We Stop Looking Once We Find It. Look at me, having accountability :). 2 days, in a row, that is unheard of for me.
Today, on my morning coffee talk, I told my usual dad joke after saying, “I have nothing profound to say.” Ironically, the joke itself became what was actually my words of wisdom for the day.
The joke was as follows: “Why is it when we are looking for something that it is always in the last place we look? The answer is because we stop looking once we find it.”
So apply that to life is to realize when you stop searching the answer will come. To be at peace with whatever is meant to be for you will simply find you.
Evan I am writing these words, I received a phone call and was needing to look for something. It was in the last pile of paper I needed to touch, on the bottom. The answer was once again when I stopped looking. Okay spirit, I am listening. We stop looking once we find it.
That in itself being my words of wisdom for you, today.
It’s always the darkest before the dawn. How fitting. For a little over a year now, I have been sitting, in a period of my darkest struggles.
I began this journey with an instinctual feeling of needing major change, to my life. Knowing, I had spent a lifetime, figuratively speaking, knowing I had not yet lived. An, opinion only of my own.
I lived a pessimistic mindset, in my past. A mindset that controlled my decisions. I had felt I had deserved all the traumas, I have experienced and don’t talk about. A balancing of karmas, so to speak. Little did I know how true that sentence, actually was. How much power it carried.
In the past, it was me sarcastically explaining the negative experiences, I had endured. Laughing them off, and not healing them. A behavior I use, as a coping mechanism, for the awkward moments, in life. The moments when I feel most uncomfortable. When I am completely exposed. The moments of being vulnerable.
Going back to the past year and a half-ish, I mean, I have been stuck or stagnant. I was blocked. I had a tremendous amounts of experiences than I ever felt I could handle. It happened so quickly. You know, those vulnerable moments I was explaining? The majority “not so fucking great!” However, it is the perspective of my pessimistic ego.
The minority, is from my perspective, of NOW, in the present moment. From the present moment, I have the most abundance I have ever had, in my entire life. I have thrived beyond measures, mentally and emotionally. Because of one choice, one decision, and one blink of the eye.
I chose to trust, all that was presented. Those lessons, I referred to last post. A change to perspective. The major change I felt I needed for years. It really is that simple, but this is my journey. Yes, you have the same choice, but your journey and experiences will be different.
I would do it, over and over again, if it meant to once again feel internal peace. My soul remembered. To feel what I do, right now, I would do it over and over again. All of the lessons were the abundance I am receiving. I have gratitude, for the bee. I found the dawn after the dark because “it’s always the darkest before the dawn.”
I am going to begin free writing and see what path we may go on together. I felt forced to write only if I had a subject. My thoughts are led by my mind and an idea, ego driven and with not the right intention. My true intention becomes clear only if I allow my words to flow freely through my heart.
One does not just start free writing without an idea. I have to start somewhere. One would think this would not be challenging for an overthinker. The gibberish should just start flowing. Free writing is about not having limitations and yet I still feel like I need a forced subject. How ridiculous my ego is. I make my life so fucking difficult all of the time, but for what?
The Ego Doesn’t Allow Free Writing
My struggle isn’t acceptance and self-love though it may seem. What my soul represents will still put others above being my best self, why? Why did I choose this path?
My focus for so long has been what I don’t have. What I’m not doing is consuming my ego, as it wishes for me to experience every second my heart beats. The need for control. The need for acceptance is overpowering me, as it has as long as I can remember. A stipulation I have placed on my own self. An expectation, meant to be impossible to feed my ego’s desires to give in.
It’s comparable to a virus. Or better yet, the mucus blob seen in the Mucinex commercials mischievously trying to implant itself on your cells. A virus attacking the immune system until you have no choice to give into the sickness. This time it is not our immune system. It is our own mental health overtaken by the dark side. A place Vader never was able to escape. Mucinex is to that blob as ebb is to flow. A necessary evil to restore balance to all.
When you start to awaken you begin to realize that every single moment of your life is a choice. While our odds are stacked pretty high, there is a 50/50 chance, we will choose the same “50,” every time. We do that because it is easier. It is routine. It is what the ego has tricked our own mind to think we should do every time we run into this same scenario based on fear. What we fail to realize is, we would not have to relive that same scenario a 100 times picking the same 50, if we would take just a brief moment to stop and pick the other 50. That other “50,” represents the human mind’s ideal of the grass is greener on the other side.
Unless we become aware of the lesson attempting to be shown to us, however, we will never escape the never ending cycle. Let me make something clear, however, though you make the choice to pick the other 50, the grass may not be, in fact greener.
However, free writing, will have an answer to both sides. It is where the “lesson” and the ultimate choice plays a part. It will then just be a choice whether or not you want a 1lb of shit, on one side of the scale, or if you would like 1lb of gold, on the other side. Regardless, a pound is a pound, but you have a better understanding of which “50,” is the pile of shit you no longer wish to live through. I made a choice to use free writing today. Maybe that was the other 50 I chose for myself.
As life continues, so does the shifts in energy. As time is non-existent, I think to myself, my reality is more dream like than a true existence in the human form. The more I continue, on this journey to find my treasure,(myself) the more life seems like a trip on the blue pill sending me down-ward on the spiral to my own wonderland.
A rabbit hole, symbolic to my own chase. I am fearful, of an ending because it would be a reality, of a purpose stuck on the tracks of its own cycle.
The fear can be stopped by making a choice to never stop dreaming and becoming the best version of yourself. If you do make the choice of stopping to believe you will then let the rabbit hole control you, in a way that you forget your journey never ends, but will continue spiraling down. When all along you can change the direction of your spiral just by looking up.
The shadows don’t exist in the sky. They exist below. Just like the afterglow, of an ember fighting to breathe when everything else, in the fire, has turned to ash.
Your soul is the gateway to your heart Your mind the gatekeeper A free spirit but controlled by experience The soul lives within the shell of infinite madness When we fall in love, do we nurture the vibration? When we hurt, have you lost part of what only you know? Do they work together to control the energy? Your vibration looking for its mate While heart say it is love
Your mind tells the ego, no If you stop looking the heart prevails If you overthink, you have talked yourself out of an answer Does your heart feel? Does your mind think? What is in control?
The soul is the driver of your life and not this physical being you call home We do not leave this body when our last breath is taken, but when it has changed its path The soul learned from your mind The soul learned from your heart but yet it is never connected
I watch from above And I watch from afar I have only just begun to breathe Because my soul needs no one
IT’S PURPOSE SHOWN
Your soul has a contract that is chosen by you. Meaning, I am learning through research that we pick our so called, “battles” before we are ever born on earth. To be in love, is to find the one that matches your vibration. The struggles you experience were a choice you made, so that you may learn a certain lesson to find your best self. Only now, am I starting to view the lessons as blessings, instead of lessons being misery. My soul had high expectations for itself, as does my own vibration.
I am sitting here listening to the music flowing into my ears, contemplating the lessons of life by facing darkness. The lessons of 2020, on my mind. There is a lack of acceptance of all of the healing that has occurred, in my heart, mind and soul. I preach that everything in life needs practice and I never follow this path for myself.
I am always questioning and overthinking. The woman I’ve become shaped by the experiences. With all of the sadness and unhappiness I have spent years living in, I have come to realize I have been poisoning, my own mindset with negativity. I have lived in a darkness only I can explain and it is my darkness and mine alone. As your darkness would be yours.
It is in a space of loneliness that I have created within my mind and not through reality of life, that I learn these lessons. Time is fluid. It is never too late to make a choice to begin your own path of self-discovery, as it becomes the true meaning of life.
” You can’t rush your healing.”
For me, I am now realizing I am spending the time, healing a soul I have spent years neglecting. She is awakened.
I feel like I always do this. I go and go, pushing all of me to a limit I never want to be at. This action causes a burnout internally similar to a sugar rush or a caffeine high and the comedown. The “comedown,” synonymous with the drugs and loss of a high.
The balance within myself is what I am questioning. With every activity, I gain interest in, I get that high then I give up. I no longer feel I have to put in the work to maintain the “high.” Just like with everything else and as cliche as it sounds, all you have to do is try. Trying is the maintenance necessary to keep rising up. It is the release of stagnancy most of us live with because of routine. A fear of change.
For me, there has not been the routine. There has not been the patterns that my small mind thrives on. I am lacking discipline. I am lacking the try. I have not figured it out so I am just going to write it out. Maybe you can relate? Maybe your words will be the answer to show my ego that it is time to take ownership of my own feelings.
I am trusting and believing more and more every day. Whether it is in the collective universe, in manifestation, spirit, in myself or in you. A puzzle piece fitting in the right place, at random. The right place at the right time. A thought meant to be.
I stopping calling my life experiences, weird. I stopped thinking I was a weirdo, in a world, meant for all.
Once again, I am sitting here. I am surrounded by an energy that brings such peace. I vibe with music, my thoughts, people and you.
It is a place I set my vibration for the day. It is a place I dance. It is a place with so many memories, already. It is a place I watch the bees.
I am currently, sitting with a variety of notes playing into my ears. I have a realization that I am not in a block from meditation, but just changing the location I meditate. I changed the location of where I release my thoughts and emotions back to the universe.
Change is inevitable when you choose to recognize the truth, or your intuition. Your awareness of people and events is not always a negative, but more lessons on how I would like to live life. Thank you for helping me to recognize beauty, in a world full of darkness.