It’s all about listening. It’s all about finding the lion within yourself, in order to face the ram.
Hopefully, this resonates. Alone isn’t always about sitting in silence.
Thinking of you.
It’s all about listening. It’s all about finding the lion within yourself, in order to face the ram.
Hopefully, this resonates. Alone isn’t always about sitting in silence.
Thinking of you.
After not being able to finish this meditation, yesterday, I needed to look into the why’s, at a time it was someone else’s timeline. I needed to look into the why’s as to the energy I was receiving. I realized that my own negative quality of overthinking was still making an appearance.I have been too focused on the focus, when then did not allow the realization necessary to block out all the unnecessary energies smothering my sub-conscious.
When I redirected my focus, the crawling sensation dissipating into non-existence. The “bee,” disappearing, as if it was to control the overthinking of my own conscious’s interference. It is so easy to get caught up in the familiar. I did not need to control this. I do not want the distractions and restrictions.
I am writing with a clean mind, allowing for my subconscious to no longer be a landfill of negativity preventing truth. In other words, I ejected the scratched CD and replaced it with my own vibrational mp3 bringing a sense of accomplishment.
I stare at the sloppiness of my writing, knowing I am not the one providing this wisdom to your eyes. However, I will be the one to write it. I will be the one feeling it and you will be the one hearing it.
Appreciating the beauty of truth this evening.
I was unable to finish. The strong tingling burn became too much. The feeling of tiny legs crawling on my neck and face became too much. I will keep it short. The creepy crawly bug/bee sensation has to stop during this mediation. It doesn’t happen any other time. I also don’t know if my Neuropathy caused the end to this or if the energy became too strong.
It’s rare you find a lyric you love in the 3rd verse and spat out by the unknown. I appreciate it. I wasn’t going to write to you today. I mean obviously, I did previously, but not just my usual what’s going hey, every day crazy portrayed through my words. I have been focusing on a daily meditation entry post, as well as submitting a different story, until I have written seven.
I was feeling super tired today between watching my self improvement videos, typing up multiple post, as well as, purchasing my domain to start making moves. This felt fucking great! Another check off my bucket list of intentions. It is becoming harder and harder to deny the power of mindfulness and positive daily affirmations. Omitting a sense of being on top of the world. I have improved myself today and I can not help to feel a sense of accomplishment. Accomplishments need to be written down, otherwise, lifetimes later when you need to remember an accomplishment to write a story for an assignment that you may your struggle not be so damn difficult.
I have been linking or talking about the Aaron Doughty YouTube videos I have been feverishly consuming. I choose not to ignore that is who I am vibing with, at the moment and the need to change that is absent. I am feeling good mentally just tired and decided enough of the “work,” I have done today. It is exhausting. I also have been talking about a shift in the universe that we are currently experiencing. Naturally, I would soon turn to Astrology for a new perspective.
I decided upon a Tarot reading for the end of March for Cancers. No surprises, any further. I knew back in December that my own universe was changing for a lack of a better phrase. You do now how I love my cliches. Things started becoming obvious to me. I hate saying the word “signs,” but that is exactly what they were. Prior to this moment, I would have ignored everything that had been presenting itself to me. I would still be stuck in the same cycle that becomes a staple reference.
There is not a need for me to share the video this time. Even though, I keep telling you how real I am trying to be with myself. This is exactly it. It is my own personal viewing. The reason I even mention this because like myself, most of you have more time on your hands, lately. Take a moment and do a good ole college try at doing a daily, weekly or monthly Tarot reading on Youtube and search your Astrological sign. You may find some unexpected peace or an unexpected answer. Science. Facts. Proof. The stars are also giving you tools. Even if for pure entertainment purposes, Google search it. You spend more time hitting the middle predictive text to find your glamour shot than you would this. Maybe you extroverts will have a new found hobby or interest during a time of solitude.
Happy searching! Be Kind and I appreciate you!
I cause so much of my own anxieties. Did I say that right? Did I make sense? Was that the right thing to say? What if I stutter? What if i stumble over my words? What are they looking at? Am I giving enough eye contact? Do I have something in my teeth? How does my breath smell? What you just witnessed was my thought process during a one minute conversation with another human.
I have been in desperate to need to gain focus and to be able to be more present with just simple basic human interaction. If I continue to try to pull from my traumatized memory I will never complete this exercise. Technically, this is not even a story based off a successful accomplishment where I had fun, but there are no rules. My thoughts and writings are a story. My Story…. So I am pulling the memories from my current bank of thought where I have come to find more value in myself.
No one just chooses to just focus on being focused. It then becomes an oxymoron. One can not just simply focus solely on focusing on focus because one would then lose focus. That’s hilarious! Yes, I’m laughing at myself. So I had to approach learning to focus better with caution.
Environment controls so much of your focus, as does your current mood. In order for me to be able to narrow 10 thoughts down to a couple I had to learn mindfulness. I am practicing this because I downloaded Headspace. I can not and will not stop talking up Headspace. Go get it! I spent 10 minutes every day, repeating, if necessary, the basics of mindfulness. Breathe and feelings, breathe and feelings, breath and feelings…
With this I set the intention to just start focusing on reality and what was physically there. If I left it up to my mind, we would be going through the same 360 degree rabbit hole and I would be nowhere close to where I am going.
I don’t really need to discuss the outcome, in this situation. If you have been reading my blog then you have already been given the facts. I have given you the proof that my focused has increased. I have been living more in the present than in the past. My writing to you every day is an example. Go read my first blogs then bring your focus back to my more recent posts. Have my thoughts began to make sense? Are my points more valid? Are you following my meditation entries? Most importantly, have you noticed the difference in my mental health? I have and that is all that matters, in the end. This was my win for the day! 😀
P.S. I took this while in the middle of typing this post. I was listening to one of Aaron Doughty’s YouTube videos and the link above was the result of that quiz.
The fact that I can’t adjust that size, of that playlist, is really irrelevant to what I am writing today, but it is an annoyance I am feeling, at the moment.
I’m pausing before I write to you. I don’t know why. I was hoping it would reveal itself, a we write further, the reason I mean. It never did, but that is okay. I am paying attention to how my mind feels after this meditation. It is comparable to the grogginess after taking some type of pain killer and trying to stay awake. It exists only within the soft tissue of my brain. I pause to roll some therapy to ease my mind
I had an unintentional warm up to my meditation, today. I still did my 10 minute warm up, but “something,” occurred prior. A driver, intuition, a shift, by my playlist was on random. I have a few different playlists I use for the times I feel smothered and am unable to breath. One cleanses the chakras and the other consists of Green and White Tara Mantras, essentially. I am over-explaining, per usual. You understood the first time I had said it.
“Green Tara Mantra,” came on. Until I just made that hyperlink just now I did not realize who was performing this particular song. You will need to click the link to see what I am referring to. Also, let’s me know you are reading this 😉
I knew I was supposed to meditate, at this exact moment.
I can only assume it is because I set the intention, in Story #2, yesterday. That intention is that I should release these crazy words you are reading, on a schedule. Who makes thoughts come on a schedule? I can not, well at least I thought I was unable to.
I felt the frequency of Green Tara Mantra. I immediately took a deep breath. I paused my game of life and turned Headspace on to do my 10 minute warm up.
The only way to describe what i was feeling, is this. I had a feeling in my frontal lobe. The frequency vibrated on with the chanting heard in the background. If you ever have had migraines or tension headaches you will know what I referring to next. The feeling of your brain swelling against your skull and only increasing, at the same speed of the breath you pushed into a balloon you are trying to fill. The feeling of fullness. No more remaining space can be filled. Will your skull break under the pressure? Or will your brain “POP!!!, ” like said balloon if you blew too hard. Clearly, I was driven to meditate.
Imagine my disappointment to find that other than the song that kick started my feeling, on a mission to meditate, nothing stood out in the twenty one day meditation. No crazy. No images. No focus to my conscious mind.
Today is about positive, so what I was thankful for during this experience was it is getting easier in life and the weight on my shoulders lighter. The calm is staying without force. I am able to STOP and think without coming up with fifty different scenarios due to my overthinking and 49 problems ain’t one. “Enjoyment,” that is one word I would use, if asked. I appreciate this. It means there is less negative driving my only existence. It is uncomfortable, but I am trying.
In closing, I write those last two words and the the page rips out of my journal. Obviously, that wasn’t what I was going to say. (Sign?) As I was meditating I got two different sensations. This may be the reason I felt the lack of focus. I got the same sensations, as if the bee, once again, landed on me buzzing to my vibration. However, its only thirty seven degrees outside. The morning dawned with a dense fog, much like my brain experienced prior. It will rain and snow once again closing us inside for a day then returning to the sunshine that gives strength, in these times. I was not able to meditate outside.
So then why did the bee land on me once again……
I spoke of this yesterday and it really is not fair to use this story, as one of my fun loving accomplishments, but how can I not? Though cheating, it is also a part of the person i have lost over the years. She is there. I see her. I am just trying to alter the reflection I currently see.
So here I am, writing the blog for you to read, while I just trying to “get it together,” for myself.I hope you are able to find some type of comfort. I hope for you to be able to relate to. I hope it drives you to see something, in yourself. I hopes it assists you with making the best choices. I hope you find a new found love for yourself through me.
In order for me to be able to present myself through this blog, I had to do a few different things. I had to stop procrastinating. I had to give a fuck. I had to face my fear, something that prevented this exact aspect from happening years ago. I had to stop feeling ashamed of who I am and my actions. I had to stop being self-conscious. I talk, as if all my own internal issues have passed. The truth is I still procrastinate daily. My posts do not have a set time they are posted. Probably should. Obviously, I found drive to write the blog or you would not be reading my words at this exact moment. The FEAR, I am just going to laugh and run away from that word. I, in fact, have not come to grips with who I have been or accepted many of my actions or decisions, but I am trying. Until I have, I will still struggle and hold my head lower the it deserves to be. Self-consciousness, I spoke of a different form of this in my last post, but you still do not see me posting daily selfies. I have never been a fan, but I am working on it and that is all I am able to do.
I am not aware, of the moment or what I was feeling when I went to wordpress.com. I remember what was driving me. ME. I signed up for the free account and just started typing. it is so easy to get a head of your own thoughts, in just one sentence. I had to have something to write. I have had the same intention with this blog since it was just an idea until the present. I needed a reason to want to live my life again. This occurring even before the rest of you were forced to become my equal. So I opened my journal.
Before I typed “The Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries,” I obviously opened my journal. I did not change a single word from my journal entry and I have not since. This story is because I am doing a workbook exercise to find my strengths, in myself. My meditation posts are my meditation journal entries. My poems, poems based I’ve just written based on a feeling. Finally, any other posts you are reading are my own personal journal entries.
In order for me to cope with the anxiety, depression, OCD, Bipolar episodes, the manic episodes, my traumas and my own trials and tribulations of my own life decisions. I had to do the following. I needed to be 100% real with my self. I needed to be 100% real with you. I needed to be completely honest and act with fullest integrity. I was struggling. I was in a very bad place. my own self and insecurities ruling every move I make. You just read my drive. so I posted my first blog post. After this I created a social media following and now you are seeing the current result.
This accomplishment is different, in a sense. It is different because there is not an outcome. We are living in the present. My diagnosis do not go away. My trials, traumas an bad decisions do not get to be forgotten. However, I can control how I choose to deal with them. I choose to write to you daily. I choose to write to me daily. I choose to breathe. This is only the beginning…..
I appreciate each and every one of you for spending your time listening to me.
It is a completely unfamiliar feeling I am having right now. My physical self is very clear headed and my brain relaxed. When I say relaxed I mean it is a similar feeling to waking up on a winter’s day, in the mountains and taking that first breath at 7 am, grounding. There is nothing like breathing in the clean mountain air.
I’m assuming I am uncomfortable because there is not the usual chaos I speak so frequently of. I am constantly being told to relax and never really knowing the ease of relaxation.
This meditation did not bring the misunderstanding and confusion of yesterday’s sub conscious trip. I was very much in my own conscious today the entire time. As I write this, I already feel my brow furrowing and my every day routine of constant emotional stress and the fluctuation of my thoughts presenting themselves.
These are the moments mindfulness teaches you to recognize and to return to a place of supreme energy. As I write this, I recognize how I am writing. The detail. The wording. Is this me being my true self? I am still fighting against what is happening. Breathe.
The energy stayed the entire thirty minutes. I am wondering if my actual physical environment is effecting my subconscious experience because I was not able to use the sun to assist with grounding this overthinking chaos known as me. I am unsure of the results, but I am mindful. I came out cleansed. My conscious came out clean and my sub conscious seems more confused.
I was unable to blank out my thoughts of my real people out during this time. My attention diverted frequently, but the feeling of the energy stayed. I’m feeling like my sub conscious. I am still resisting. I am still aware of what is clear but I am still fighting. Why? I came out being more present , in my actual life and the right aspect of that life actually in control.
My lesson, in order to stop getting, in my own way, I need to trust myself and do the opposite of comfortable. When you are calm, you are clear. Stop creating the chaos and do not bring the attention to the negative because I actually know what I am doing for myself. Your own internal truths are guiding you. You are being guided to act and be exactly who you have always known yourself to be. I found a different self-love today and for that I am thankful. I am also thankful that was able to see in myself an aspect I preach on the daily and never follow to many of you. These are my wins.
I started reading “What Color Is Your Parachute 2020 edition by Richard N. Bolles. If you are not familiar with this book, its one of the All-time 100 Best Non-Fiction Books. It is released with a new edition every year. It is geared towards job-hunters and career changers. However, it also has other purposes and the reason for my reading it. You will get the gist after reading the following quoted reasons by the author:
” If you are trying to understand yourself better and what you have to offer the world.”
“If you are trying to understand how the world, and particularly the world of work, really works these days.”
“If you’re going to college and can’t decide what you want to major in.”
The book is accompanied by workshops/workbook exercises to help with these decisions and choices. This workshop I will need to have written seven of these short stories. These stories have to include a goal and what wanted accomplished, a hurdle you faced, description, step by step of what was done, description of the outcome and a measurable or quantifiable statement about the outcome. The subject matter: a task you accomplished or so I thought. I started the book, at the end of January or beginning of February and I have touched it since. The reason. Fear.
My senior year, I ended up working two jobs. I am a summer baby, so I was a little younger than others, in my graduating class. I didn’t turn 18 until the summer of ’99. i was living with my grandparents up until then. There is more to the story, other than, buying a car at 18, but it is irrelevant to what you are reading. I was working two jobs and not paying rent. Naturally, this would lead me into the decision to buy a car the day I turned 18. If I did this, it would be proof I was ready to adult. This is not a normal thing for a recently turned 18 year old, so naturally I didn’t have any credit. An obstacle, I didn’t think of because just hours ago I was only 17. I wouldn’t know this until enduring the grueling process of buying a car.
I woke up that July morning and while looking at the newspaper ads, I made the decision to drive to the dealership. I knew I wanted a Ford because I didn’t know any better and the Hines family didn’t drive anything but. My great-grandmother worked for Burt Chevrolet on Broadway for a really long time. That was the only dealership I knew. So, I drove to the Burt Ford dealership on Broadway. An 18 year old kid, trying to be a woman going to purchase a car. Another lesson I would not learn until after arriving. I made it to the dealership.
The next step, as you know was to find a car to make said purchase. I don’t remember many details. I don’t remember what the salesman looked like. I do know I settled on a ’99 Mercury Tracer. Onto financing, wait what is that?
Again, this naive little girl must of thought she was hot shit! I walked in there, no down payment, turned 18 that day, with just a job or two. I was going to drive off the lot that day with a car. Thank god, lessons like this are learned quickly! Well, kind of. I have six more of these stories to write, so out of character I’m going to cut my words short while using some cheesy cliche passed off as my own. I am testing if you are still reading this or if you stopped after the highlighted first paragraph seen from your notifications on your phone or email.
After about 4 hours, with help of my father and a lesson what a co-signer is I did drive off that lot with that car. Though frustrated I did not do it completely on my own, I was able to start building my credit, early. I made this decision the day I turned 18, which allowed me to be responsible enough to not go down the rabbit hole of credit cards until much later in life. It was because of this lesson I was able to accomplish this task.
In conclusion, not until after I wrote this story then did I realize I was supposed to write about a task I accomplished and had fun while doing this task. At least I had fun writing the story, right!? 😀 Progress. I also got my next story line for Story #2. I only have five more to go after this. I waited a month and a half to give you this Pulitzer winner.
It really is silly for me to procrastinate out of fear. Especially, when it comes to such meaningless tasks. I am starting to notice a difference, in myself. A growth or progression. Instead of just knocking out this story, I in turn, started this blog, which if you have ever written a blog is far more difficult than writing a short story. I had a job when I purchased this book. I wasn’t looking to change jobs. I was looking to become a better leader and current job development, at said job. I lost that job shortly after and now look what I am doing.