A Sickness We All Have Inside

If you have been following along, you may have learned, “Life is crazy!” Let us rewind a moment. Five months ago, you heard me say, “I’m crazy!” Somewhere in-between, it became, “My life is crazy” and now in the present moment, “Life is crazy!” I sit here writing to you thinking how grateful I am for the progression, in my own life. Up until this point, I have kept most details, into my soul, hidden from you all.

What I have hidden from you are the details behind the how’s and why’s of how I got to the mental state I have been projecting and where I have grown. You will still not get the full picture because frankly there are aspects to my life that are none of your business to put it lightly. If that statement is offensive you may be the exact reason, I keep things secret. I have always written my feelings down, not necessarily in a therapeutic journaling form, as I should. Mostly, I wrote my feeling through poetry or through music.  I have shown you a small portion of these aspects through small glimpses that past few months.  In high school, it was through the school newspaper or through fictious stories in creative writing class, secretly revealing my wants and desires needed in my life, at the time. I take a previous statement back, I did do some journaling, in high school. It was with my best friend, who at the time was my first girlfriend, unknown to you. We passed our feelings back and forth through many notebooks for an entire year.  Again, those details are not important, here. What is important is the present moment. A moment you are experiencing through my dream of writing. I have been thankful for the opportunities that being in quarantine has personally brought to my life.

I could go back to December 2019, when I randomly bought everyone in my family a mask, as if I had some pre-conceived notion they would be needed in the future. I already had been starting to become aware of what was personally happening, in my own life. I chalked it up to my own mental health struggles with Bi-Polar depression amongst a slew of other western medicine’s finest diagnosis’s. I was thinking to myself, Here we fucking go again. Here comes the thoughts of no longer wanting to take anymore breaths. I am ready to give up. I do not care anymore. I have no purpose. My life is nothing what I want. I do not want to live anymore.”

Now you know my mental health and thoughts if you did not before. My life struggles. There have been those that have been aware of this, but only because I gave what little trust, I did have in people to open- up on rare occasions. I do not like being a burden or asking anyone for help. This is not determined by situations. It has been always. I am so prideful and am always willing to help anyone or everyone, at the same time. However, I would never allow it for myself. It was important to me to portray that everything was okay on the outside. I do not want the questions, or what I thought was the “fake,” care that felt was being received. However, without this pride I would never have gotten to the present moment.

January 29th is the day my present life changed. Pushing through all the signs and experiences that were being shown to me. I made a decision. I was going to take control of my life that until recently had no idea how bad it had really gotten for me, mentally. Mind you, I did not wake up and just like that made this decision. It was a long time coming.

The morning of the 29th, I asked for a divorce from a person that I will always have love for and will always carry some type of relationship with. However, we were our own poisons to each other slowly killing us over the years. If you know me, love is everything to me. I base my wants, needs and desires all on love. I live to love and to give my love everywhere that will take it. You may also know this was not my first marriage and it would be my second divorce before 40. Ugh, so of course, what I believed to be my own failures in love were directed, internally. All I could think was here I go again jeopardizing, my own happiness, and my chance at love.

However, this decision was important. At 5:30am on the 29th, I asked for the divorce. At the time, I had no idea that was not going to be the only life changing experience I was to have this day. Up until this moment, the only reason this is not known was out of pure embarrassment I had in myself. I still had to work after asking for the divorce that morning, so I got on the train and commuted the 2 hours to my job. This was not just any job. This was a position I had spent the past 15 years, in misery, doing self-damaging call center work, so I would be ready for this position. I was running/ creating the department and then some. At least, after the morning, I had I still had this job to get me through the progression of the life I wanted to live. WRONG!!!!

I was a mess that morning but was asked to lead the morning meditation for the team.  I thought to myself, “oh man this is so needed right now.” The meditation was complete, and I was called into my boss’s office. Details are not needed, in this case, but just know, I was let go from my position, at this time only hours after asking for a divorce. WTF LIFE!!!!! All I could think of was this is amazing. I now get to go home to the woman just hours before asked for a divorce from and tell her, “By the way, guess what else?”

I did what everyone else would. I lost my damn mind and cut everyone out and crawled into my crab shell for protection because I had nothing left to give. I had no intention of ever coming out. I threw all my responsibilities out the door. I blamed everyone else, but the person who was responsible, which was myself. You would think this moment was the perfect moment for me to change. Except, I had not learned all the lessons I needed to before I would eventually take said responsibility for what was happening, in my own life. I still was not ready to grow up. I spent the next month leaving that responsibility on everyone else. What an irresponsible and gross adult I have been.

Enter February 2020 and the start of the blog you are currently reading. This did not begin until the end of February and the beginning of March, for a reason. In my period of fuck-it moments, I took a trip. I took a trip, instead of leaving my current situation because I thought I was helping and getting everything situated with my marriage. I felt like it was owed to her. Before I say anything else, think of the timeframe. You can only guess what happened next. I remember thinking specifically seeing people with masks at the airport, but not much was known, at this point, but I was not taking it seriously. It did not take long before I realized the severity. It only took three days of being home.

Quarantine had yet to occur, but I had enough sense and intelligence to quarantine myself from the rest of the world. I really did not have a choice. Within three days, I could not breathe. I had a fever that kept me bed-ridden and the lack of an ability to move and a cough that was the worst cough I had ever experienced before. These are all symptoms you all are familiar with, but it did not stop there. I finally got rid of the cough after two weeks to be followed by a week of vomiting and stomach cramping that I had never experienced before. These symptoms were not even being made aware until months later, but also a part of COVID-19.

The rest of the country went into quarantine at about the time I finally started feeling better. I just want to put something into perspective for you. I just was extremely sick for the past 3 weeks, while living with the woman I just asked for a divorce from. I had no income and the country just shut down. So naturally, what else would I do during this time then to follow my dreams and here we are. This time became an opportunity. It become my growth. I did not have a choice. I just had COVID-19, was going through a divorce, loss of job. I felt I had no other choice but to better myself, so I started this blog all the while of going through a spiritual awakening. What a hell of an awakening, right?

Not one aspect, of my present experiences have been easy, to say the least. I still struggle daily, but I also I can recognize how far I have come. I can appreciate, all of this without shame any longer. I am no longer embarrassed to ask for the help or inform you more about me, as a person.  You all can experience this with me, and it has helped me in more ways than you will ever know. I no longer care of when it happened, in my life, the fact is it is happening.

Now, for my last point. I blame my poor mental health, smoking, eating habits and the individuals I have kept in my life, up to this point, as to why I contracted COVID-19. I want you to realize that you are not above this pandemic. I do not care if you have not had personal experiences with it to have the proof because the death toll is your proof. The fact is the pandemic is real, whether you believe it or not. The events I went through during this time allowed me to have some crazy amount of strength I had no idea existed within me to fight through all of this. Others have not been so lucky. Please stop being ignorant to the fact that this is some type of governmental political statement. Yes, I HAD it, but I still wear a mask to protect you ungrateful asses. Be happy you have not had the experiences. Yes, I wear a mask for 8 hours a day at work. Yes, it is inconvenient, but it is not for me. It is for you. I still put myself above you. It is for those that do not have the strength I was lucky to find.

You are about to be really angry when we get put in lockdown again because you could not just stop for a moment to think of someone else besides yourself. It is going to happen again because you did not want to listen to the thousands of warnings the first time all because you think your own rights are being violated because you are being told to do so. The government tells you must have a driver’s license to legally drive, which violates your choice, but no one complains then even though that to is or the greater good of all and not yourself. I have never been so sick, in my life, forgive me that I do not want any of you to have this experience. I was so incredibly lucky!!!

Please stop living a life by chance like it would not happen to you and take responsibility because we are all in this together. This is the exact moment and change everyone has been asking for. It has been an incredible opportunity that so many of you are wasting and will never have again, in your lifetime. Stop complaining and come with solutions. Take the moment to better yourself, if anything instead of living the patterns you are complaining about. Wear the fucking mask and put others before you.  It is time to live by the Golden Rule. Please take the opportunity to show growth, as a human. It is all about the change we can all be and to show the love to each other we all deserve.

Regardless, I still love all of you, unconditionally.  I am still here for each and every one of you, despite difference of opinion.  If you are suffering, reach out. We ALL deserve to live and breathe and most importantly to be loved.

Missing you PRIDE 2020

It is that time of the year again, but this time it is different. As always, it is the first day of summer. Yes, as always, it is also Father’s Day, yet these are not the day(s) that I am referring to.Typically, I would have been up way too early for my liking. I would be hating my life from the previous day and night out at Charlie’s. Of course, I would have pretended I was 20 years old, with nothing phasing me because I did not care. I would be hating myself because regardless, of the previous night’s events, I would have not learned from the nineteen years of doing this, prior. I would still not learn any lessons.

I would be drinking a mimosa at 7am, waiting for the parade to start hours later. I would be waiting for someone to throw the fans, condoms and colored beads that would stain your neck every year because of the excessive heat that usually occurs, on this day.  I mean it is the first day of summer and all. Have no fear the rainbow of stain will wash off around 6pm when the park is closing because for whatever reason here comes the massive rainstorm. This happens right before you make the daunting trek up the hill of Colfax when you absolutely have nothing left. Well until you then get to your next destination, the bar. All of the sudden, it is round two and you are drinking and dancing the night away just to wake up the next day, as if you didn’t just have the “Hangover, “ weekend you just did.

Now, instead of living it I am here only writing about it. I crack open a Bud Light because it would not be today without one. I am grateful I have this weekend every year, but I am not just realizing how grateful I am to experience this gay Christmas for two days every year. I may not physically be at my 20th PRIDE in 2020, as planned, but I am so thankful for the memories I have experienced. I would not be missing this weekend, as much, if I were in fact there right now because I have not in years past. I would have never realized how impactful this weekend has been on me, up until now.



What PRIDE was like 20 years ago 😀


A long overdue thought never said

Every day putting out there the love

That is only imagined

Where is the silence is stronger?

The outer world’s or our own soul

as it watches from inside

The heart and mind

Thoughts come and go

But the memories with feelings and emotions

Is the true vibration

Light or Dark?

Ten of Wands

Ten of Wands


  • A man carries ten wands awkwardly into the night; his back is under strain from the weight he carries. He looks weary but his head is lifted, showing he has not given up and continues with determination. The Tens, the full expression of the suit.
  • You may feel weary and overwhelmed with responsibility, or feel overburdened and under pressure and strain
  • There are easier ways to handle the load
  • Take a step back and look beyond it, but determination will be required. It takes work. 
  • This could also be a warning- A wonderful idea or project may now feel as if it has become a burden
  • Could represent overworked- a reminder that a balance in life is required
  • Be cautious with taking on more than you can deal with. Will cause regrets if you do not control.

Personal Experience: The grass is greenest where you decide to put your energy to

Other Experience: People are paying attention to you persevere, from afar

Nine of Wands

Nine of Wands


  • A man dressed for battle and guards the eight wands. The ninth he holds before him in readiness to fight, defend, and protect that which he has worked so hard for. We can see by his pose and expression that he is weary, yet still he bravely protects his position. Nine is the penultimate number of the suit.
  • It represents that you feel as if all of your energy has been spent. The road has been long and you don’t feel you can go another step
  • Even though at your limit, the Nine of Wands message is your success is closer than you think and that you do actually have the inner strength required to make it. KEEP FIGHTING
  • It is not the time to stop
  • This is the moment to gather all you have left in you for the final push. Perseverance is key.
  • With courage and determination you will be victorious!

Personal Experience: Honor and Integrity will help carry you along the way. It will be your courage and strength because it will be your best self carrying on the fight. 

Other Experience: I see a bug looking at the man in awe of his courage and strength that he fights for the less fortunate, represented by the bug

Eight of Wands

Eight of Wands


  • Eight wands fly through the air, indicating speed,  over a fertile and lush countryside
  • If you have had setbacks or delays, the Eight of Wands will be welcomed because it brings swift-moving energy
  • A sudden burst of activity and excitement, following the arrival of good news
  • It represents travel, often by air

Personal Experience: Just because you see 8 wands now, doesn’t mean you can’t see the 10 sheep and that you are working towards improvement and you have already accomplished so much, in such a short amount of time.

Other Experience: Focus on what you do have and you will be drawn to the light

Seven of Wands

Seven of Wands


  • A man holding a wand defends his position against six others. The open door-way he appears to depend may represent his home-therefore, he is defending his own ideals. His expression is one of great concentration, although he does not appear perturbed. Sevens show the completion of a cycle and can bring changes.
  • Your ideas and beliefs may be challenged-feeling the need to defend yourself
  • While you may meet with opposition, the Seven of Wands indicates that you can win through and overcome obstacles
  • You need to remain calm to do so. 
  • Show confidence
  • Possess the courage to stand up for what you believe in

Personal Experience: Stay strong and poised and you will win

Other Experience: You are already this. See yourself as such.

Six of Wands

Six of Wands


  • Among waving banners and cheering crowds, a well-dressed man, rides his horse proudly and upright. His horse exuding the same energy. The wand has a laurel wreath, representing success. The number 6 represents harmony and balance
  • Signifies that your efforts and achievements will be recognized by others. TRUST
  • Often, represents a promotion is coming your way
  • If working hard, and questioning whether or not, your efforts will pay off, STOP-you will feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishments for yourself. RELAX. Others will be pleased too.
  • This type of success is well deserved and you have every right to feel pleased with your efforts.

Personal Experience: Laurel is my grandmother’s name. My angel. She is telling me, just as she did in high school with my creative writing, that my efforts and achievements will be recognized by others and to trust this. She is advising that my efforts will pay off, and to have patience. I will feel the satisfaction and accomplishments for myself. I just need to relax and others also will be pleased with my efforts. This is well deserved and I have every right to feel pleased with my efforts.

Other Experiences: You will be revered with patience and time.

Five of Wands

Five of Wands

Meaning .:

  • We can see five men threatening one another with five wands, as if in combat, yet it is quite unclear as to who is fighting with whom. The sky appears unsettled in the background and two mice scurry away as if anticipating trouble. Five is a number of instability, change and uncertainty.
  • Represents conflicts, differences of opinions, and petty squabbling
  • They may not be large problems and they can be overcome if cooperation is sought
  • Petty disorder can easily get out of hand and drain your energy from the actual problem that needs to be resolved.
  • If this energy is around you, try not to get involved
  • If handled correctly, the turmoil will just blow over
  • Don’t add fuel to the fire
  • Be open-minded, you may become quite popular with friends, at a later time
  • If you need to be heard, then now is not the time,causing  unnecessary turmoil 
  • Save it for another time when that is the actual problem that needs resolved

Personal Experience: This experience took on a new meaning for me and why the bold text above. I am very much already, in this energy flow, but I am not asking for guidance though guidance was provided for me through the bold text of what can be applied, in my present moment. That was just from reading the description and meaning from the book. I have yet to pick up the Five of Wands card.

With the card I saw a new perspective, brings re-birth

Thank you spirit, guides, angels and the Divine for your guidance

Other Experience: I then saw two rats, among the two butterflies signifying I will find my peace if I follow this guidance.

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