, through a journey determined by free will. Our own free will.

The peace, we all seek or; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow we are determined to prove that the grass is greener on the other side, is simply the “meaning of life.” Your meaning of life, your journey.

It is what it is…

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The AFTERGLOW, Of An Ember Fighting To Breathe When Everything Else Has Turned To Ash.

The shadows do not exist, in the sky. They only exist below. Just like the afterglow, of an ember fighting to breathe when everything else, in the fire, has turned to ash.

As life continues, so does the shifts in energy. As time is non-existent, I think to myself, my reality is more dream like than a true existence in the human form. The more I continue, on this journey to find my treasure,(myself) the more life seems like a trip on the blue pill sending me down-ward on the spiral to my own wonderland.

A rabbit hole, symbolic to my own chase. I am fearful, of an ending because it would be a reality, of a purpose stuck on the tracks of its own cycle.

The fear can be stopped by making a choice to never stop dreaming and becoming the best version of yourself. If you do make the choice of stopping to believe you will then let the rabbit hole control you, in a way that you forget your journey never ends, but will continue spiraling down. When all along you can change the direction of your spiral just by looking up.

The shadows don’t exist in the sky. They exist below. Just like the afterglow, of an ember fighting to breathe when everything else, in the fire, has turned to ash.

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The Soul Has A Contract and If Unfollowed Will Always Return With Chaos


Your soul is the gateway to your heart
Your mind the gatekeeper
A free spirit but controlled by experience
The soul lives within the shell of infinite madness
When we fall in love, do we nurture the vibration?
When we hurt, have you lost part of what only you know?
Do they work together to control the energy?
Your vibration looking for its mate
While heart say it is love

Your mind tells the ego, no
If you stop looking the heart prevails
If you overthink, you have talked yourself out of an answer
Does your heart feel?
Does your mind think?
What is in control?

The soul is the driver of your life
and not this physical being you call home
We do not leave this body when our last breath is taken,
but when it has changed its path
The soul learned from your mind
The soul learned from your heart
but yet it is never connected

I watch from above
And I watch from afar
I have only just begun to breathe
Because my soul needs no one



The Contract

Your soul has a contract that is chosen by you. Meaning, I am learning through research that we pick our so called, “battles” before we are ever born on earth. To be in love, is to find the one that matches your vibration. The struggles you experience were a choice you made, so that you may learn a certain lesson to find your best self. Only now, am I starting to view the lessons as blessings, instead of lessons being misery. My soul had high expectations for itself, as does my own vibration.

Let It Be. The Tower Moment I Learned To Accept

As I felt, the months went on and eventually became funny

Here I am writing, once again, in the last few pages of my, “Notebook.” The notebook that started this all. There is roughly two weeks left in 2020 and individually it has been a historic year for each and every one of us. That is one aspect, there is no room for argument. I sit here, high and laughing at the cover of my journal that you see above.

As Covid-19 happened, as my my life changed. As quarantine happened, so did the big events that I experienced, in 2020. I documented those experiences for you each month. It eventually became WTF 2020! My own indication of all of your experiences, throughout the year.

My habits changed with the seasons, as I learned more and more about, “My Secret.”

As the energy changed, in the universe, so did all the Shadow work I was to endure. The mirror image of myself I needed to face and accept. I began this year telling you that it was just me deciding to act with 100 percent honesty and integrity. It has now evolved. What it is and continues to be, is so much more.

I was hard on myself for taking breaks with writing. However, I never stopped writing. Just because it was not, in this journal, or typed through this blog does not mean I was not writing. I was writing to you on social media, at times. I never stopped sharing my truths with you. A lesson in self-acceptance. What did change was my methods of expression as I learned from the lessons in my life that I have allowed to drown my soul for way too long.

As of late, my method of expression has been through my music. I have been sharing my love and passion for music. Whether it is a great work playlist to make my homies dance and feel my vibe. It is also the song, Let It Be that I mixed from the Across the Universe soundtrack. It took me back to the church, on base, that got me through the mind fuck I was experiencing, at the moment. It soothed a part of my soul. I have shared my version below.

The same soul that you have been witnessed going crazy and fully chaos. It is the same soul writing to you now. My entire spiritual journey, you have witnessed. If you were to go back and read my blog from the beginning to this post, I am writing currently. You would read it, as I intended. You will then see. If you take a peek, at any of my social media, you would hear my writing, instead of reading it. You have witnessed this journey, through every single song I have shared with you and why I listened to Justin Bieber’s “Forever,” 342 times this year. There was all my good mornings and sharing of how much I was actually walking. All of this, a method of making a choice to alter my own patterns.

Every word, action, sharing of, my advice were all methods of sharing my journey with you. It was me living, my life, exactly how I have wanted it to be. Manifesting my dreams into action just by intention of the vibe I give to all of you. I used the Secret, in front of your eyes. I practiced and provided a tool to add to your own tool belt of spiritual “Mmm,” shown to you.

Like the lotus I paid attention and something magical started to happen. My secret start to influence many. Many of you, joining me, in my ocean of spiritual growth. It has been beautiful to watch so many of you to finally see a glimpse of light within yourselves, for the first time, in so long. Many of you started to blossom out of the muddy waters, as the lotus does.

Your strength is noticed. Your growth and your beauty, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE is also noticed. Thank you for riding my wave with me.

It is time. I am ready. It is now my new beginning. It is time to evolve together.


Expressing My Mental Health Through Music

Music is an emotion

Expressing my mental health through music, more often times than not, means I am feeling some type of way. I never share music for the fun of it. There is always a meaning/message behind it. That message may be for you or for myself.

This is the first time that I am sharing my own mixes of songs. The reason I am also sharing my music because just like writing it is expressing my mental health through emotions felt through a song itself. There are times it is only the lyrics, others a simple beat that raised my vibration and changed my though process for a day.

In astrology, one of the traits of a Cancer is their care and love for the home. Whether it is represented through nurturing or a physical space itself. Us Cancer’s like our shell. This song particularly is expressing a feeling that even though I live in my own place I still have not found my home. My calling, so to speak.

That is what being on a spiritual journey is all about.

Expressing my mental health…

Is almost like breathing or sleeping for me. I do not know how to speak without expressing an emotion. My thought processes and the words I chose to place down are too driven by an emotion. More often or not, I use emotional intelligence over logical sense. It may not be the answer for most, but for me I do not know any better.

Please enjoy my creativity or my emotions featured below as I expose them for me and you. I appreciate you all. Make sure to follow the links below for the next blog post or for any other creative content I may be filling for the day.

Expressing my mental health with music

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An Emotion Can Be Altered, But How It Is Perceived Can Never Be Changed

When I am cut off emotionally, from someone, my heart feels a hurt that can not be described. You can stop loving me and it would have less of an effect than cutting me off emotionally. This is what causes the tears to flow from my eyes, as a different sense of aloneness sets in. My worth becomes challenged and my purpose doubted.

“Heal you. Therefore, your energy can assist those with who need healing inside with their emotions.”

Someone’s emotional separation from an empath is a silent but deadly killer. It is not actions not being backed up. It is not a codependency developed by a need to care. It is not giving me a reason to care. It is no longer what the next reaction may or may not be.

My is love is unconditional. My compassion exceeds a need for emotional stability. I thrive, on the feelings, of looking at someone’s soul through their eyes of outwardly reflection.

Hate can be overturned by love. Selfishness cured by giving. A sadness overlooked by a smile that brings happiness. As an individual emotion, all is balanced. Emotions, as a collective whole can not be replaced. Therefore, one’s emotional well-being is determined by the individual emotions that are only temporary.

“Why not change the whole, by the little steps. Instead of, looking at the staircase, as unreachable?”

These are my messages for whomever needs to hear them and my thoughts, in the present.

Everything takes work because everything takes practice

“In Your Eyes,” I Feel What You Feel

Staring into someone else’s eyes will allow you to feel the emotions they are not saying. It is a journey into their soul that guides us to better understand when you have nothing to say. Not everyone has the ability to speak emotions, so take the time to read when the silence is all you have.

I have been making new mixes daily. Here is the latest. Please feel free to comment below and let me know what you think.

Original Song : In Your Eyes by Nora En Pure

Now by mixing the original’s song layer, on top of itself, the whole vibe of the song can change. Here is my mix, as well as the downloadable MP3.

In Your Eyes T’s Remix. Video mix of the two layers

I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to see the world through my emotions and eyes. I appreciate you and am grateful for you!