I Do Not Have Space

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I do not have space for that; that no longer serves me. If you choose to listen to my compliments and words of encouraging and respect, without returning the same behaviors. I no longer have space for you. If I need to talk and you tell me you are too busy, but you accept it from me always who is just as busy I no longer have space for you. If you are not willing to give whatever the relationship may be the respect it deserves I do not wish to continue any type of relationship with you.

This means, I have tried over and over again with you without receiving in return. This means, I listened to your selfish words tell me to my face that I was not good enough to have a relationship with me. It means that I am dimming my light, in order for you to have happiness and not getting the same, in return.

I Do Not Have the Space

We spend too much of our lifetime being this for others, when it should be us that is receiving. I am taking my light back. My power is being gained back and my words will be said to the right people. I do not feel bad because my life is about me. It is not about you. It is about how I want treated. Not how you want treated. Maybe one day, you too will go through your journey and correct the behaviors that once hurt other people so that you can find your healing and have the relationships you want and deserve. That is all I am doing.

This used to be the hardest aspect of life for me to let people go. I practiced and practiced and no it is the easiest behavior I carry into the NOW. I do not have space.

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Journey to Enlightenment Day #1


Module 1:

I am not saying I know myself, at all. I am asking for assistance, HELP, guidance, in the process, whatever and however that may be. Thank you, for showing me the light, on this journey.

Exercise #1 5.19.2020

5= Bliss

1= Awful

Life Aspect Worksheet-Relationships

Love Life Rating: 3

How do you feel about the romantic relationships in your life? 3

Are they passionate and exciting? 2

Do you feel that you and your partner(s) really connect? 4

Do your relationships last for a considerable amount of time? 3

Are your relationships balanced and loving? 3

Personal Relationships (Family and Friends) Rating: 1.6

Are you supportive and involved in these relationships? 2

Do you have close ties with your family? 1

Do you make it a point to spend time with family and friends on a regular basis? 1

Do you feel you get the support you need from this “inner circle” of yours? 2

Do you have people you trust enough to confide in? 2

Professional Relationships (Colleagues and Bosses)Rating: .8

Do you feel appreciated and valued in your workplace? 2

Do you have professional relationships that you value and trust? 1

Do you have a mentor at work? 1


Life Aspect Worksheet-Career

Rating: 1.38

Are you happy in the industry you work in? 3

Do you feel challenged and fulfilled with the kind of work you do? 1

Does this career path play to your strengths? 3

Does your career offer room for growth or advancement? 1

Do you feel your talents are being used to their fullest extent? 1

Do you enjoy going to work everyday? 1

Is your job within a reasonable distance to your home? 1

Is this the career you dreamed about when you were young? 1

Did you purposely choose this career? 3

Are you as happy with your job as you were when you started? 1

Do you feel your boss and co-workers appreciate the job you do? 1

Do you feel that you’re a valued member of the team? 1

If you could do any job in the world, would this be it? 1

Total/13= Rating: 18

Life Aspect Worksheet-Finances

Rating: 2.28

Do your finances allow you to live a comfortable lifestyle? 2

Do you feel you make enough money to meet your needs? 1

Do you stress about money on a regular basis? 2

Do you ever argue over money with loved ones? 1

Do you pay your bills on time? 1

Are you able to save money every month? 1

Do you take an active role in budgeting and managing your finances? 1

Do you understand the various investment tools and programs available to you? 2

Do you ever read books about money, investing or financial well-being? 1

Do you often wish you made more money than you do? 4

Do you have dreams that would require you to make more money? 5

Is money ever an obstacle to you getting what you want in life? 5

Is your cash kept neat and flat in your purse or wallet? 5

Do you always know how much money you have at any given time? 1

Total/14=Rating: 32

Life Aspect Worksheet-Spirituality

Rating: 3.14

Do you feel content with your belief system? 3

Do you feel connected to a Higher Power? 2

Does your belief system allow you to explore new ideas and concepts? 5

Do you regularly practice your spirituality or religion? 4

Do you feel that your belief system is accepted by your family and friends? 1

Do you feel firm in your belief system, without unanswered questions or doubts? 2

Does your belief system sync with your personal values and practices? 5

Total/7=Rating: 22

Life Aspect Worksheet-Personal Growth and Development

Rating: 2.46

Do you feel that you’ve grown and matured over the last five to ten years? 1

Do you regularly participate in personal development exercises? 4

Do you regularly explore new beliefs and ideas? 4

Are you open to incorporating those new ideas into your own belief system? 5

Do you have a support circle that you can discuss your thoughts and ideas with? 1

Are you excited about what the future holds? 2

Do you feel you’ve learned valuable lessons from past experiences? 3

Do you live consciously and with purpose? 1

Do your daily activities mesh with your personal goals? 3

Do you journal on a regular basis? 3

Do you meditate on a regular basis? 3

Do you like who you’ve become so far? 1

Do you have a clear picture and plan for the future? 1
Total/13=Rating: 32

Switching It Up

Switching it up. You are going to start experiencing it as I do instead of reading about it. Meaning, originally when all I did was post this video it was meant for you to watch because it was meant to be seen by myself. It was a part of my journey.

I could watch the video, as I originally have, but that defeats the purpose. I see the proof daily. This a my mind, at the time, but what do you see? Can it help you? What is your message? My purpose has been to plant my seed and hopefully be helpful to someone else in need of the information. A video from Tolle explains, what at the time my own mind is unable to comprehend for anyone else, but myself.

As I am updating this post, only for the sole purpose of SEO to be recognized on Google I can only imagine the message, in this video is the message I am typing over a year later. My experiences again aligning until a lesson learned. It is just presenting itself, at a different time.

It is time to switch it up.

Switching it up, is advice that has been plaguing me and now obvious. I have seen my growth from this moment. This period of time a test for my soul. Am I really done with the bullshit? Am I done with the constant being taken advantage off? I am sure done with people not treating me with value even in a place of friendship. I can’t even look at a potential relationship because I am having difficulty for people even want to be a friend. It is a weird stage and I am working through so that I have an understanding.

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Life Lessons

No, it is not a LEGO

“I think I’m the true lover/friend unconditional love teacher for everyone. The belief, in a fairy-tale love, and I show to people their worth. That “Prince Charming,” whomever, that may be to them, is a possibility, and not that of the “fairy-tale,” itself.”

I said this yesterday and it was such an eye opening experience for my own soul. A peace.

Now, it is early morning, the following day and I am outside enjoying the morning with the singing birds. I look down. Another life lesson, not to be ignored.

Even mother nature, is using a seed to represent a sword. Telling me, “Keep fighting.”

Be kind and have an amazing day!


Needed for dramatic and intentional effect

If I am sharing a song or video with you it is because it is meant to be watched for the full effect of my thoughts.
Conditioning is practice. Practice is bringing into fruition what you intend to be. A cadence is practice. A cadence is conditioning. The cadence you hear above I mentioned, in one of my previous posts and the word, “kill.” Even as I write this, I feel the same type of ick and the need to cleanse. I wonder who is watching and listening, waiting to change the status of my discharge. A guilt that I am doing something wrong by admitting this fucked me up.
As a military police officer, during boot camp and AIT for whatever reason we were held to a different standard than any other professions in the ARMY. Boot Camp for MP’s is 6 weeks and then 11 weeks of AIT. Essentially, your training for your job. The college of the ARMY. The cadences were the only music I experienced during this time. As I stated, yesterday my emotion for music is “beauty.” Beauty became represented by the one word, “kill.” If you get only one lesson from this read let it be that last sentence. Read it again. Sit on it. Take a breath.
I do not do well with being told what to do, EVER! I have never dealt with authority well. That is alright, I giggled too as I wrote it. I got “capped, ” a lot while in the military because of this trait that I possess. (Military Definition-Capped: Punished, made to do extra-mundane activities meant to teach a lesson to not defy authority.) 🙂 Activities, such as filling (25) 5-gallon water jugs and loading them into a truck to go to the range, in the morning at 3am. Then you are told to unload all 25 back off the truck and dump all the water you spent the last hour filling. You just finish and your, your unit is lining up for a 4am PT formation. That was my punishment for singing while in the line waiting for my eggs, as I heard Timbaland’s The Way I Are playing over the loud speaker. The only music I heard in weeks.
There was not a lot of coping options to assist me with so much of who I was not, as a human being. Sundays were the only day I had. Sundays were the days I spent hours, in line, hoping I had enough minutes to have a 10-15-minute conversation with the ones I loved and missed the most. Having to decide, each day who be the lucky one, I got to hear comfort me. The others having to wait weeks for a response from me. A response, the US ARMY got to see before I did. They saw the emotions, meant for you, before you did. The calls listened to; every word shared with a stranger. Every word I wrote read before anyone of us got to feel.
Through all of this, Sundays also became special to me for a different reason. I found something to bring me back to the beauty I felt I was lacking through the entire experience. I don’t talk about this portion, often, out of fear that if I do that it will take away from the good I found, in a very dark time.
I am going back to my roots, for a moment. My mother raised me, in the Baptist Church. I do not focus on this aspect of me because it does not define me, but it was a lesson I was reminded of. Sundays became a memory and a way to cope, in unison. A feeling I am reminded of frequently as I go through isolation, currently.
Every Sunday, after cleaning my weapon, rolling my socks and tucking the corners of the military issued cotton blanket providing the only warmth for my soul, at night. I lined up, in a small formation of 5 people at noon, on Sundays. Just like that we were off. Left…. Left…. Left, Right, Left…What is the color of blood?…Red…Red…Red,,, What do we do…Kill…Kill…Kill…Left…Left…Left, Right, Left…

My destination, a pew, at the back of an African-American Baptist Church.

My roots, my faith, music and beauty, in one location. My cleanse, my confession, at the end of a week of practicing, “killing.” Every service, ending with communion and the song “Oh Happy Day,” projecting through the rafters of a church I had no tie to. I would hear the last note, stand-up, about face and once again, Left… Left… Left, Right, Left…

That one moment, for only an hour, I was 11 again. Watching the following scene, on repeat and I had nothing else.

Holy fuck! What did we do without High-Def? For those that don’t wear glasses, that’s what it looks like when you need to. Just in case you didn’t know. 🙂

I was back in the church. I was back with my mom. I had faith, if only for an hour. A moment of realization that we do have soundtracks to our lives. For only an hour a week, learning the lesson that you cannot run away from life because the grass is not always greener, on the other side. You cannot run away from the ones you love. An hour of keeping the faith, in a time where a birthday card sent from your sister on your birthday mocking your commander in chief and just that alone getting you thrown in jail by military law and now look at the man he developed into after I had such a strong distaste for who he once was, but I left to fight for him. We do not change; we develop into who we are meant to be. We fix that of what we do not left on our souls. It was a time where, I signed “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” swearing under oath and to God that my sexual preference was not geared towards females. I would wonder, if I would turn around and arrest me, after one night of listening to my calls or reading my mail.
So, when asked why I have a female’s name tattooed, on my neck, that is because I was not the only one going through the mentioned above when I was. There are always multiple sides to someone’s story. These are not excusing for my behaviors or wrongs, but explains to someone’s questions, over the years and not able to be vulnerable enough to be honest. The reason because she asked me to. A symbol.

Some tattoo semi-colon’s for suicide awareness and some a puzzle piece for Autism. I did a name, as a reminder of everyone else involved, in your own internal PTSD’s. The real victims. They need recognized too. That is why you still see the name and it is not covered up, as if it did not happen.

My neck tattoo
My wrist tattoo

My tattoos became my story. They became my scars. They become my art and they became my beauty. When looking at my reflection, I no longer see the ink representing my own beauty. They are not seen because they have become a part of me. They are a part of my skin. They are my strength.

Taylor in my BCG’s
The day I left for boot camp


Photo by brenoanp on Pexels.com

Recently, I have been shown why people struggle with being alone. Present situation, aside. This has nothing to do with quarantine, but more witnessing the suffering from those close to me, acquaintances, strangers, and those around the world.

Just like reed, read, read and red, the word lonely with no altered spelling takes on and presents itself with different perceptions based on individuality. Therefore, physically alone shows a distorted image of emotional loneliness, in the reflection seen staring back at you.

You can physically be next to someone and never feel lonelier. Our human body just a shell for the heart, brain, and soul. Physical changes have no altering effect on our conscious or emotional being, in the sense of reality. The physical cannot alter the subconscious, but only a thought can. Only a feeling can. Therefore meditation, hypnosis, energy healing, all of it works. Physical is always temporary but the subconscious takes on being permanent, as a backup for the ego. It does this, so when our conscious mind fails you, you will always have yourself, in the end.