I am taking the unconventional approach to my awakening and my mental health. With the methods that I have chosen, not all are by my doing. These methods are tricky because I do feel that what I am really trying to say is often misunderstood. I am not responsible for how it is interpreted but I can attempt to explain. It is very humbling, in so many ways. Exposing my insecurities to be viewed and analyzed, as they are occurring is a whole different level of ballgame. It makes it extremely difficult to say, “Put me in coach I am ready to play.” Mostly, because I am exposing a vulnerability that has not been worked on or understood by my own mind. It is a necessary evil that still must occur for my own healing and without any other reason but me.
I am just starting out on this journey. I have spent countless hours a day getting to the point that I am at, as if it were my profession all along. I have spent these hours trying out different approaches not knowing if they will, in fact, give the clarity I am in search of. I do this right in front of you because I am doing it at the exact moment they are occurring. I do this knowing I could be exposing my negative traits to you with hopes of not failing. It would not be failing you, but my own self. In truth, it is not really failing, but as anyone knows that is what it is to your own ego. That is what having 100% honesty means and presenting yourself with 100% integrity means, as well. It is all about exposing those vulnerabilities, so the right work can be done for myself and not in a way that I may have done, in the past.
I know I make it seem easy, at times, but fuck that! There is not one aspect of this journey that has been easy. That is the point. I want to give up multiple times a day and just go back to what I know as comfortable. I do not give up because my growth is of utmost importance. I needed to change. I was not being the human I have meant to be all along. These changes needed to occur, and I have needed to do it alone to break the codependent behaviors that made dealing with the difficult aspects of life easier. I know the answers for me can only be found within myself.
What has been easy is choosing to be kind to all. It has been easy to tell someone they are appreciated because they are. It has been easy to be so grateful for so many of you because I am. It is easy because it is the simplest of answers that I can present to you. I do not pretend to know everything because I am so far that point but I will continue doing all that I am doing, regardless of how difficult it becomes.
You all are beautiful humans! Thank you.