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I AM Here and Now

I am here and in the now. The more jumps being made the more grateful I have become. I am grateful for the happy and sad; or the good and bad, but that is neither nor there. There is no such thing, but abstract thoughts created by the ego, in order to persuade your conscious mind into a state of chaos. Everything that occurs due to your own free will occurs because you chose. You chose this or that. The “this” being good and bad, but never consistent. The “that” being the same. I hope you are starting to see. To view your choices, as truly shaping your entire existence. We are scared into thinking if we do wrong there are consequences when we are young. This is true but it is not so literal. It is figuratively speaking, because depending on how many times you choose to repeat a pattern that creates your chaos, the more you will view life with a negative connotation.

One choice, one decision can change your entire path to happiness. Your own heaven on earth. You can choose to see the blessings in life, or you can choose to see all the experiences that make us feel less than. The things what make you unique and different are the thigs you align with. Choose to see yourself for yourself and stop living choices by another soul’s judgement of how you should live life. If you are trying, then you are doing your best. You are trying. Trying to escape the tornado of thoughts, spinning you into the entirely wrong vortex. Your thoughts are your choices. Your choices are your happiness. Your happiness the love you have to give yourself or another. Choose wisely.

Love and appreciate you! Have a beautiful and blessed day!

Darkness

I am sitting here listening to the music flowing into my ears and facing truths today.

I am thinking about, all of the lessons I have faced in 2020. I am trying to accept, all the healing that has occurred, in my heart, mind and soul. I still need so much work, but who does not? I preach that everything in life needs practice. At the same time, I am never following this path for my ownself.

I am always questioning and overthinking. Instead, I should be thankful for the experiences that have shaped me into the woman I have become. With all of the sadness and unhappiness I have spent years living in. I have come to realize I have been poisoning, my own mindset with negativity. I have lived in a darkness only I can explain because it is my darkness and mine alone. As your darkness would be yours.

It is a space of loneliness, only created within the mind and not through reality. Time is fluid. In theory, there is never a time that is too late. For you, it could be only the beginning of self-discovery. The true meaning of life.

” You can’t rush your healing.”

-Trevor Hall-

For me, I am now realizing I am spending the time, healing a soul I have spent years neglecting. She is awakened.

Unsteady

We all become a little unbalanced within our soul.

I feel like I always do this. I go and go, pushing all of me to a limit I never want to be at. This action causes a burnout internally similar to a sugar rush or a caffeine high and the comedown. The “comedown,” synonymous with the drugs and loss of a high.

The balance within myself is what I am questioning. With every activity, I gain interest in, I get that high then I give up. I no longer feel I have to put in the work to maintain the “high.” Just like with everything else and as cliche as it sounds, all you have to do is try. Trying is the maintenance necessary to keep rising up. It is the release of stagnancy most of us live with because of routine. A fear of change.

For me, there has not been the routine. There has not been the patterns that my small mind thrives on. I am lacking discipline. I am lacking the try. I have not figured it out so I am just going to write it out. Maybe you can relate? Maybe your words will be the answer to show my ego that it is time to take ownership of my own feelings.

Weirdo

https://open.spotify.com/track/6b2oQwSGFkzsMtQruIWm2p?si=ThTxOdRbTjmkgULrSVDkWg

I am trusting and believing more and more every day. Whether it is in the collective universe, in manifestation, spirit, in myself or in you. A puzzle piece fitting in the right place, at random. The right place at the right time. A thought meant to be.

I stopping calling my life experiences, weird. I stopped thinking I was a weirdo, in a world, meant for all.

Here we are and it is just the beginning…

Changes

πŸ’•πŸ™

Once again, I am sitting here. I am surrounded by an energy that brings such peace. I vibe with music, my thoughts, people and you.

It is a place I set my vibration for the day. It is a place I dance. It is a place with so many memories, already. It is a place I watch the bees.

I am currently, sitting with a variety of notes playing into my ears. I have a realization that I am not in a block from meditation, but just changing the location I meditate. I changed the location of where I release my thoughts and emotions back to the universe.

Change is inevitable when you choose to recognize the truth, or your intuition. Your awareness of people and events is not always a negative, but more lessons on how I would like to live life. Thank you for helping me to recognize beauty, in a world full of darkness.

For What It Is Worth

The urge to fight the energy presenting itself, in the air, is real. We, as human kind, have dealt with all the planets going into retrograde, at some point during this chaotic mess we have no choice to live through. Depending on your alignment, at birth, the energy changes have presented themselves in different ways to each and every one of us. There have been good times with breakthroughs and there has been so much suffering for others.

Now, here we are sitting in the aftermath and I can not seem to get my shit together. The negativity is not coming from the pandemic. It is not coming from the hate humans can not seem to be showing each other. It is not from the differences that makes us, us.

For me, it is coming from a place of stagnancy. I stopped paying attention to the coincidences that present themselves in places of awkwardness. I stopped trying to be better and got comfortable where I am sitting. This giving old habits the opportunity to resurface. I followed an easier path out of pure laziness and exhaustion of constantly having to pay attention. I forgot I was on a journey. I started to panic. What comes with panic? The anxiety. The negative thoughts and a lack of self-worth. Meanwhile, I am been living a life that is going well. A false facade coming into play. I have been acting, in a way, that I am unable to coexist with what is happening all around me.

I have not been acting with integrity that I practice, on the daily with my outside influences. However, not within myself. The outer world winning again. I balanced my scales too far to one side.

Do not get me wrong. Life is still so good. The energy I am putting out to the universe, paying off and showing me how blessed I am daily. Somehow, in the midst of finding what I am truly grateful for, I have manipulated my own mind once again to think and act from a place of the outer world. I did not need to focus, on me. Is this not what mental health really is? We fight our own heart more than our own thoughts, but why?

We as humans work via instinctual behaviors. We make decisions, as quickly, as we can blink our eyes. The heart works the exact same way. However, for some reason, we would rather trust, our own mindsets that questions who we are. Our mindset causes a tornado of overthinking without giving a fuck about the path of destruction created by it’s own existence. A thought becoming, as dangerous, as a natural disaster when we could just feel and recognize our own paths through intuition. Intuition=emotions/feelings.

When we are happy, we smile or laugh. When we are sad we either cry or become angry. We do not think about smiling, or laughing. We do not say when we are sad, “I think I am going to cry right now, or better yet I should just be pissed off because I am hurt.” We just react.

My point is, we all need to do better about trusting our emotions and feelings. We need to trust our own self, who better to do so? We need to do a better job about trusting our easily influenced mindset from the social disasters we life through. We are causing our own rifts to our soul by trusting someone living outside of our own being. Here we are letting others control our own self-worth and then want to be upset about it, as if we didn’t have a choice. It’s time to take responsibility back. A task so simple once recognized.

Time To Recognize the Hype

The amount of lessons coming at me all at once have been overwhelming. They have been tests. Prior, I would call them the chaos or the inner workings of my own mind. Now, they are just lessons. I also normally would have test anxiety on paper, so why would lessons or tests be any different than reflections of our my own failures? However, I still have the choice of how I react to these inner failures. I mean lessons

I know I have grown immensely over the months. Though I know I am not still there. Wherever “there,” may be. These lessons become reality more often than not, but I still have a choice whether I see them as failures or as the lessons they are meant to be.

This shadow work I speak of often is such a less in itself. The lesson learned has changed. Before, it was about facing my faults and wrong doings. A place that made me feel, on top of the world because of what I had to do to get through these moments and my shortcomings. I was proud I had the balls to even make the necessary apologies or face all the negative I was omitting as a human. It was just a false security. I say that because I can talk about it and admit it out loud, but until actually facing the situation in life and not just as thoughts it is just words. It was just another trick of the mind.

I am not failing myself, is the difference. I am still placing blame where it belongs and owning where and when I am wrong. I am recognizing. I become familiar with the patterns.

The lesson is recognition. If you have the recognition, you have the ability to make a choice on how you handle your life during good or the bad times. Recognition is huge and you should be proud that you are able to look inside enough to realize you do not have to constantly live in a negative head space, especially when you think there is no hope. We all have difficult days. We will always have difficult days. Sometimes we need people to just ask how we are. Sometimes, we just need someone to listen without giving advice. Sometimes, we need drugs and alcohol to get through said times. Sometimes, we just need to be alone.

No one will be able to provide you with the right answers. They can offer a direction, but we as humans have free will and life by free will. Only you will know what is your right. That is the recognition in itself. So do me a favor, trust yourself. You do not have to trust anyone else, but you have no reason not to trust yourself. Your actions may have harmed someone else, but you did not break your own trust. Please recognize it is okay to not be okay.

Take the time to reward yourself. Most importantly, reward yourself for the little things. Reward yourself for who you are. Stop making excuses for yourself and recognize when are being shitty to yourself. Why talk down to yourself? What an asinine thing to do and just keeps you in the exact place you fight so hard every day to get out of. Rewarding yourself will bring a smile to your face when it seems impossible to be happy. I believe in you!

Today is today. Each hour is just that, an hour. Each second just a second. Yesterday is yesterday. The future is exactly that, but right now is what matters and what you can control. Right now is the moment to smile. It is a choice and you the recognition to yourself. Find your own song to make you feel like the badass that you are. Find your hype. You will find more than one song and the next thing you now you will have a playlist to bring that smile to your life. You have a hype list. Here is mine.

A Beautiful Calm

There is a beautiful calm to her
She radiates the sunlight comparable to the reflection of her favorite flower
A scary and intense beautiful calm
this girl is
My heart never able to steady just because of her smile
This girl is dangerous
but she is such a beautiful calm
She is beautiful
She is thoughtful
She is her
And she is my beautiful calm

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