I feel like I always do this. I go and go, pushing all of me to a limit I never want to be at. This action causes a burnout internally similar to a sugar rush or a caffeine high and the comedown. The “comedown,” synonymous with the drugs and loss of a high.
The balance within myself is what I am questioning. With every activity, I gain interest in, I get that high then I give up. I no longer feel I have to put in the work to maintain the “high.” Just like with everything else and as cliche as it sounds, all you have to do is try. Trying is the maintenance necessary to keep rising up. It is the release of stagnancy most of us live with because of routine. A fear of change.
For me, there has not been the routine. There has not been the patterns that my small mind thrives on. I am lacking discipline. I am lacking the try. I have not figured it out so I am just going to write it out. Maybe you can relate? Maybe your words will be the answer to show my ego that it is time to take ownership of my own feelings.
The amount of lessons coming at me all at once have been overwhelming. They have been tests. Prior, I would call them the chaos or the inner workings of my own mind. Now, they are just lessons. I also normally would have test anxiety on paper, so why would lessons or tests be any different than reflections of our my own failures? However, I still have the choice of how I react to these inner failures. I mean lessons
I know I have grown immensely over the months. Though I know I am not still there. Wherever “there,” may be. These lessons become reality more often than not, but I still have a choice whether I see them as failures or as the lessons they are meant to be.
This shadow work I speak of often is such a less in itself. The lesson learned has changed. Before, it was about facing my faults and wrong doings. A place that made me feel, on top of the world because of what I had to do to get through these moments and my shortcomings. I was proud I had the balls to even make the necessary apologies or face all the negative I was omitting as a human. It was just a false security. I say that because I can talk about it and admit it out loud, but until actually facing the situation in life and not just as thoughts it is just words. It was just another trick of the mind.
I am not failing myself, is the difference. I am still placing blame where it belongs and owning where and when I am wrong. I am recognizing. I become familiar with the patterns.
The lesson is recognition. If you have the recognition, you have the ability to make a choice on how you handle your life during good or the bad times. Recognition is huge and you should be proud that you are able to look inside enough to realize you do not have to constantly live in a negative head space, especially when you think there is no hope. We all have difficult days. We will always have difficult days. Sometimes we need people to just ask how we are. Sometimes, we just need someone to listen without giving advice. Sometimes, we need drugs and alcohol to get through said times. Sometimes, we just need to be alone.
No one will be able to provide you with the right answers. They can offer a direction, but we as humans have free will and life by free will. Only you will know what is your right. That is the recognition in itself. So do me a favor, trust yourself. You do not have to trust anyone else, but you have no reason not to trust yourself. Your actions may have harmed someone else, but you did not break your own trust. Please recognize it is okay to not be okay.
Take the time to reward yourself. Most importantly, reward yourself for the little things. Reward yourself for who you are. Stop making excuses for yourself and recognize when are being shitty to yourself. Why talk down to yourself? What an asinine thing to do and just keeps you in the exact place you fight so hard every day to get out of. Rewarding yourself will bring a smile to your face when it seems impossible to be happy. I believe in you!
Today is today. Each hour is just that, an hour. Each second just a second. Yesterday is yesterday. The future is exactly that, but right now is what matters and what you can control. Right now is the moment to smile. It is a choice and you the recognition to yourself. Find your own song to make you feel like the badass that you are. Find your hype. You will find more than one song and the next thing you now you will have a playlist to bring that smile to your life. You have a hype list. Here is mine.
There is a beautiful calm to her She radiates the sunlight comparable to the reflection of her favorite flower A scary and intense beautiful calm this girl is My heart never able to steady just because of her smile This girl is dangerous but she is such a beautiful calm She is beautiful She is thoughtful She is her And she is my beautiful calm
I once again find myself taking a walk with the lyrics to a song that is driving the movement in my legs. The destination, being nature, that brings a calm to my soul. I sit near the lake’s edge and the tip of the pen, on the paper writing the words my heart and mind.
In the early morning hours, this place, sets the tone of my day. I return multiple times a day, in order to reconnect with myself when it feels smothered by every day life. It becomes a release from the anxieties of my crazed mind and the unease of human kind, in this world.
Lately, I have stopped sharing my light with you thinking, I do not need to continue once life is how it is supposed to be. Another lesson, or fault I’m realizing I need to be more disciplined about. The light has become non-existent to those that may need just the small amount I provide to continue to have hope. I stopped practicing. Just because my life is presenting, as so much good it should not mean my work does not need to continue.
The stigma with mental health is not necessarily seen as positive, but why? There are always opposite sides to the spectrum, in order for the other side to exist. Whether that is good or bad. We see it, as a struggle for one’s own sanity. However, we need sanity to have insanity. Life is about the balance of your own universe.
Life has been so good for me, as of yet. An aspect I preach on the daily because I stopped focusing on what I did not have and realized what I do have and the rest fell into place. My own new found balances contributing to my own happiness. The work that I had put into balancing my own scales. A feeling equal to a melody of a song sitting just right with the beat bringing a smile to your face. The song will eventually end and then it becomes a fight to hold onto the joy you just felt. The answer found within you, as the melody did in the song.
Therefore, in order to continue to have the joy, happiness, comfort and inner peace you can not just stop making your own melodies and expect for life to continue being as it should. I’m thankful for the recognition, so that my own light does not disappear as the sun goes down. I just have to take a different approach to the changes that happen, on the daily. Otherwise, there is the potential my own joy and happiness may once again leave, as quickly as it came in.
I no longer have to balance my life by fighting the demons of my own thoughts. Now, it is all about living with those demons, in conjunction with the joy and happiness. The balance between good and evil.
So, yes, if it takes going on the same walk multiple times a day hours after I just did, then that is what I have to do. Do not discount the power of your own choice to set your mood. If it takes sitting by the lake with nature recording every single thought I have to control my own inner tides then I have to do it without excuses. This allows me to ride the wave. The allows me to enjoy life. This is why life is so good.
I am just going to say when there is not necessarily chaos happening all around you, the motivation to put your thoughts on paper dissipates. Last time we spoke the universe was playing tricks, on my mind. Once again, I felt as if I was slipping back into the uncontrollable void we all have become familiar with. I did not sleep and had not been all week long, tossing and turning throughout the nights with no explanation.
The following day then happened. It started as usual. I went on my morning walk. I listened to my usual hype music, pumping myself up for the day, including posting my daily selfie. However, the week’s shenanigans were wearing on my mind. The thoughts were once again blocking my ability to allow the positivity to flow through me. I probably walked two miles before all of this nonsense subsided.
The more I thought about what was going on the less I was going to have the outcome I desired. I kept focusing on what I was not getting instead of what I could do about it. Hello! What do I preach on the daily? Here I was doing exactly what I know does not work. That is the key, to recognize. I was in control of my moods. I was in control of my attitude. I did not need any special tools to prove what I had already learned multiple times through multiple experiences.
I was able to at least find the positivity needed to go about my day. I was setting the intention for the rest of the day. The moment I did so, “the signs,” that were being shown to me all had answers. I am not going to front and say I was prepared because I was not! They were coming in quickly and there was a lot happening all at the same time. The difference is I was able to recognize what I was actually experiencing.
Now, here we are and just in a week it is like whatever had been happening during the past six months was preparing me for the “now.” Is that not the key word, now? It is not the past and it is not the future. It is the present moment giving you the answers you were once seeking, in the past. It is the present that provides the path for your future.
There really is not much more to say, other than recognize and stop fighting yourself. The only one to blame is you. Until you realize this you will continue to suffer. Just sayin’.
The block that I have had for months has been released. I am able to meditate again. I am calm. Life is good. The chaotic mess I call my thoughts has subsided. The paranoia now non-existent.
I live for balance. An equality, in the real world, that is almost impossible. I say that because even if two people can come to terms, there will always be a third party to come and stir the pot. This once again causes an imbalance within oneself. I mention this because recently, after some internal work my own thought patterns, actions and words were starting to once again become out of my own control. I was overthinking everything, nothing was feeling right, crazy and weird shit was happening (P.S. its me we are talking about there is always crazy and weird shit happening) that was sending me back down a rabbit hole I know how to control. My own thoughts playing devil’s advocate and becoming my own third party interference of my sub-conscious and conscious mind.
I have mentioned before I have the tools needed to cope, or to get me through every day life. The choice then becomes whether I use those tools or not. More often than not it is easier to not use the tools because that is comfortable. It is an excuse for me to not do what is right for myself. The key word here is, it is easy. It is not difficult to get caught up in the drama from societal pressures (third parties) that I more often forget to apply the skills and tools necessary that work best for me.
We all have feelings. We all have opinions. What we do not all possess is the ability to look at both feelings or opinions and approach life with an open mind. It is always one or the other, never working as one. The open mind being the balanced scale. I needed the gentle reminder, recently and as soon as I took the time to recognize what was actually happening and not some crazy vision of my imagination, the chaos subsided. I allowed things to just be.
This is just a friendly reminder. The more you practice the imbalances of life the further you become from your own inner peace. You are not practicing the good to make you feel good. You are practicing the negative, over and over again and expecting a positive result. It sounds asinine, right? Because it is. You are practicing what you do not want out of life then complain about it being your own devil’s advocate suffering through your own existence.
Try practicing and living an open-minded and balanced life. If you see something that provokes negativity within you on social media, for instance, you have a choice. You can respond to it practicing the negativity you do not want or you can just scroll by it until you are ready to approach the matter with a balanced approach. It doesn’t take away your opinions or feelings. It doesn’t take away any right you have to have said opinions and feelings. What it does is gives you an opportunity to bring inner peace to yourself without anyone else getting involved. Just you, as an individual. I just want to make it known I am not telling you what to do. Your challenge is to try just that, today. Be mindful. Be aware. It does not have to be every time, just a few times. Try to think about what energy you are putting out into the universe. Is it serving you for good or is it allowing you to play into our societal tendencies?
Practice the positive today, my friends because you are worth it and mostly because you deserve it. Let’s get real. Who is tired of suffering? Invite love into your life instead of hate even if it is for a day. You never know it may be that change you have been desperately searching for.
I am taking the unconventional approach to my awakening and my mental health. With the methods that I have chosen, not all are by my doing. These methods are tricky because I do feel that what I am really trying to say is often misunderstood. I am not responsible for how it is interpreted but I can attempt to explain. It is very humbling, in so many ways. Exposing my insecurities to be viewed and analyzed, as they are occurring is a whole different level of ballgame. It makes it extremely difficult to say, “Put me in coach I am ready to play.” Mostly, because I am exposing a vulnerability that has not been worked on or understood by my own mind. It is a necessary evil that still must occur for my own healing and without any other reason but me.
I am just starting out on this journey. I have spent countless hours a day getting to the point that I am at, as if it were my profession all along. I have spent these hours trying out different approaches not knowing if they will, in fact, give the clarity I am in search of. I do this right in front of you because I am doing it at the exact moment they are occurring. I do this knowing I could be exposing my negative traits to you with hopes of not failing. It would not be failing you, but my own self. In truth, it is not really failing, but as anyone knows that is what it is to your own ego. That is what having 100% honesty means and presenting yourself with 100% integrity means, as well. It is all about exposing those vulnerabilities, so the right work can be done for myself and not in a way that I may have done, in the past.
I know I make it seem easy, at times, but fuck that! There is not one aspect of this journey that has been easy. That is the point. I want to give up multiple times a day and just go back to what I know as comfortable. I do not give up because my growth is of utmost importance. I needed to change. I was not being the human I have meant to be all along. These changes needed to occur, and I have needed to do it alone to break the codependent behaviors that made dealing with the difficult aspects of life easier. I know the answers for me can only be found within myself.
What has been easy is choosing to be kind to all. It has been easy to tell someone they are appreciated because they are. It has been easy to be so grateful for so many of you because I am. It is easy because it is the simplest of answers that I can present to you. I do not pretend to know everything because I am so far that point but I will continue doing all that I am doing, regardless of how difficult it becomes.
The cat is out of the bag and what I have known to be my purpose all along, but only decided to pay attention to recently through my own journey. My purpose is working. My plan is much bigger than I have portrayed for multiple reasons. My intention was meant to be revealed, at a later time and further along my journey. However, my purpose is working, so therefore, this is what I am being driven to reveal to you all, at the present moment.
Many of you have reached out to me with the how and why’s of how I have been presenting myself, as of late. How are you remaining so positive? Why are you posting so many songs and why the selfies? I will now answer you to the best of my abilities. This is not from a past perspective and not from a future perspective, only right NOW.
When I started this blog and journal, I set the expectation that the words you would hear were that of my own journaling from my own struggles from mental health. That is how it started, yes, but I always have had a bigger plan. However, I could not reveal that plan to you, or it would not have had the same result because you would have expectations. If you have been closely following, you may have already seen some clues to what the plan may be. There was a major concern for me, in the beginning. I was afraid that those close to me may feel manipulated instead of hearing what I was saying. In the beginning, I talked about the societal conditioning I have been subject through my own life and experiences. I still have this fear, but I am not trying to trick or manipulate you in any way. You must understand, I have had to keep so much hidden, purposefully. Otherwise, my own purpose would not have come into play. I have been doing this through different fillers, in my writing, but also a lot has been shown to you through all my different social media accounts.
I am going to go back in time for a moment to allow you to grasp further understanding. I told you in my last blog post some truths that have brought me into my current situation, but not all. I mentioned I was at a point of ending my life when this all came into play. You see my realization was I, in fact, was stuck in a life cycle that has presented itself to me multiple times throughout my life. The difference is in the past I continued having the same bullshit happen to me because I continued to make the same choices and decisions in life without growth. This holds true from twenty years ago, ten years ago, or currently. What you are witnessing is my decision to do the complete opposite of what I normally would, and I made a choice. I chose to live within myself with trust. I chose to live, in general.
There is a shadow side to us all and my own shadow side needs to be heard to gain a deeper understanding. Just like with anything in life. There must be some sort of balance. Whether it is black or white, republican or democrat, straight or gay, love or hate, yin or yang, everything still must have balance. I need to premise this with what I am about to admit to you all has not ever necessarily ever been heard from this perspective. It will be descriptive. Here is your forewarning in advance.
A part of “The United States of Tara,” is the dark side. It is the Vader inside of me. I have not just recently decided I did not want to live. That aspect of me started around the age of 16. The thoughts started then. The cutting started back then and now remain permanently scarred on my thighs. The drugs and alcohol also started right about then. At this time, this particular cycle was conveniently shown to me, but still haunted me up until only months ago. I am already getting, in my head. I can tell because my message is simple, yet I am already three pages in, and I have not even made my point. I am taking this opportunity to get back on track.
What you may not know is that I have been mentally institutionalized at least three times, in my life. One time was of my own doing, but only once. The other two times were not by choice. I need to tell you; I have no idea when these times occurred. I have spent many years suppressing the pain, or so I thought that these details were gone. I can assure you the people involved have not forgotten. I can tell you it was some time after August 2007, after the military and before I moved to Fort Collins. The first true attempt to end my life ended with me puking up the charcoal after my stomach was being pumped and a bandage on my left wrist where I had slit it. A scar now covered by a tattoo of mine of the word LOVE in watercolor with a keyhole presenting itself in the middle of the word love. My first 72-hour hold preceded this event. The second hold would follow only two weeks later. Ironic, just writing these last few sentences just filled my memory blanks and the tears have begun to flow.
I was on a mission to end my life and nothing was going to stop this. I apologize for the following details in advance. It was around 11pm and I was alone in my ex’s apartment. Long story, but she was still doing what she could to do to support me the only way she literally had left in her. I had taken everything out of her, and I place no blame on her, whatsoever. It was time again. I had been put on a slue of antipsychotics at a ridiculous number of milligrams and a heavy anxiety medication. Naturally, from the previous two week’s events I would not be responsible with this medication. I wrote my suicide note, something I had never previously done because I was set on this working. I chose a song that could speak for me when I was too cowardly to say myself and put the song on repeat. For writing purposes, I currently am playing this song and I am placing it here for you to listen to.
Ashamed, of who I was and who I have been. I was struggling with not knowing anything and hurting so much that I would rather the world no longer have me in it. It is a really lonely place to exist in. It is not living. I was physically breathing, but I was ignoring any care I was receiving but I felt I had not other choice. I made a decision. I sat there for as long as the drugs would allow me to stay conscious and chased each individual pill with some type of alcohol. Logically, I would be drinking a Bud Light, but I am not positive it wasn’t a handle of vodka.
I woke up in the hospital with my daughter sitting on the bed with me and my grandparents staring back at me. Other than that, the 72-hour hold is all I know from there. I can not tell you much more. I never asked how long I was in the hospital. I know I was intubated, but the shame did not go away, therefore, I did not ask those I had hurt the details, selfishly. I never asked how this experience made them feel.
The ugly part has now been revealed and now we can continue in the present. You would think that would have been the ultimate wake up call, but in fact it was not and something that many of you did not even know I went through before I came into your life. The cycle continued. I would hit rock bottom multiple times after because I still was ignoring the lessons being presented to me. I still continued to put people I said ” I love you,” to in a trapped place. My narcissistic behavior destroying their souls with me blaming everyone else but myself. I never took responsibility for the pain I caused. I just continue to run away, playing victim and running from life’s traumas all because my own ego.
I portrayed myself, as the victim to anyone that would listen. Yet, really important people kept rescuing me out of these situations and never myself. The actual person responsible. I look at it now and how stupid I was to see the truth of all the pain and hurt I caused people just because of the shame and embarrassment of who I was. Of course, the cycle continued to repeat itself. I caused my own mental health. I caused my own misery and it continued because I just moved onto the next person leaving destruction in my wake.
Now here I am the opposite of the person I just described to you. Here are your answers for those willing to listen and asking for guidance. Here in the present year, 2020, and I was quarantined with the latest victim. This blog was not even supposed to start until tomorrow, but it began because I had no other choice. I was facing being homeless, jobless, car-less within a day knowing I was not going to ask for help taking the chance. The help I needed to ask for was not from a codependent aspect of behavior from someone else that I could manipulate. I needed to ask help from the one person responsible all along, MYSELF. I had to ask myself the how and why. Why did I not have goals or dreams? Why could I not see my potential? How does this keep happening to me? Why are you not progressing? How do you get out of rock bottom?
The answer is simple. I made a choice. I could continue going every day feeling sorry for myself and nothing changing, repeating a cycle or I could do something about it. The universe allotted a miracle and saved my life. It gave me the time to make the change I had to. I could no longer go on daily thinking of a location to off myself or disappear or all the ways to do so.
I took the miracle of quarantine and ran with it. I did the necessary shadow work. I invested in myself (i.e. buying my website domain.) I started writing from an extremely negative place. I paid for classes about blogging and writing a book. I started learning astrology. I studied Numerology. I taught myself Tarot and start watching daily readings for guidance. I got into meditation. I studied all aspects of spirituality. I needed to learn who Tara was, from every aspect that I could find, and I have not stopped. Think of it as a comparison masturbation, if you do not learn yourself how can you tell your partner what you like and enjoy. I delved deep into the darkness of how I got to this exact moment and still continue to have to work at it daily.
I was awakened by facing my own demons and dealing with the negative traits that made me who I am. I started reaching out to those individuals I had so incredibly wronged and admitted to them all the wrongs I had done, and I apologized. I did not ask for forgiveness as one in AA or NA may have. However, I did find my own forgiveness, in the process. I did this so these individuals could stop blaming themselves for my wrongs. I literally spent months doing this and righting all my wrongs. I had to repair my karmic wrong doings. This allowed me to have the will to want to live for myself.
Here we are and it is time to discuss the manipulation of you all. It really is not manipulation, at all. What happened during this period of my own self-discovery is that I realized I was starting to become awakened to who I truly am. (a.k.a I found my purpose) I have always wanted to make the world a better place and be influential. I needed to send my love and help everyone and any one I could, at the same time living in fear of who I really am. What happened was I was also going to do it in the right manner. I needed to tell my story hoping I would help just one person from suffering, as I had. I was going to do so in a way that was not conventional. Conventional did not work for me, in fact it forced me to not ask for more help. I know I am also not the only one afraid to reach out for the help and caused those of us just to retreat. There are a few of you that have absolutely saw this version of Tara, unconditionally. You are still here supporting me, but you too have not realized what I was doing.
For instance, if I have ever shared a song with you, I was sending you a message, or a lesson. I have not stopped either. If you know me more on a deeper level, than you know I know what you are feeling even before you recognize it in yourself. You are unable to lie to me when asked the question, “what’s wrong?” Others of you, now know. You also may know I am emotionally intelligent more than most, on a different level. I can say or write words and my feelings on a level that effects your soul, not just on the surface. Hence, if you have ever had a friendship or romantic relationship with me, I have impacted you deep within your heart and soul. This includes negatively impacted.
My plan all along has been to use these skills as a benefit for people that may not see an end to their own suffering. It is truthfully all about being 100 honest with yourself and everyone while acting with integrity. Good or bad, it does not matter.
I created new social media accounts and started writing my feelings and experiences with you without advice, to see if anything would be noticed. I did this with the intention of using social media and pop culture, as the influences they already are. This was the easy part because everyone is so caught up in the two that any changes go unnoticed. When I share a meme, it is not for me. When I share a song with you through Facebook stories, it is not for me. Surprise, it has been for you all along! My words proving exactly what I was experiencing. I needed the proof, otherwise, my influence would be for nothing. The songs begging you to listen to them to help you place yourself on a higher vibration because of the song. The beat alone raising positivity within you. The positivity and changing of my own mind set was the proof you all needed to see, as the proof because you were not seeing the message or lesson, otherwise. This includes my recent selfies and posting of my workouts. This all motivation for you all, people I care deeply about and what happens to.
Now that you know this, let us go deeper. If you have heard an apology from me now you know the reason. If I specifically requested you on my new social media profiles, that too was for a reason. If I asked you to like The Beekeeper, it was because I had something for each one of you and until recently, I was being ignored. If you have been told your beautiful, appreciated or that I am grateful for you, it is because it is the honest to god truth. It was also because I sensed you needed to hear it. None of us hear the positive impacts we have on each other enough. I sensed you may be struggling, as I was. I needed to tell you thank you for sticking through all of this with me. I needed to put out into the universe what I wanted in return. There are many of you watch me from an outside perspective and did not know how to help other than showing your support even though I may also have caused you pain or hurt. In turn, I have helped myself, absolutely. I will not discount all the hard work I have put in, but it is for all of us. The greater good, in a time that it seems that all humanity no longer knows how to behave.
We are in a time of desperation. An opportunity has been presented to us all that you most likely will not be able to experience in your lifetime, again. Are you taking the necessary steps for yourself? Are you like most caught up in all the negativity desperately searching for the answers within your own self? You are allowed to have emotions and feelings. You are allowed to have your beliefs. What you do have is a choice to continuously focus on your current beliefs without vision that those beliefs can change. When you do not approach life with openness then you are choosing to live in a lower vibration and suffering. You will not change someone else’s beliefs, but you can be responsible with your own opinions. You can choose how you want to influence each other every day. It is not by living in the past. It is not by living in the future. It is about living in the present moment. You have an opportunity every day to chose how you want to take on the world. We all have different purposes so we can learn from each other, but it is not to debate or belittle each other while doing so.
With this all being said, in my opinion, in order for my purpose to work I knew you all needed to know someone personally for it to have any effect on you, otherwise the message once again would be overlooked. Call me your personal life guide without the title. I am not trying to change who you are, but help you see an outside perspective into your own life and how I see you. So please, if you see I have taken the time to make a blog post from www.honeybeeandthebeekeeper.com, take the time to see if there is a lesson you may be able to apply to your own life. If I share a song, take the time to listen to it whether its your style of music or not, there may be a message presenting itself. Dance to the melody and forget what it really happening in life. You needed proof from someone close to you that changing to a positive mindset, is not just some New Age bullshit forcing you to have to live life a certain way. Changing to a positive mindset can actually be the choice between life or death. I have shown you this. Some of you may see this as courage from me, where as I am just living out my dreams empowering those who I care about.
Thank you for all of your continued support. Are you ready to ride the wave with me? I am living proof that douche bags can in fact change if they are willing to. It is not impossible. Difficult, but not impossible. Once you start even just listening to your favorite hype song in the morning, it starts to get easier and easier, just like with anything. Practice makes you your best. Just remember this, it is not a race. There is no timeframe of when life can begin for you. It begins when you want it to. This is just the beginning for us!
If you have been following along, you may have learned, “Life is crazy!” Let us rewind a moment. Five months ago, you heard me say, “I’m crazy!” Somewhere in-between, it became, “My life is crazy” and now in the present moment, “Life is crazy!” I sit here writing to you thinking how grateful I am for the progression, in my own life. Up until this point, I have kept most details, into my soul, hidden from you all.
What I have hidden from you are the details behind the how’s and why’s of how I got to the mental state I have been projecting and where I have grown. You will still not get the full picture because frankly there are aspects to my life that are none of your business to put it lightly. If that statement is offensive you may be the exact reason, I keep things secret. I have always written my feelings down, not necessarily in a therapeutic journaling form, as I should. Mostly, I wrote my feeling through poetry or through music. I have shown you a small portion of these aspects through small glimpses that past few months. In high school, it was through the school newspaper or through fictious stories in creative writing class, secretly revealing my wants and desires needed in my life, at the time. I take a previous statement back, I did do some journaling, in high school. It was with my best friend, who at the time was my first girlfriend, unknown to you. We passed our feelings back and forth through many notebooks for an entire year. Again, those details are not important, here. What is important is the present moment. A moment you are experiencing through my dream of writing. I have been thankful for the opportunities that being in quarantine has personally brought to my life.
I could go back to December 2019, when I randomly bought everyone in my family a mask, as if I had some pre-conceived notion they would be needed in the future. I already had been starting to become aware of what was personally happening, in my own life. I chalked it up to my own mental health struggles with Bi-Polar depression amongst a slew of other western medicine’s finest diagnosis’s. I was thinking to myself, “Here we fucking go again. Here comes the thoughts of no longer wanting to take anymore breaths. I am ready to give up. I do not care anymore. I have no purpose. My life is nothing what I want. I do not want to live anymore.”
Now you know my mental health and thoughts if you did not before. My life struggles. There have been those that have been aware of this, but only because I gave what little trust, I did have in people to open- up on rare occasions. I do not like being a burden or asking anyone for help. This is not determined by situations. It has been always. I am so prideful and am always willing to help anyone or everyone, at the same time. However, I would never allow it for myself. It was important to me to portray that everything was okay on the outside. I do not want the questions, or what I thought was the “fake,” care that felt was being received. However, without this pride I would never have gotten to the present moment.
January 29th is the day my present life changed. Pushing through all the signs and experiences that were being shown to me. I made a decision. I was going to take control of my life that until recently had no idea how bad it had really gotten for me, mentally. Mind you, I did not wake up and just like that made this decision. It was a long time coming.
The morning of the 29th, I asked for a divorce from a person that I will always have love for and will always carry some type of relationship with. However, we were our own poisons to each other slowly killing us over the years. If you know me, love is everything to me. I base my wants, needs and desires all on love. I live to love and to give my love everywhere that will take it. You may also know this was not my first marriage and it would be my second divorce before 40. Ugh, so of course, what I believed to be my own failures in love were directed, internally. All I could think was here I go again jeopardizing, my own happiness, and my chance at love.
However, this decision was important. At 5:30am on the 29th, I asked for the divorce. At the time, I had no idea that was not going to be the only life changing experience I was to have this day. Up until this moment, the only reason this is not known was out of pure embarrassment I had in myself. I still had to work after asking for the divorce that morning, so I got on the train and commuted the 2 hours to my job. This was not just any job. This was a position I had spent the past 15 years, in misery, doing self-damaging call center work, so I would be ready for this position. I was running/ creating the department and then some. At least, after the morning, I had I still had this job to get me through the progression of the life I wanted to live. WRONG!!!!
I was a mess that morning but was asked to lead the morning meditation for the team. I thought to myself, “oh man this is so needed right now.” The meditation was complete, and I was called into my boss’s office. Details are not needed, in this case, but just know, I was let go from my position, at this time only hours after asking for a divorce. WTF LIFE!!!!! All I could think of was this is amazing. I now get to go home to the woman just hours before asked for a divorce from and tell her, “By the way, guess what else?”
I did what everyone else would. I lost my damn mind and cut everyone out and crawled into my crab shell for protection because I had nothing left to give. I had no intention of ever coming out. I threw all my responsibilities out the door. I blamed everyone else, but the person who was responsible, which was myself. You would think this moment was the perfect moment for me to change. Except, I had not learned all the lessons I needed to before I would eventually take said responsibility for what was happening, in my own life. I still was not ready to grow up. I spent the next month leaving that responsibility on everyone else. What an irresponsible and gross adult I have been.
Enter February 2020 and the start of the blog you are currently reading. This did not begin until the end of February and the beginning of March, for a reason. In my period of fuck-it moments, I took a trip. I took a trip, instead of leaving my current situation because I thought I was helping and getting everything situated with my marriage. I felt like it was owed to her. Before I say anything else, think of the timeframe. You can only guess what happened next. I remember thinking specifically seeing people with masks at the airport, but not much was known, at this point, but I was not taking it seriously. It did not take long before I realized the severity. It only took three days of being home.
Quarantine had yet to occur, but I had enough sense and intelligence to quarantine myself from the rest of the world. I really did not have a choice. Within three days, I could not breathe. I had a fever that kept me bed-ridden and the lack of an ability to move and a cough that was the worst cough I had ever experienced before. These are all symptoms you all are familiar with, but it did not stop there. I finally got rid of the cough after two weeks to be followed by a week of vomiting and stomach cramping that I had never experienced before. These symptoms were not even being made aware until months later, but also a part of COVID-19.
The rest of the country went into quarantine at about the time I finally started feeling better. I just want to put something into perspective for you. I just was extremely sick for the past 3 weeks, while living with the woman I just asked for a divorce from. I had no income and the country just shut down. So naturally, what else would I do during this time then to follow my dreams and here we are. This time became an opportunity. It become my growth. I did not have a choice. I just had COVID-19, was going through a divorce, loss of job. I felt I had no other choice but to better myself, so I started this blog all the while of going through a spiritual awakening. What a hell of an awakening, right?
Not one aspect, of my present experiences have been easy, to say the least. I still struggle daily, but I also I can recognize how far I have come. I can appreciate, all of this without shame any longer. I am no longer embarrassed to ask for the help or inform you more about me, as a person. You all can experience this with me, and it has helped me in more ways than you will ever know. I no longer care of when it happened, in my life, the fact is it is happening.
Now, for my last point. I blame my poor mental health, smoking, eating habits and the individuals I have kept in my life, up to this point, as to why I contracted COVID-19. I want you to realize that you are not above this pandemic. I do not care if you have not had personal experiences with it to have the proof because the death toll is your proof. The fact is the pandemic is real, whether you believe it or not. The events I went through during this time allowed me to have some crazy amount of strength I had no idea existed within me to fight through all of this. Others have not been so lucky. Please stop being ignorant to the fact that this is some type of governmental political statement. Yes, I HAD it, but I still wear a mask to protect you ungrateful asses. Be happy you have not had the experiences. Yes, I wear a mask for 8 hours a day at work. Yes, it is inconvenient, but it is not for me. It is for you. I still put myself above you. It is for those that do not have the strength I was lucky to find.
You are about to be really angry when we get put in lockdown again because you could not just stop for a moment to think of someone else besides yourself. It is going to happen again because you did not want to listen to the thousands of warnings the first time all because you think your own rights are being violated because you are being told to do so. The government tells you must have a driver’s license to legally drive, which violates your choice, but no one complains then even though that to is or the greater good of all and not yourself. I have never been so sick, in my life, forgive me that I do not want any of you to have this experience. I was so incredibly lucky!!!
Please stop living a life by chance like it would not happen to you and take responsibility because we are all in this together. This is the exact moment and change everyone has been asking for. It has been an incredible opportunity that so many of you are wasting and will never have again, in your lifetime. Stop complaining and come with solutions. Take the moment to better yourself, if anything instead of living the patterns you are complaining about. Wear the fucking mask and put others before you. It is time to live by the Golden Rule. Please take the opportunity to show growth, as a human. It is all about the change we can all be and to show the love to each other we all deserve.
Regardless, I still love all of you, unconditionally. I am still here for each and every one of you, despite difference of opinion. If you are suffering, reach out. We ALL deserve to live and breathe and most importantly to be loved.