Just like that, I started writing. I started writing, as if there has not been months since I last typed a word here. Yes, I have updated my posts for SEO purposes, but unfortunately what happens when you go against the grain of things you become ignored. I was talking about my blog being recognized by Google, but somehow you have applied it to your daily life. Why do you think that is? Why did you think about being the black sheep amongst the flock?
If you notice I no longer write, as if writing, in my journal. I still do this, but my healing has been coming from other places that I have not visited before in my past. I still carry the same purpose. My message does not change, but the fear is no longer there. I can guarantee myself, 100 percent failure because I have not been trying.
Life has changed in so many dramatic ways over the past year. A year and a half ago, I started typing these words to you knowing what I was doing, but I had no idea as to the why. The the “why,” is the answer our ego is constantly looking for in a pattern of overthinking.
I have made excuses over the last few months as to why I shouldn’t write. None of which were ever valid. Every day for the past year I have known what I have needed to do. I set myself up, purposefully. Due to the inability to control my overthinking, I have never been a planner. I am always saying I will overthink my overthinking. Well, if given too much time that is where my mind goes on the endless sliding through the tunnel of the rabbit hole that is so easy for most of us to imagine. My truth is every day I think about doing exactly this, at least 10 times, but my mind has crippled me with fear as to every reason as to why not. Then the time is gone. I have wasted minutes of my day fighting something that has already proven to have been working.
Just like that, here I am!
5 days and counting until my 40th birthday. In 5 days, this journey I set out on was to be completed by the 10th of July, 2021. When setting this goal, a time that I would learn to have become irrelevant. A time of unrealistic probability, but hey it was the beginning of 2020. We always set out on new journeys, at the beginning of the year because we have been conditioned to think “New Year, New Me.” At the time, I had no idea that 2020 would become an accurate metaphor for my life.
I still struggle every day with recognizing my accomplishments of my life, or even where I have come to this point. My physical being is no better that the year ago and leaving my ex-wife for the first time in almost 8 years. Physically, nothing has changed. However, I am never better mentally and spiritually. This is because I choose to be every single day. Grasping onto a single layer of hope that everything I say am is true to my character that now knows how to be the protagonist, in her own life.
Every story having a climax. Your story a record of your own internal thoughts. The story becomes infinite. Your journey does not end. Your staircase is the rainbow. Just as there is no ending to the rainbow, other than an imagined pot of gold you put your attention to; your staircase never ends. You just continuously build another step. You add another rung to the ladder. The ending through the clouds. An illusion in the sky. A reflection of the light. All an illusion to what your imagination desires. No different than any other dream or goal, in your life.