I see the light from the dark, every day. I would never believe I’d be telling you about how comfortable I am with being 40. An age that has plagued me since childhood, for decades. The ultimate end point. The make it or break it moment, in your life. The true “grown up” age.
Oh I grew up, alright! I grew up to remember who the fuck I am. That whole self-love aspect, we are so easily able to forget. We spend our lifetime, begging to remember. We hope to not care at a level where our hearts no longer hurt and the tears no longer fall from our eyes.
The healing point where you no longer give a fuck because you have to see the light from the dark.
You step into your power. The memory of the queen and the goddess, you’ve always have been. Who you truly are is now the reflection you see staring back at you, each and every day.
I am repeating the same message, over and over, because just like an affirmation, it has to be repeated to be felt. It is the practice and the work you put into how badly you want to see life and exactly that.
The abundance of life is seeing what you have now and the beauty that each of our souls exude. It depends on how badly you want to fight! You have to practice. The work is endless and a struggle each and every day. Practice when you can, so that the difficult is now apparent.
Another day and another time. There is this lesson and breaking of a cycle, I am struggling with. I have finally grown from a co-dependent aspect of life. This applies to the friendships, situationships, relationships or even acquaintances. Their value of me is irrelevant.
Since recently deciding I was going to be open to trying relationship new reality has come to light, in the dating scene, in your 30’s and above.
I started this blog writing about the Bi-Partisan Civil War we have been living through. Nothing has changed. New race wars have begun, but the government’s focus has changed to creating a war within a pandemic. A different focus, same issue because our country is our example, as a society.
We already deal with so many labels. Why are we now interested in creating more labels for ourselves? Is it not the point to remember our own self-love? Read that again, not fine our self-love, to remember. We are meant to create our own self-identity and be accepting. We are not meant to “love,” someone else’s perception of us, but we put such a high value on such. A perception, that becomes so strong. So strong, that someone else can put a “label,” on what you may be able to identify with about “you.”
For whatever reason, I am scaring away even new potential friendships with my energy and who I am. However, I will not sacrifice me. Especially, for the willingness of someone’s want to be, in my life. My perception, every one of us has our own journey.
“What we see as “damaged,” about us is still only a perception.” There is always another day and another time.
A perception can be altered and there is always room for growth. Another day and another time.
The damaged and most vulnerable are who I feel I am attracting with my magnet of energy, at the moment. I always have. “Who I am,” is now scaring them way even, as friends. I do not want to fix you. Your worth is important for you to see. I want to help you alter your perception of yourself. So hopefully, you too can grow and heal. I have spent lifetime living this same perception.
I am looking on the journal page, next to the one I am currently putting my pen to realizing I am somebody else. The last time I wrote in my journal, was February 26, 2021. I sought out other outlets that served the same purpose, for reasons unknown. Since, I have made blog posts. I was just not documenting them.
When you are going through your spiritual awakening, everything is ironic. There were once days, that plagued my over-thinking thoughts patterns of guilt. It was a feeling of constant guilt that I was obligated to do everything. You learn that you are never obligated to do anything. It is a change that without notice, that occurs. The reason you stop paying attention. It could also be a change of perspective.
This day was very significant this time last year. A lesson that was not confirmed until I am sitting ere listening to Flora Cash’s “You’re Somebody Else.” The lyrics repeating just like every other pattern presented, in life itself.
Flora Cash-You’re Somebody Else
“Well you look like yourself, but you’re somebody else… Only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself. No, I hear someone else though…Now, you’re making me nervous…“
Lyrics from Flora Cash “You’re Somebody Else”
It reminds me that I never believed I would ever lose my obsession and codependency on someone else. This is my fault. I refused to learn the codependency lesson. I carried this lesson onto the next chapter. It was apparent into the next closest thing I had to a relationship since my divorce. Oh, but I have grown since. You best believe. I have been absolutely alone for a very long time now. Thank god!
Those lyrics I just wrote down can also be a representation, of my growth. It does not have to be a song about heartache. A lesson learned in itself. I am definitely no longer co-dependent for someone to show me of my worth. I am proud of me!
Here we are the eve of my 40th birthday. “This Woman’s Work, ” is playing in my headphones reminding me how good of a movie Love and Basketball was. I digress. Honestly, I feel like I am little Josh Baskin’s at the Zoltar machine about to make my wish. I spent the day reflecting on the past 10 years of my life. It has been rough, but the thirties were good to me and I am incredibly grateful for the lessons.
I have healed.
Now, it is the eve of my birthday and the New Moon is in Cancer. New moons are about new beginnings and manifestation. So I prepared my moon water. I wrote on my white piece of paper my manifestations. I only had one. Seems fitting that the moon energy is about wishes coming true and it is time to blow out my candles….
I Wish To Be “Big”
In a way, my wish to be big did come true. It is true what they say. That once you turn 40, you stop giving fucks. I chose to no longer “give a fuck.” It has a sense of peace that I am not used to feeling. From the beginning, I have spoke of riding the wave. At each stage of this journey, I have failed to truly learn the lesson of riding the wave. I have realized that somehow I have still been following the cliché of “faking it until I make it.” This is not allowing healing. It is not allowing me to forgive myself for playing a victim for way too long, in my life. It is about time I have learned this lesson.
Change is real if you want it to be. Over the past year, I have done some pretty ballsy things. I had to stop allowing behaviors that were not healthy for myself. Behaviors that were not good for any type of relationship. I have stuck to my vow of acting with full honesty and integrity. By doing this, it allowed me to learn so many life lessons that I have honestly fought up until today.
The subject, I have one hundred percent avoided this entire journey was talking about was any person, specifically. Individuals, a part of a cycle, that I had yet to complete. I am still going to be respectful and not go into detail. I had a win today. A proud moment I am able to see within myself. An accomplishment that I am proud of from the past year. It is my story to tell. If they want their side told, they can tell it with their own hands. Change is real if you want it to be.
Change is real if you want it to be. Oh shit, look who mastered not healing trauma with trauma finally!
The sarcasm less in my writing and my wisdom more. Is it wisdom or merely just my account of experience that shapes how my year goes? Only I, will be able to look within to find the answer. An answer to the question that will be irrelevant in mere minutes, due to my philosophical “high brain.”
I digress, constantly. Especially, when I speak and when I write. I question how so many words, in thought or typed out, form any logic. It is so much information packed into such a small timeframe. The crazy thing I did today that I considered to be a win is what I was talking about.
My first relationship, since my divorce threw me for another loop that I told no one about. Until today, I did not receive validation. This situation ship ended in November 2020. Not that I have not been over it. I just received the confirmation. It was like the first test of going drinking after you have quit smoking. You will wonder if you will be able to resist the urge to do so because social drinking does that.
Change is real because I wanted it to be. I reached out. I made sure there was not a reason I felt her in my thoughts. We are coming up on the timeframe this relationship entered my life, last year. She was good. I advised, “glad to hear you are good and have a good day.” I did not inviting any other conversation. I won today because I healed something completely alone. A situation that only brought me lower, at a time I was at my highest. I found faith where there was no faith to be found.
Just like that, I started writing. I started writing, as if there has not been months since I last typed a word here. Yes, I have updated my posts for SEO purposes, but unfortunately what happens when you go against the grain of things you become ignored. I was talking about my blog being recognized by Google, but somehow you have applied it to your daily life. Why do you think that is? Why did you think about being the black sheep amongst the flock?
If you notice I no longer write, as if writing, in my journal. I still do this, but my healing has been coming from other places that I have not visited before in my past. I still carry the same purpose. My message does not change, but the fear is no longer there. I can guarantee myself, 100 percent failure because I have not been trying.
Life has changed in so many dramatic ways over the past year. A year and a half ago, I started typing these words to you knowing what I was doing, but I had no idea as to the why. The the “why,” is the answer our ego is constantly looking for in a pattern of overthinking.
I have made excuses over the last few months as to why I shouldn’t write. None of which were ever valid. Every day for the past year I have known what I have needed to do. I set myself up, purposefully. Due to the inability to control my overthinking, I have never been a planner. I am always saying I will overthink my overthinking. Well, if given too much time that is where my mind goes on the endless sliding through the tunnel of the rabbit hole that is so easy for most of us to imagine. My truth is every day I think about doing exactly this, at least 10 times, but my mind has crippled me with fear as to every reason as to why not. Then the time is gone. I have wasted minutes of my day fighting something that has already proven to have been working.
Just like that, here I am!
5 days and counting until my 40th birthday. In 5 days, this journey I set out on was to be completed by the 10th of July, 2021. When setting this goal, a time that I would learn to have become irrelevant. A time of unrealistic probability, but hey it was the beginning of 2020. We always set out on new journeys, at the beginning of the year because we have been conditioned to think “New Year, New Me.” At the time, I had no idea that 2020 would become an accurate metaphor for my life.
I still struggle every day with recognizing my accomplishments of my life, or even where I have come to this point. My physical being is no better that the year ago and leaving my ex-wife for the first time in almost 8 years. Physically, nothing has changed. However, I am never better mentally and spiritually. This is because I choose to be every single day. Grasping onto a single layer of hope that everything I say am is true to my character that now knows how to be the protagonist, in her own life.
Every story having a climax. Your story a record of your own internal thoughts. The story becomes infinite. Your journey does not end. Your staircase is the rainbow. Just as there is no ending to the rainbow, other than an imagined pot of gold you put your attention to; your staircase never ends. You just continuously build another step. You add another rung to the ladder. The ending through the clouds. An illusion in the sky. A reflection of the light. All an illusion to what your imagination desires. No different than any other dream or goal, in your life.
I am going to begin free writing and see what path we may go on together. I felt forced to write only if I had a subject. My thoughts are led by my mind and an idea, ego driven and with not the right intention. My true intention becomes clear only if I allow my words to flow freely through my heart.
One does not just start free writing without an idea. I have to start somewhere. One would think this would not be challenging for an overthinker. The gibberish should just start flowing. Free writing is about not having limitations and yet I still feel like I need a forced subject. How ridiculous my ego is. I make my life so fucking difficult all of the time, but for what?
The Ego Doesn’t Allow Free Writing
My struggle isn’t acceptance and self-love though it may seem. What my soul represents will still put others above being my best self, why? Why did I choose this path?
My focus for so long has been what I don’t have. What I’m not doing is consuming my ego, as it wishes for me to experience every second my heart beats. The need for control. The need for acceptance is overpowering me, as it has as long as I can remember. A stipulation I have placed on my own self. An expectation, meant to be impossible to feed my ego’s desires to give in.
It’s comparable to a virus. Or better yet, the mucus blob seen in the Mucinex commercials mischievously trying to implant itself on your cells. A virus attacking the immune system until you have no choice to give into the sickness. This time it is not our immune system. It is our own mental health overtaken by the dark side. A place Vader never was able to escape. Mucinex is to that blob as ebb is to flow. A necessary evil to restore balance to all.
When you start to awaken you begin to realize that every single moment of your life is a choice. While our odds are stacked pretty high, there is a 50/50 chance, we will choose the same “50,” every time. We do that because it is easier. It is routine. It is what the ego has tricked our own mind to think we should do every time we run into this same scenario based on fear. What we fail to realize is, we would not have to relive that same scenario a 100 times picking the same 50, if we would take just a brief moment to stop and pick the other 50. That other “50,” represents the human mind’s ideal of the grass is greener on the other side.
Unless we become aware of the lesson attempting to be shown to us, however, we will never escape the never ending cycle. Let me make something clear, however, though you make the choice to pick the other 50, the grass may not be, in fact greener.
However, free writing, will have an answer to both sides. It is where the “lesson” and the ultimate choice plays a part. It will then just be a choice whether or not you want a 1lb of shit, on one side of the scale, or if you would like 1lb of gold, on the other side. Regardless, a pound is a pound, but you have a better understanding of which “50,” is the pile of shit you no longer wish to live through. I made a choice to use free writing today. Maybe that was the other 50 I chose for myself.
I am having a realization. The answer to the “meaning of life,” can only be defined by philosophy. This is why the answer to this question, creates the chaotic pattern of overthinking.
The answer to life, can not be defined, for everyone. Our ego can bring an answer by making a choice and not by what science would theorize. We are looking at the wrong science for the answer. A pattern or cycle is the reason we do this. A pattern or cycle we chose for ourselves.
The answer is personal. What you make of it is the definition of life, itself. You create your own answer. The meaning of life is your own journey.
Here I am, one year later, still talking about journeys and patterns. The same journeys and patterns controlled by your own overthinking. Causing the chaos you so desperately want a release from. The difference for me, in the present, is my emotion towards it all that is defined by my own…
Meaning of Life
The said definition of life can not be absolute, as we are conditioned to think or taught. The reason is we are the creator, through a journey determined by free will. Our own free will.
The peace, we all seek or; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow we are determined to prove that the grass is greener on the other side, is simply the “meaning of life.” Your meaning of life, your journey.
The afterglow. As life continues, so does the shifts in energy. As time is non-existent, I think to myself, my reality is more dream like than a true existence in the human form. The more I continue, on this journey to find my treasure,(myself) the more life seems like a trip on the blue pill sending me down-ward on the spiral to my own wonderland.
A rabbit hole, symbolic to my own chase. I am fearful, of an ending because it would be a reality, of a purpose stuck on the tracks of its own cycle.
The fear can be stopped by making a choice to never stop dreaming and becoming the best version of yourself. If you do make the choice of stopping to believe you will then let the rabbit hole control you, in a way that you forget your journey never ends, but will continue spiraling down. When all along you can change the direction of your spiral just by looking up.
The shadows don’t exist in the sky. They exist below. Just like the afterglow, of an ember fighting to breathe when everything else, in the fire, has turned to ash.
The soul has a contract that is chosen by you. Meaning, I am learning through research that we pick our so called, “battles” before we are ever born on earth. To be in love, is to find the one that matches your vibration. The struggles you experience were a choice you made, so that you may learn a certain lesson to find your best self.
Only now, am I starting to view the lessons as blessings, instead of lessons being misery. My soul had high expectations for itself, as does my own vibration.
However, we still pick the contract. We still pick our journey whether we operate with free will or not. We are still responsible for our choices in life. The same choices that shape how we choose to live. We are so quick to blame, but we, as in your soul and ego are in charge of the operation.
Be more responsible with your choices. Make choices with integrity. Always do your best. This is all you can do, but I will promise you, you will be rewarded in the end. Only if you make the choice.
The Soul Contract
Your soul is the gateway to your heart Your mind the gatekeeper A free spirit but controlled by experience The soul lives within the shell of infinite madness When we fall in love, do we nurture the vibration? When we hurt, have you lost part of what only you know? Do they work together to control the energy? Your vibration looking for its mate While heart say it is love Your mind tells the ego, no If you stop looking the heart prevails If you overthink, you have talked yourself out of an answer Does your heart feel? Does your mind think? What is in control? The soul is the driver of your life and not this physical being you call home We do not leave this body when our last breath is taken, but when it has changed its path The soul learned from your mind The soul learned from your heart but yet it is never connected I watch from above And I watch from afar I have only just begun to breathe Because my soul needs no one