Darkest Before the Dawn

It’s always the darkest before the dawn. https://soundcloud.com/tara-hines/come-back-home-petey-martin-lauren-daigle-remix

It’s Always the Darkest Before the Dawn

It’s always the darkest before the dawn. How fitting. For a little over a year now, I have been sitting, in a period of my darkest struggles.

I began this journey with an instinctual feeling of needing major change, to my life. Knowing, I had spent a lifetime, figuratively speaking, knowing I had not yet lived. An, opinion only of my own.

I lived a pessimistic mindset, in my past. A mindset that controlled my decisions. I had felt I had deserved all the traumas, I have experienced and don’t talk about. A balancing of karmas, so to speak. Little did I know how true that sentence, actually was. How much power it carried.

In the past, it was me sarcastically explaining the negative experiences, I had endured. Laughing them off, and not healing them. A behavior I use, as a coping mechanism, for the awkward moments, in life. The moments when I feel most uncomfortable. When I am completely exposed. The moments of being vulnerable.

Going back to the past year and a half-ish, I mean, I have been stuck or stagnant. I was blocked. I had a tremendous amounts of experiences than I ever felt I could handle. It happened so quickly. You know, those vulnerable moments I was explaining? The majority “not so fucking great!” However, it is the perspective of my pessimistic ego.

The minority, is from my perspective, of NOW, in the present moment. From the present moment, I have the most abundance I have ever had, in my entire life. I have thrived beyond measures, mentally and emotionally. Because of one choice, one decision, and one blink of the eye.

I chose to trust, all that was presented. Those lessons, I referred to last post. A change to perspective. The major change I felt I needed for years. It really is that simple, but this is my journey. Yes, you have the same choice, but your journey and experiences will be different.

I would do it, over and over again, if it meant to once again feel internal peace. My soul remembered. To feel what I do, right now, I would do it over and over again. All of the lessons were the abundance I am receiving. I have gratitude, for the bee. I found the dawn after the dark because “it’s always the darkest before the dawn.”

—> Previous Post <—

Say Something

I have an insecurity that haunts me. That is having direct conversation with people and having to speak. The space can change, but the result stays the same. Face time, direct conversation, on the phone, web conferencing all different settings, my insecurity remaining.

When it comes to my distaste for talking, on the phone, for many years, I could blame on self -torture of picking career choices that involve speaking, on a phone all day for years. Therefore, the last thing I ever want to do is talk on the phone more. You become bitter easily, after countless years of the emotional abuse directed AT you from com complete strangers. I must be crazy. Giving your own PTSD, if you do have a personal phone conversation. I can count the years, but I am unable to count the many times when I could use the bathroom was controlled, by a phone status. Ironically, my speech impediments don’t appear, over the phone.

I always have wondered if I sometimes spoke in such a way that was confusing to most. Maybe, I am odd. I also know that my thoughts come much quicker than I can speak. I struggle with “S” words. I know I mumble and my voice being lower. Believe it or not, I was unaware I had a lisp until it was pointed out to me a few years ago. I don’t know if I should be thanking those for not point it out until then.

Face Time and web conferencing go hand and hand, with direct conversation for me and what my irrational mind thinks is torture. I only Face Timed for the first time, this year. I can’t read you, if I can’t feel you. The moment someone looks at me, I want to retreat. It is so uncomfortable. I am caught in my cycle what people are looking at when they are speaking to me. A drill sergeant, in my face, would paralyze me. Its purpose working. Any direct conversation, heightening my insecurities of even talking, at all. Something taking over and telling me I was not cut out for streaming.

Maybe, it is in my head. Maybe, it is my partner, Mary Jane. Just like I was saying, a phrase can change to a verb the moment it has a negative connotation. Maybe I am just afraid to speak and would rather say it on paper. You can’t hear a lisp through reading. You don’t read a stutter or mumble. You can’t hear me hide.

However, you will have my full eye contact, attention and a dash of confidence, if I trust you. Have you looked into my eyes? Have you seen me confident when speaking to me? Few can say this. Maybe, I’m only meant to understand and to everyone else I’m just out there.

Still

Sunday mornings for me have always been that day to meditate over music and coffee. These days, given the certain state of 2020, I more frequently am able to have more of these days, but the do not bare the same effect, as Sundays.

I lie wide awake before the sun has rotated enough to shine light, on the morning. I am mostly lost, in the abyss, of the assembly line of thoughts being produced by the conscious mind.

These are the moments I am usually telling myself to put this shit down on paper and ignoring the request, just as quickly. This Sunday is different because I’m lost, in my IMAGINATION.

The lyrics are meant to be heard

in these moments of silence

Bringing the sense of comfort

long overdue

I am listening this time

not interrupting

I hear the feeling

not through my ears

The pen hitting the paper

giving advice

My mind clear and open

without the worry

The bee keeper feeling the vibration of the bee

The silence golden

Imagination

What does one really mean by the phrase, “letting go?” Is it choosing to no longer care about something? Is it no longer bringing attention to it? Is it choosing to forget? Is it choosing to disappear from? Is it just releasing something?

If you start thinking about it then it no longer becomes recognizable as a phrase. It becomes a verb. I’ve made it relatable, why wouldn’t you? I will tell you why, its because of our fucking memories and experiences. It brings on the thoughts of recognition. It no longer allowing you to let go because you thought about it. Making the phrase “letting go,” never real in the first place.

PATTERNS

Patterns

At least I am able to have another excuse to start a new. We are in a new month. A new retrograde. I get my full moon on the 7th.

In truth, there are no more excuses. I should have been posting, regardless of how I have been feeling That in itself, the repeating pattern I’ve come so accustomed to.

It frustrates me. Another reassurance my own mind is the problem. I’m creating. This crazy pattern that causes the extra anxiety. The pattern that controls ” the thoughts that never end. Yes, they come on and on, my friends. Some people started seeing them, not knowing what was wrong with me. They’ll continue to see the crazy because…..

” …………..”

Happy May Day! Go enjoy some flowers with the bees.

Raw

The Universe

If I was writing this traditionally, then you may say over the past few weeks I have had writer’s block. I attempted to explain, in a post last week. My journey recently has taken me on a different path. I used the metaphor of a tree branch. It is not expected for anyone to understand, but myself.

I am not a traditional writer. I am not a traditional blogger. Therefore, I would not experience the traditional writer’s block. When you are reading my words you are reading my journal entries. You are reading an experience of feelings that I may be dealing with. You are reading my emotions. Therefore, in order for me to have those words for you to read I have to have feelings and emotions driving me to make a journal entry.

For some, you may be reading this for entertainment purposes only, but my intentions are far from. I write to heal, using skills and actions I am learning along the way. I am on my crusade to find my tree branch I am to grow with or the path I am meant to travel. You are not meant to understand, but a hope for you to find your own relation to your own life, experiences, feelings and emotions. I have not written in 17 days because, somewhere in between, my own feelings became lost into my own subconscious. My own journey. I could use a negative description and say I am having an emotion block, but it is not negative. It is another lesson. My own soul requiring further research.

In no way, does that mean, I have not been writing. In no way, has my drive lessened. In no way, have I not been creating. It just means that my current path for myself is just on the opposite of the tree to your view. There will be a medium for us both, but I have not quite found it yet, but I am trying.

The only explanation that may resonate is if you have ever been a new anti-depressant. You are in the period of the first 30 days having to fight the side effects as they arise. What usually happens with these medications, when the enzymes start attaching to the receptors of the brain your subconscious starts having an internal battle with your conscious mind. When this occurs, the only normal you find is the automatic functions of the brain. Everything else, GONE! You have no feelings. You have no emotions. There isn’t a desire for anything. You are mush. Might as well be receiving shock therapy while massive amounts of drool seeps from your mouth. You are not able to escape because, in order for western medicine to believe that their chemicals created for profit, are either working or not working, you have to hold out through this insanity for the full 30 days. I am at this period, currently, without the medication. I just am. I am neither here nor there. I am not up or down. I could be going left or right. I am not leaning towards black or white. I am grey.

Again, I don’t expect any understanding, other than within my own self. Again, this is my own journal. I hope when writing it down that it itself would be a feeling or an emotion. I am sitting back observing. I am sitting back learning. I am sitting back and listening. I am good. I invite you to do the same and only then will you find your calm.

CAN YOU RELATE?

Brown Eyed Girl

Photo by Alejandro Quintanar on Pexels.com

I am feeling you strongly, today. Wondering during a time of solace, what are you working on with your hands? The water is filling my eyes and I cannot get it together. I am bawling, but I do not have sadness. They are tears of pure admiration for you. My appreciation for you; overwhelming my sense, my water. Grab your hanky out of your back pocket before you drip on your Kindle. Grab a refill because it is not going to get any easier.

Others may not understand, but we have not questioned it. I only hear your voice but a couple time a year and see you less. However, I am somehow sitting here letting you know I am more than okay, but you already know this. It is the connection. It is the fact, we are both cussing out loud right now because the tears don’t stop falling. It is the reason for the title and the reason that song just played through my headphones. It is the reason you pulled me out of the river after I fell through the ice. It is only seeing your silhouette, in the sun, after you lifted the riding lawnmower off of me.

It is being in a mine with you at 6 am and you rescuing me with a Bobcat out of the muddy sink hole I seemed to not to be able to get out of due to over half my body under mud. Most recently, when you believed and trusted me. These are all the time you have kept me breathing. You have kept me alive.

Marble Quarry, Marble CO

(Insert pallet cleanser and my need to be funny when things are serous) If you have been following my posts, I recently told you that I get hurt in the stupidest of ways. (a.k.a. crazy and clumsy) You do not have to go back and read what I just said again, my past posts, that’s a requirement.

Yes, I fell through the ice of the Colorado River, in the middle of winter, at 4 or 5. At 9, I was ran over by a riding lawn mower. As you just read, we worked in a mine 7 years ago. I got stuck in a muddy sink hole, at the bottom of said mine pictured above. Except what you see is the top of the mine…. These moments are irrelevant. My subject matter, is the point. I needed to give said subject’s heart a break.

It’s the waking up to bison eating your tent, while a trip to Yellowstone. It is a Snicker’s bar staying, on a bumper, the entire state of Idaho. It is the Kumbaya’s, in South Dakota. It is the countless hours of free throws you made me shoot, or learning to shoot from the hip because you loved Peter Maravich and One on One. It is shooting a pop can with a .22 and cat fishing at 2 or 3 am. It is the elk kicking the car window, in on us. It is trekking through the snow with you to cut the family Christmas tree. It is swimming in the Atlantic and watching your hat take, its own journey. It is fossil hunting across the country. I am indulging in all the happiness re-living this has all been. Memories that are not even 25% of what you have taught us throughout life. People reading this, most likely thinking I am just using my imagination to fluff my post for view. We know better. However, these were my experiences provided to me while growing up. This is only a summary of the connection I share

It is “Ray Charles,” 😀 and Fleetwood Mac. It is Air Supply, Laura Branigan, REO Speedwagon, Van Morrison, Love Hurts and I Can See Clearly Now or watching me play one of my solos. You see I think very highly of you. I hope I have given you something to be proud of. I know I have made it hard and have struggled, you’re still liking every post. I have been silent because I have not had words for the gratitude and appreciation I have. Then, now and, in the future.

Dad, I love you!

Me and the pops

P.S. Thanks for being weird and preparing us for this exact moment. You did so by reading us Little House on the Prairie, by kerosene lamp and cooking on the same stove you heated our beds up at night with. All the time, while the oven was turned on and the electricity shining bright. I have a new found gratitude and appreciate for you and your salty chocolate pancakes.

Love, T

Love, T

The Stars Are A Part of the Universe Too

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

I promise I’m gonna love you ’til my dying day
Wake up, your face in my chest
Your favorite hiding place
The roof is gone as we’re driving out the private gate
Counting the stars with our last name on the license plate
Whoa, oh, oh, oh

Forever-Justin Bieber, Post Malone and Clever

It’s rare you find a lyric you love in the 3rd verse and spat out by the unknown. I appreciate it. I wasn’t going to write to you today. I mean obviously, I did previously, but not just my usual what’s going hey, every day crazy portrayed through my words. I have been focusing on a daily meditation entry post, as well as submitting a different story, until I have written seven.

I was feeling super tired today between watching my self improvement videos, typing up multiple post, as well as, purchasing my domain to start making moves. This felt fucking great! Another check off my bucket list of intentions. It is becoming harder and harder to deny the power of mindfulness and positive daily affirmations. Omitting a sense of being on top of the world. I have improved myself today and I can not help to feel a sense of accomplishment. Accomplishments need to be written down, otherwise, lifetimes later when you need to remember an accomplishment to write a story for an assignment that you may your struggle not be so damn difficult.

I have been linking or talking about the Aaron Doughty YouTube videos I have been feverishly consuming. I choose not to ignore that is who I am vibing with, at the moment and the need to change that is absent. I am feeling good mentally just tired and decided enough of the “work,” I have done today. It is exhausting. I also have been talking about a shift in the universe that we are currently experiencing. Naturally, I would soon turn to Astrology for a new perspective.

I decided upon a Tarot reading for the end of March for Cancers. No surprises, any further. I knew back in December that my own universe was changing for a lack of a better phrase. You do now how I love my cliches. Things started becoming obvious to me. I hate saying the word “signs,” but that is exactly what they were. Prior to this moment, I would have ignored everything that had been presenting itself to me. I would still be stuck in the same cycle that becomes a staple reference.

There is not a need for me to share the video this time. Even though, I keep telling you how real I am trying to be with myself. This is exactly it. It is my own personal viewing. The reason I even mention this because like myself, most of you have more time on your hands, lately. Take a moment and do a good ole college try at doing a daily, weekly or monthly Tarot reading on Youtube and search your Astrological sign. You may find some unexpected peace or an unexpected answer. Science. Facts. Proof. The stars are also giving you tools. Even if for pure entertainment purposes, Google search it. You spend more time hitting the middle predictive text to find your glamour shot than you would this. Maybe you extroverts will have a new found hobby or interest during a time of solitude.

Happy searching! Be Kind and I appreciate you!

Story #3

It’s bullshit I still have 4 more of these to go 😀

I cause so much of my own anxieties. Did I say that right? Did I make sense? Was that the right thing to say? What if I stutter? What if i stumble over my words? What are they looking at? Am I giving enough eye contact? Do I have something in my teeth? How does my breath smell? What you just witnessed was my thought process during a one minute conversation with another human.

I have been in desperate to need to gain focus and to be able to be more present with just simple basic human interaction. If I continue to try to pull from my traumatized memory I will never complete this exercise. Technically, this is not even a story based off a successful accomplishment where I had fun, but there are no rules. My thoughts and writings are a story. My Story…. So I am pulling the memories from my current bank of thought where I have come to find more value in myself.

No one just chooses to just focus on being focused. It then becomes an oxymoron. One can not just simply focus solely on focusing on focus because one would then lose focus. That’s hilarious! Yes, I’m laughing at myself. So I had to approach learning to focus better with caution.

Environment controls so much of your focus, as does your current mood. In order for me to be able to narrow 10 thoughts down to a couple I had to learn mindfulness. I am practicing this because I downloaded Headspace. I can not and will not stop talking up Headspace. Go get it! I spent 10 minutes every day, repeating, if necessary, the basics of mindfulness. Breathe and feelings, breathe and feelings, breath and feelings…

SENSATIONS

With this I set the intention to just start focusing on reality and what was physically there. If I left it up to my mind, we would be going through the same 360 degree rabbit hole and I would be nowhere close to where I am going.

I don’t really need to discuss the outcome, in this situation. If you have been reading my blog then you have already been given the facts. I have given you the proof that my focused has increased. I have been living more in the present than in the past. My writing to you every day is an example. Go read my first blogs then bring your focus back to my more recent posts. Have my thoughts began to make sense? Are my points more valid? Are you following my meditation entries? Most importantly, have you noticed the difference in my mental health? I have and that is all that matters, in the end. This was my win for the day! 😀

https://adoughty44.clickfunnels.com/launch-page-232266194

P.S. I took this while in the middle of typing this post. I was listening to one of Aaron Doughty’s YouTube videos and the link above was the result of that quiz.