I feel like I always do this. I go and go, pushing all of me to a limit I never want to be at. This action causes a burnout internally similar to a sugar rush or a caffeine high and the comedown. The “comedown,” synonymous with the drugs and loss of a high.
The balance within myself is what I am questioning. With every activity, I gain interest in, I get that high then I give up. I no longer feel I have to put in the work to maintain the “high.” Just like with everything else and as cliche as it sounds, all you have to do is try. Trying is the maintenance necessary to keep rising up. It is the release of stagnancy most of us live with because of routine. A fear of change.
For me, there has not been the routine. There has not been the patterns that my small mind thrives on. I am lacking discipline. I am lacking the try. I have not figured it out so I am just going to write it out. Maybe you can relate? Maybe your words will be the answer to show my ego that it is time to take ownership of my own feelings.
I am trusting and believing more and more every day. Whether it is in the collective universe, in manifestation, spirit, in myself or in you. A puzzle piece fitting in the right place, at random. The right place at the right time. A thought meant to be.
I stopping calling my life experiences, weird. I stopped thinking I was a weirdo, in a world, meant for all.
Once again, I am sitting here. I am surrounded by an energy that brings such peace. I vibe with music, my thoughts, people and you.
It is a place I set my vibration for the day. It is a place I dance. It is a place with so many memories, already. It is a place I watch the bees.
I am currently, sitting with a variety of notes playing into my ears. I have a realization that I am not in a block from meditation, but just changing the location I meditate. I changed the location of where I release my thoughts and emotions back to the universe.
Change is inevitable when you choose to recognize the truth, or your intuition. Your awareness of people and events is not always a negative, but more lessons on how I would like to live life. Thank you for helping me to recognize beauty, in a world full of darkness.
The urge to fight the energy presenting itself, in the air, is real. We, as human kind, have dealt with all the planets going into retrograde, at some point during this chaotic mess we have no choice to live through. Depending on your alignment, at birth, the energy changes have presented themselves in different ways to each and every one of us. There have been good times with breakthroughs and there has been so much suffering for others.
Now, here we are sitting in the aftermath and I can not seem to get my shit together. The negativity is not coming from the pandemic. It is not coming from the hate humans can not seem to be showing each other. It is not from the differences that makes us, us.
For me, it is coming from a place of stagnancy. I stopped paying attention to the coincidences that present themselves in places of awkwardness. I stopped trying to be better and got comfortable where I am sitting. This giving old habits the opportunity to resurface. I followed an easier path out of pure laziness and exhaustion of constantly having to pay attention. I forgot I was on a journey. I started to panic. What comes with panic? The anxiety. The negative thoughts and a lack of self-worth. Meanwhile, I am been living a life that is going well. A false facade coming into play. I have been acting, in a way, that I am unable to coexist with what is happening all around me.
I have not been acting with integrity that I practice, on the daily with my outside influences. However, not within myself. The outer world winning again. I balanced my scales too far to one side.
Do not get me wrong. Life is still so good. The energy I am putting out to the universe, paying off and showing me how blessed I am daily. Somehow, in the midst of finding what I am truly grateful for, I have manipulated my own mind once again to think and act from a place of the outer world. I did not need to focus, on me. Is this not what mental health really is? We fight our own heart more than our own thoughts, but why?
We as humans work via instinctual behaviors. We make decisions, as quickly, as we can blink our eyes. The heart works the exact same way. However, for some reason, we would rather trust, our own mindsets that questions who we are. Our mindset causes a tornado of overthinking without giving a fuck about the path of destruction created by it’s own existence. A thought becoming, as dangerous, as a natural disaster when we could just feel and recognize our own paths through intuition. Intuition=emotions/feelings.
When we are happy, we smile or laugh. When we are sad we either cry or become angry. We do not think about smiling, or laughing. We do not say when we are sad, “I think I am going to cry right now, or better yet I should just be pissed off because I am hurt.” We just react.
My point is, we all need to do better about trusting our emotions and feelings. We need to trust our own self, who better to do so? We need to do a better job about trusting our easily influenced mindset from the social disasters we life through. We are causing our own rifts to our soul by trusting someone living outside of our own being. Here we are letting others control our own self-worth and then want to be upset about it, as if we didn’t have a choice. It’s time to take responsibility back. A task so simple once recognized.
The amount of lessons coming at me all at once have been overwhelming. They have been tests. Prior, I would call them the chaos or the inner workings of my own mind. Now, they are just lessons. I also normally would have test anxiety on paper, so why would lessons or tests be any different than reflections of our my own failures? However, I still have the choice of how I react to these inner failures. I mean lessons
I know I have grown immensely over the months. Though I know I am not still there. Wherever “there,” may be. These lessons become reality more often than not, but I still have a choice whether I see them as failures or as the lessons they are meant to be.
This shadow work I speak of often is such a less in itself. The lesson learned has changed. Before, it was about facing my faults and wrong doings. A place that made me feel, on top of the world because of what I had to do to get through these moments and my shortcomings. I was proud I had the balls to even make the necessary apologies or face all the negative I was omitting as a human. It was just a false security. I say that because I can talk about it and admit it out loud, but until actually facing the situation in life and not just as thoughts it is just words. It was just another trick of the mind.
I am not failing myself, is the difference. I am still placing blame where it belongs and owning where and when I am wrong. I am recognizing. I become familiar with the patterns.
The lesson is recognition. If you have the recognition, you have the ability to make a choice on how you handle your life during good or the bad times. Recognition is huge and you should be proud that you are able to look inside enough to realize you do not have to constantly live in a negative head space, especially when you think there is no hope. We all have difficult days. We will always have difficult days. Sometimes we need people to just ask how we are. Sometimes, we just need someone to listen without giving advice. Sometimes, we need drugs and alcohol to get through said times. Sometimes, we just need to be alone.
No one will be able to provide you with the right answers. They can offer a direction, but we as humans have free will and life by free will. Only you will know what is your right. That is the recognition in itself. So do me a favor, trust yourself. You do not have to trust anyone else, but you have no reason not to trust yourself. Your actions may have harmed someone else, but you did not break your own trust. Please recognize it is okay to not be okay.
Take the time to reward yourself. Most importantly, reward yourself for the little things. Reward yourself for who you are. Stop making excuses for yourself and recognize when are being shitty to yourself. Why talk down to yourself? What an asinine thing to do and just keeps you in the exact place you fight so hard every day to get out of. Rewarding yourself will bring a smile to your face when it seems impossible to be happy. I believe in you!
Today is today. Each hour is just that, an hour. Each second just a second. Yesterday is yesterday. The future is exactly that, but right now is what matters and what you can control. Right now is the moment to smile. It is a choice and you the recognition to yourself. Find your own song to make you feel like the badass that you are. Find your hype. You will find more than one song and the next thing you now you will have a playlist to bring that smile to your life. You have a hype list. Here is mine.
There is a beautiful calm to her She radiates the sunlight comparable to the reflection of her favorite flower A scary and intense beautiful calm this girl is My heart never able to steady just because of her smile This girl is dangerous but she is such a beautiful calm She is beautiful She is thoughtful She is her And she is my beautiful calm
I once again find myself taking a walk with the lyrics to a song that is driving the movement in my legs. The destination, being nature, that brings a calm to my soul. I sit near the lake’s edge and the tip of the pen, on the paper writing the words my heart and mind.
In the early morning hours, this place, sets the tone of my day. I return multiple times a day, in order to reconnect with myself when it feels smothered by every day life. It becomes a release from the anxieties of my crazed mind and the unease of human kind, in this world.
Lately, I have stopped sharing my light with you thinking, I do not need to continue once life is how it is supposed to be. Another lesson, or fault I’m realizing I need to be more disciplined about. The light has become non-existent to those that may need just the small amount I provide to continue to have hope. I stopped practicing. Just because my life is presenting, as so much good it should not mean my work does not need to continue.
The stigma with mental health is not necessarily seen as positive, but why? There are always opposite sides to the spectrum, in order for the other side to exist. Whether that is good or bad. We see it, as a struggle for one’s own sanity. However, we need sanity to have insanity. Life is about the balance of your own universe.
Life has been so good for me, as of yet. An aspect I preach on the daily because I stopped focusing on what I did not have and realized what I do have and the rest fell into place. My own new found balances contributing to my own happiness. The work that I had put into balancing my own scales. A feeling equal to a melody of a song sitting just right with the beat bringing a smile to your face. The song will eventually end and then it becomes a fight to hold onto the joy you just felt. The answer found within you, as the melody did in the song.
Therefore, in order to continue to have the joy, happiness, comfort and inner peace you can not just stop making your own melodies and expect for life to continue being as it should. I’m thankful for the recognition, so that my own light does not disappear as the sun goes down. I just have to take a different approach to the changes that happen, on the daily. Otherwise, there is the potential my own joy and happiness may once again leave, as quickly as it came in.
I no longer have to balance my life by fighting the demons of my own thoughts. Now, it is all about living with those demons, in conjunction with the joy and happiness. The balance between good and evil.
So, yes, if it takes going on the same walk multiple times a day hours after I just did, then that is what I have to do. Do not discount the power of your own choice to set your mood. If it takes sitting by the lake with nature recording every single thought I have to control my own inner tides then I have to do it without excuses. This allows me to ride the wave. The allows me to enjoy life. This is why life is so good.
I am just going to say when there is not necessarily chaos happening all around you, the motivation to put your thoughts on paper dissipates. Last time we spoke the universe was playing tricks, on my mind. Once again, I felt as if I was slipping back into the uncontrollable void we all have become familiar with. I did not sleep and had not been all week long, tossing and turning throughout the nights with no explanation.
The following day then happened. It started as usual. I went on my morning walk. I listened to my usual hype music, pumping myself up for the day, including posting my daily selfie. However, the week’s shenanigans were wearing on my mind. The thoughts were once again blocking my ability to allow the positivity to flow through me. I probably walked two miles before all of this nonsense subsided.
The more I thought about what was going on the less I was going to have the outcome I desired. I kept focusing on what I was not getting instead of what I could do about it. Hello! What do I preach on the daily? Here I was doing exactly what I know does not work. That is the key, to recognize. I was in control of my moods. I was in control of my attitude. I did not need any special tools to prove what I had already learned multiple times through multiple experiences.
I was able to at least find the positivity needed to go about my day. I was setting the intention for the rest of the day. The moment I did so, “the signs,” that were being shown to me all had answers. I am not going to front and say I was prepared because I was not! They were coming in quickly and there was a lot happening all at the same time. The difference is I was able to recognize what I was actually experiencing.
Now, here we are and just in a week it is like whatever had been happening during the past six months was preparing me for the “now.” Is that not the key word, now? It is not the past and it is not the future. It is the present moment giving you the answers you were once seeking, in the past. It is the present that provides the path for your future.
There really is not much more to say, other than recognize and stop fighting yourself. The only one to blame is you. Until you realize this you will continue to suffer. Just sayin’.