My purpose, an aspect that had remained hidden, until now. What I have known to be my purpose all along, but only decided to pay attention to. Shown to me, through my own journey. My purpose is working.
However, the plan is much bigger than I have portrayed for multiple reasons. I was not ever intending on saying this until a later point, in time. However, it is working.
Many of you have reached out to me with the how and why’s of how I have been presenting myself, as of late. How are you remaining so positive? Why are you posting so many songs and why the selfies? I will now answer you to the best of my abilities. This is not from a past perspective and not from a future perspective, only right NOW.
When I started this blog and journal, I set the expectation that the words you would hear were that of my own journaling from my own struggles from mental health. That is how it started, yes, but I always have had a bigger plan.
However, I could not reveal that plan to you, or it would not have had the same result because you would have expectations. If you have been closely following, you may have already seen some clues to what the plan may be. There was a major concern for me, in the beginning.
I was afraid that those close to me may feel manipulated instead of hearing what I was saying. In the beginning, I talked about the societal conditioning I have been subject through my own life and experiences. I still have this fear, but I am not trying to trick or manipulate you in any way.
You must understand, I have had to keep so much hidden, purposefully. Otherwise, my own purpose would not have come into play. I have been doing this through different fillers, in my writing. However, I have also have been showing you, through all my different social media accounts.
Go back in time for a moment, to allow you to grasp further understanding. Some truths, that had brought me into my current situation. I had mentioned I was at a point of ending my life, when this all came into play.
The difference, in the past, I continued having the same bullshit happen to me because I continued to make the same choices and decisions in life without growth. This holds true from twenty years ago, ten years ago, or currently. What you are witnessing is my decision to do the complete opposite of what I normally would, and I made a choice. I chose to live within myself with trust. I chose to live, in general.
There is a shadow side to us all. Just like with anything in life. There must be some sort of balance. Whether it is black or white, republican or democrat, straight or gay, love or hate, yin or yang, everything still must have balance.
I need to premise this with what I am about to admit to you all has not ever necessarily ever been heard from this perspective. It will be descriptive. Here is your forewarning in advance.
A part of “The United States of Tara,” is the dark side. It is the Vader inside of me. I have not just recently decided I did not want to live. That aspect of me started around the age of 16. The thoughts started then. The cutting started back then and now remain permanently scarred on my thighs. The drugs and alcohol also started right about then.
At this time, this particular cycle was conveniently shown to me, but still haunted me up until only months ago. In my head, it is where I am constantly living. I can tell because my message is simple, yet I am already three pages in, and I have not even made my point. I am taking this opportunity to get back on track.
What you may not know is that I have been mentally institutionalized at least three times, in my life. One time was of my own doing, but only once. The other two times were not by choice. However, I need to tell you. I have no idea when these times occurred.
There has been many years of suppressed pain, or so I thought that these details were gone. I can assure you the people involved have not forgotten. I can tell you it was some time after August 2007, after the military and before I moved to Fort Collins.
The first true attempt to end my life ended with me puking up the charcoal after my stomach was being pumped and a bandage on my left wrist where I had slit it. A scar now covered by a tattoo of mine of the word LOVE in watercolor with a keyhole presenting itself in the middle of the word love. My first 72-hour hold preceded this event.
The second hold would follow only two weeks later. Ironic, just writing these last few sentences just filled my memory blanks and the tears have begun to flow.
I was on a mission to end my life and nothing was going to stop this. I apologize for the following details in advance. It was around 11pm and I was alone in my ex’s apartment. Long story, but she was still doing what she could to do to support me the only way she literally had left in her. I had taken everything out of her, and I place no blame on her, whatsoever.
It was time again. I had been put on a slue of antipsychotics at a ridiculous number of milligrams and a heavy anxiety medication. Naturally, from the previous two week’s events I would not be responsible with this medication.
I wrote my suicide note, something I had never previously done because I was set on this working. I chose a song that could speak for me when I was too cowardly to say myself and put the song on repeat. For writing purposes, I currently am playing this song and I am placing it here for you to listen to.
Ashamed, of who I was and who I have been. I was struggling with not knowing anything and hurting so much that I would rather the world no longer have me in it. It is a really lonely place to exist in. It is not living. I was physically breathing, but I was ignoring any care I was receiving. Because, I felt I had not other choice. I made a decision.
I sat there for as long as the drugs would allow me to stay conscious and chased each individual pill with some type of alcohol. Logically, I would be drinking a Bud Light, but I am not positive it wasn’t a handle of vodka.
I woke up in the hospital with my daughter sitting on the bed with me and my grandparents staring back at me. Other than that, the 72-hour hold is all I know from there. There is not much more to say. I never asked how long I was in the hospital, because I did not actually want to know. There was an intubation, but the shame did not go away, therefore, I did not ask those I had hurt the details, selfishly. I never asked how this experience made them feel.
The ugly part has now been revealed and now we can continue in the present. You would think that would have been the ultimate wake up call, but in fact it was not and something that many of you did not even know I went through before I came into your life. The cycle continued.
I would hit rock bottom multiple times after because I still was ignoring the lessons being presented to me. I still continued to put people I said ” I love you,” to in a trapped place. My narcissistic behavior destroying their souls with me blaming everyone else but myself. I never took responsibility for the pain I caused. I just continue to run away, playing victim and running from life’s traumas all because my own ego.
I portrayed myself, as the victim to anyone that would listen. Yet, really important people kept rescuing me out of these situations and never myself. The actual person responsible. I look at it now and how stupid I was to see the truth of all the pain and hurt I caused people just because of the shame and embarrassment of who I was.
Of course, the cycle continued to repeat itself. I caused my own mental health. I caused my own misery and it continued because I just moved onto the next person leaving destruction in my wake.
Now here I am the opposite of the person I just described to you. Here are your answers for those willing to listen and asking for guidance. Here in the present year, 2020, and I was quarantined with the latest victim. This blog was not even supposed to start until tomorrow, but it began because I had no other choice. I was facing being homeless, jobless, car-less within a day knowing I was not going to ask for help taking the chance.
The help I needed to ask for was not from a codependent aspect of behavior from someone else that I could manipulate. I needed to ask help from the one person responsible all along, MYSELF. I had to ask myself the how and why. Why did I not have goals or dreams? Why could I not see my potential? How does this keep happening to me? Why are you not progressing? How do you get out of rock bottom?
The answer is simple. I made a choice. I could continue going every day feeling sorry for myself and nothing changing, repeating a cycle or I could do something about it. The universe allotted a miracle and saved my life. It gave me the time to make the change I had to. I could no longer go on daily thinking of a location to off myself or disappear or all the ways to do so.
I took the miracle of quarantine and ran with it. The work, necessary for shadow work, I put in. By investing, in myself (i.e. buying my website domain.) A very negative space, is where my writing started. Classes were invested in, about blogging and writing a book. Astrology, became a main focus, and then I studied Numerology. Tarot, was learned, and I started watching daily readings for guidance. Meditation, became a key focus.
I studied all aspects of spirituality. I needed to learn who Tara was, from every aspect that I could find, and I have not stopped. Think of it as a comparison masturbation, if you do not learn yourself how can you tell your partner what you like and enjoy.
I delved deep into the darkness. How I got to this exact moment, and I still continue to have to work at it daily, I will never know.
I was awakened, by facing my own demons. This was achieved by, dealing with the negative traits that made me who I am. I started reaching out to those individuals I had so incredibly wronged and admitted to them all the wrongs I had done, and I apologized. I did not ask for forgiveness as one in AA or NA may have.
However, I did find my own forgiveness, in the process. The purpose was, so these individuals could stop blaming themselves for my wrongs. I literally spent months doing this and righting all my wrongs. I had to repair my karmic wrong doings. This allowed me to have the will to want to live for myself.
Here we are and it is time to discuss the manipulation of you all. It really is not manipulation, at all. What happened during this period of my own self-discovery is that I realized I was starting to become awakened to who I truly am. (a.k.a I found my purpose)
I have always wanted to make the world a better place and be influential. I needed to send my love and help everyone and any one I could, at the same time living in fear of who I really am. What happened was I was also going to do it in the right manner.
I needed to tell my story hoping I would help just one person from suffering, as I had. I was going to do so in a way that was not conventional. Conventional did not work for me, in fact it forced me to not ask for more help. I know I am also not the only one afraid to reach out for the help and caused those of us just to retreat. There are a few of you that have absolutely saw this version of Tara, unconditionally. You are still here supporting me, but you too have not realized what I was doing.
For instance, if I have ever shared a song with you, I was sending you a message, or a lesson. I have not stopped either. If you know me more on a deeper level, than you know I know what you are feeling even before you recognize it in yourself. You are unable to lie to me when asked the question, “what’s wrong?” Others of you, now know.
You also may know I am emotionally intelligent more than most, on a different level. I can say or write words and my feelings on a level that effects your soul, not just on the surface. Hence, if you have ever had a friendship or romantic relationship with me, I have impacted you deep within your heart and soul. This includes negatively impacted.
My plan all along has been to use these skills as a benefit for people that may not see an end to their own suffering. It is truthfully all about being 100 honest with yourself and everyone while acting with integrity. Good or bad, it does not matter.
I created new social media accounts and started writing my feelings and experiences with you without advice, to see if anything would be noticed. I did this with the intention of using social media and pop culture, as the influences they already are. This was the easy part because everyone is so caught up in the two that any changes go unnoticed. When I share a meme, it is not for me. When I share a song with you through Facebook stories, it is not for me.
Surprise, it has been for you all along! My words proving exactly what I was experiencing. I needed the proof, otherwise, my influence would be for nothing. The songs begging you to listen to them to help you place yourself on a higher vibration because of the song. The beat alone raising positivity within you.
The positivity and changing of my own mind set was the proof you all needed to see, as the proof because you were not seeing the message or lesson, otherwise. This includes my recent selfies and posting of my workouts. This all motivation for you all, people I care deeply about and what happens to.
Now that you know this, let us go deeper. If you have heard an apology from me, now you know the reason. Requested, on my new social media profiles, that too was for a reason. If I asked you to like The Beekeeper, it was because I had something for each one of you and until recently, I was being ignored.
If you have been told your beautiful, appreciated or that I am grateful for you, it is because it is the honest to god truth. It was also because I sensed you needed to hear it. None of us hear the positive impacts we have on each other enough.
Your struggle, is sensed. I needed to tell you thank you for sticking through all of this with me. I needed to put out into the universe what I wanted in return.
There are many of you watch me from an outside perspective and did not know how to help other than showing your support even though I may also have caused you pain or hurt. In turn, I have helped myself, absolutely. I will not discount all the hard work I have put in, but it is for all of us. The greater good, in a time that it seems that all humanity no longer knows how to behave.
We are in a time of desperation. An opportunity has been presented to us all that you most likely will not be able to experience in your lifetime, again. Are you taking the necessary steps for yourself? Are you like most caught up in all the negativity desperately searching for the answers within your own self? You are allowed to have emotions and feelings.
You are allowed to have your beliefs. What you do have is a choice to continuously focus on your current beliefs without vision that those beliefs can change. When you do not approach life with openness then you are choosing to live in a lower vibration and suffering.
Trying to change someone else’s beliefs is pointless. But, you can be responsible with your own opinions. You can choose how you want to influence each other every day. You are unable to live, in the past. It is not by living in the future. It is about living in the present moment. You have an opportunity every day to chose how you want to take on the world. We all have different purposes so we can learn from each other, but it is not to debate or belittle each other while doing so.
With this all being said, in my opinion, in order for my purpose to work I knew you all needed to know someone personally for it to have any effect on you, otherwise the message once again would be overlooked.
Call me your personal life guide without the title. I am not trying to change who you are, but help you see an outside perspective into your own life and how I see you. So please, if you see I have taken the time to make a blog post from www.honeybeeandthebeekeeper.com, take the time to see if there is a lesson you may be able to apply to your own life.
If I share a song, take the time to listen to it whether its your style of music or not, there may be a message presenting itself. Dance to the melody and forget what it really happening in life.
You needed proof from someone close to you that changing to a positive mindset, is not just some New Age bullshit forcing you to have to live life a certain way. Changing to a positive mindset can actually be the choice between life or death. I have shown you this. Some of you may see this as courage from me, where as I am just living out my dreams empowering those who I care about.
Thank you for all of your continued support. Are you ready to ride the wave with me? I am living proof that douche bags can in fact change if they are willing to. It is not impossible. Difficult, but not impossible. Once you start even just listening to your favorite hype song in the morning, it starts to get easier and easier, just like with anything. Practice makes you your best. Just remember this, it is not a race. There is no timeframe of when life can begin for you. It begins when you want it to. This is just the beginning for us!
Tara, the hippie thug (a.k.a. The Beekeeper)