Darkest Before the Dawn

It’s always the darkest before the dawn. https://soundcloud.com/tara-hines/come-back-home-petey-martin-lauren-daigle-remix

It’s Always the Darkest Before the Dawn

It’s always the darkest before the dawn. How fitting. For a little over a year now, I have been sitting, in a period of my darkest struggles.

I began this journey with an instinctual feeling of needing major change, to my life. Knowing, I had spent a lifetime, figuratively speaking, knowing I had not yet lived. An, opinion only of my own.

I lived a pessimistic mindset, in my past. A mindset that controlled my decisions. I had felt I had deserved all the traumas, I have experienced and don’t talk about. A balancing of karmas, so to speak. Little did I know how true that sentence, actually was. How much power it carried.

In the past, it was me sarcastically explaining the negative experiences, I had endured. Laughing them off, and not healing them. A behavior I use, as a coping mechanism, for the awkward moments, in life. The moments when I feel most uncomfortable. When I am completely exposed. The moments of being vulnerable.

Going back to the past year and a half-ish, I mean, I have been stuck or stagnant. I was blocked. I had a tremendous amounts of experiences than I ever felt I could handle. It happened so quickly. You know, those vulnerable moments I was explaining? The majority “not so fucking great!” However, it is the perspective of my pessimistic ego.

The minority, is from my perspective, of NOW, in the present moment. From the present moment, I have the most abundance I have ever had, in my entire life. I have thrived beyond measures, mentally and emotionally. Because of one choice, one decision, and one blink of the eye.

I chose to trust, all that was presented. Those lessons, I referred to last post. A change to perspective. The major change I felt I needed for years. It really is that simple, but this is my journey. Yes, you have the same choice, but your journey and experiences will be different.

I would do it, over and over again, if it meant to once again feel internal peace. My soul remembered. To feel what I do, right now, I would do it over and over again. All of the lessons were the abundance I am receiving. I have gratitude, for the bee. I found the dawn after the dark because “it’s always the darkest before the dawn.”

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Free Writing About The Reflection

Reflections are everywhere light can be seen.

I am going to begin free writing and see what path we may go on together. I felt forced to write only if I had a subject. My thoughts are led by my mind and an idea, ego driven and with not the right intention. My true intention becomes clear only if I allow my words to flow freely through my heart.

One does not just start free writing without an idea. I have to start somewhere. One would think this would not be challenging for an overthinker. The gibberish should just start flowing. Free writing is about not having limitations and yet I still feel like I need a forced subject. How ridiculous my ego is. I make my life so fucking difficult all of the time, but for what?

The Ego Doesn’t Allow Free Writing

My struggle isn’t acceptance and self-love though it may seem. What my soul represents will still put others above being my best self, why? Why did I choose this path?

My focus for so long has been what I don’t have. What I’m not doing is consuming my ego, as it wishes for me to experience every second my heart beats. The need for control. The need for acceptance is overpowering me, as it has as long as I can remember. A stipulation I have placed on my own self. An expectation, meant to be impossible to feed my ego’s desires to give in.

It’s comparable to a virus. Or better yet, the mucus blob seen in the Mucinex commercials mischievously trying to implant itself on your cells. A virus attacking the immune system until you have no choice to give into the sickness. This time it is not our immune system. It is our own mental health overtaken by the dark side. A place Vader never was able to escape. Mucinex is to that blob as ebb is to flow. A necessary evil to restore balance to all.

The Yin and Yang

When you start to awaken you begin to realize that every single moment of your life is a choice. While our odds are stacked pretty high, there is a 50/50 chance, we will choose the same “50,” every time. We do that because it is easier. It is routine. It is what the ego has tricked our own mind to think we should do every time we run into this same scenario based on fear. What we fail to realize is, we would not have to relive that same scenario a 100 times picking the same 50, if we would take just a brief moment to stop and pick the other 50. That other “50,” represents the human mind’s ideal of the grass is greener on the other side.

Unless we become aware of the lesson attempting to be shown to us, however, we will never escape the never ending cycle. Let me make something clear, however, though you make the choice to pick the other 50, the grass may not be, in fact greener.

However, free writing, will have an answer to both sides. It is where the “lesson” and the ultimate choice plays a part. It will then just be a choice whether or not you want a 1lb of shit, on one side of the scale, or if you would like 1lb of gold, on the other side. Regardless, a pound is a pound, but you have a better understanding of which “50,” is the pile of shit you no longer wish to live through. I made a choice to use free writing today. Maybe that was the other 50 I chose for myself.

Mirror- Madison Ryann Ward
Free writing about the reflections

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My Absence Is the “Meaning Of Life”

Meaning of Life

I am having a realization. The answer to the “meaning of life,” can only be defined by philosophy. This is why the answer to this question, creates the chaotic pattern of overthinking.

The answer to life, can not be defined, for everyone. Our ego can bring an answer by making a choice and not by what science would theorize. We are looking at the wrong science for the answer. A pattern or cycle is the reason we do this. A pattern or cycle we chose for ourselves.

The answer is personal. What you make of it is the definition of life, itself. You create your own answer. The meaning of life is your own journey.

Here I am, one year later, still talking about journeys and patterns. The same journeys and patterns controlled by your own overthinking. Causing the chaos you so desperately want a release from. The difference for me, in the present, is my emotion towards it all that is defined by my own…

Meaning of Life

The said definition of life can not be absolute, as we are conditioned to think or taught. The reason is we are the creator, through a journey determined by free will. Our own free will.

The peace, we all seek or; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow we are determined to prove that the grass is greener on the other side, is simply the “meaning of life.” Your meaning of life, your journey.

It is what it is…

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The AFTERGLOW, Of An Ember Fighting To Breathe When Everything Else Has Turned To Ash.

The shadows do not exist, in the sky. They only exist below. Just like the afterglow, of an ember fighting to breathe when everything else, in the fire, has turned to ash.

The afterglow. As life continues, so does the shifts in energy. As time is non-existent, I think to myself, my reality is more dream like than a true existence in the human form. The more I continue, on this journey to find my treasure,(myself) the more life seems like a trip on the blue pill sending me down-ward on the spiral to my own wonderland.

A rabbit hole, symbolic to my own chase. I am fearful, of an ending because it would be a reality, of a purpose stuck on the tracks of its own cycle.

The afterglow

The fear can be stopped by making a choice to never stop dreaming and becoming the best version of yourself. If you do make the choice of stopping to believe you will then let the rabbit hole control you, in a way that you forget your journey never ends, but will continue spiraling down. When all along you can change the direction of your spiral just by looking up.

The shadows don’t exist in the sky. They exist below. Just like the afterglow, of an ember fighting to breathe when everything else, in the fire, has turned to ash.

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The Soul Has A Contract and If Unfollowed Will Always Return With Chaos

The soul has a contract that is chosen by you. Meaning, I am learning through research that we pick our so called, “battles” before we are ever born on earth. To be in love, is to find the one that matches your vibration. The struggles you experience were a choice you made, so that you may learn a certain lesson to find your best self.

Only now, am I starting to view the lessons as blessings, instead of lessons being misery. My soul had high expectations for itself, as does my own vibration.

However, we still pick the contract. We still pick our journey whether we operate with free will or not. We are still responsible for our choices in life. The same choices that shape how we choose to live. We are so quick to blame, but we, as in your soul and ego are in charge of the operation.

Be more responsible with your choices. Make choices with integrity. Always do your best. This is all you can do, but I will promise you, you will be rewarded in the end. Only if you make the choice.

The Soul Contract

Your soul is the gateway to your heart
Your mind the gatekeeper
A free spirit but controlled by experience
The soul lives within the shell of infinite madness
When we fall in love, do we nurture the vibration?
When we hurt, have you lost part of what only you know?
Do they work together to control the energy?
Your vibration looking for its mate
While heart say it is love
Your mind tells the ego, no
If you stop looking the heart prevails
If you overthink, you have talked yourself out of an answer
Does your heart feel?
Does your mind think?
What is in control?
The soul is the driver of your life
and not this physical being you call home
We do not leave this body when our last breath is taken,
but when it has changed its path
The soul learned from your mind
The soul learned from your heart
but yet it is never connected
I watch from above
And I watch from afar
I have only just begun to breathe
Because my soul needs no one



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Let It Be. The Tower Moment, I Learned To Accept

As I felt, the months went on and eventually became funny

Here I am writing, once again, in the last few pages of my, “Notebook.” The notebook that started this all. There is roughly two weeks left in 2020 and individually it has been a historic year for each and every one of us. That is one aspect, there is no room for argument. I sit here, high and laughing at the cover of my journal that you see above.

As Covid-19 happened, as my my life changed. As quarantine happened, so did the big events that I experienced, in 2020. I documented those experiences for you each month. It eventually became WTF 2020! My own indication of all of your experiences, throughout the year.

My habits changed with the seasons, as I learned more and more about, “My Secret.”

As the energy changed, in the universe, so did all the Shadow work I was to endure. The mirror image of myself I needed to face and accept.

I began this year telling you that it was just me deciding to act with 100 percent honesty and integrity. It has now evolved. What it is and continues to be, is so much more.

I was hard on myself for taking breaks with writing. However, I never stopped writing. Just because it was not, in this journal, or typed through this blog does not mean I was not writing. I was writing to you on social media, at times.

I never stopped sharing my truths with you. A lesson in self-acceptance. What did change was my methods of expression as I learned from the lessons in my life that I have allowed to drown my soul for way too long.

Let It Be. The Tower Moment…

As of late, my method of expression has been through my music. I have been sharing my love and passion for music. Whether it is a great work playlist to make my homies dance and feel my vibe.

Let It Be, that I mixed from the Across the Universe soundtrack. It took me back to the church, on base, that got me through the mind fuck I was experiencing, at the moment. It soothed a part of my soul. I have shared my version below.

The same soul that you have been witnessed going crazy and fully chaos. It is the same soul writing to you now. My entire spiritual journey, you have witnessed. If you were to go back and read my blog from the beginning to this post, I am writing currently. You would read it, as I intended.

You will then see. If you take a peek, at any of my social media, you would hear my writing, instead of reading it. You have witnessed this journey, through every single song I have shared with you and why I listened to Justin Bieber’s “Forever,” 342 times this year.

There was all my good mornings and sharing of how much I was actually walking. All of this, a method of making a choice to alter my own patterns.

Let It Be. The Tower Moment…

Every word, action, sharing of, my advice were all methods of sharing my journey with you. It was me living, my life, exactly how I have wanted it to be. Manifesting my dreams into action just by intention of the vibe I give to all of you.

I used the Secret, in front of your eyes. I practiced and provided a tool to add to your own tool belt of spiritual “Mmm,” shown to you.

Like the lotus I paid attention and something magical started to happen. My secret start to influence many. Many of you, joining me, in my ocean of spiritual growth.

It has been beautiful to watch so many of you to finally see a glimpse of light within yourselves, for the first time, in so long. Many of you started to blossom out of the muddy waters, as the lotus does.

Your strength is noticed. Your growth and your beauty, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE is also noticed. Thank you for riding my wave with me.

It is time. I am ready. It is now my new beginning. It is time to evolve together.


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Emotionally Stability

Emotional stability is not when I am cut off emotionally, from someone and heart feels a hurt that can not be described. You can stop loving me and it would have less of an effect than cutting me off emotionally. This is what causes the tears to flow from my eyes, as a different sense of aloneness sets in. My worth becomes challenged and my purpose doubted.

“Heal you. Therefore, your energy can assist those with who need healing inside with their emotions.”

Someone’s emotional separation from an empath, is a silent but deadly killer. A codependency developed because I no longer care. I don’t look at what the next reaction may or may not be because there was no follow through with action.

My is love is unconditional. My compassion exceeds a need for emotional stability. I thrive, on the feelings, of looking at someone’s soul through their eyes of outwardly reflection.

Hate can be overturned by love. Selfishness cured by giving. A sadness overlooked by a smile that brings happiness. As an individual emotion, all is balanced. Emotions, as a collective can not be replaced. Therefore, one’s emotional well-being is determined by the individual emotions that may be only temporary. We base so much suffering on temporary emotions.

Emotional Stability

“Why not change the whole, by the little steps. Instead of, looking at the staircase, as unreachable?”

These are my messages for whomever needs to hear them and my thoughts, in the present.

Everything takes work because everything takes practice

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“In Your Eyes,” I Feel What You Feel

Staring into someone else’s eyes will allow you to feel the emotions they are not saying. It is a journey into their soul that guides us to better understand when you have nothing to say. Not everyone has the ability to speak emotions, so take the time to read when the silence is all you have.

This is both a blessing and curse for empaths, but eventually you learn to make it work, for yourself. As you should would everything, in life. The silence can often be deadly because we have the ability to feel it anyways. Also, always feeling people is incredibly overwhelming and draining, at all times.

I have been making new mixes daily. Here is the latest. Please feel free to comment below and let me know what you think.

Original Song : In Your Eyes by Nora En Pure

Now by mixing the original’s song layer, on top of itself, the whole vibe of the song can change. Here is my mix, as well as the downloadable MP3.

In Your Eyes

Video mix of the two layers

I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to see the world through my emotions and eyes. I appreciate you and am grateful for you!

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Contemplating the Lessons of Life

Contemplating the lessons of life. I am sitting here listening to the music flowing into my ears, contemplating the lessons of life by facing darkness. The lessons of 2020, on my mind. There is a lack of acceptance of all of the healing that has occurred, in my heart, mind and soul. I preach that everything in life needs practice and I never follow this path for myself.

I am always questioning and overthinking. The woman I’ve become shaped by the experiences. With all of the sadness and unhappiness I have spent years living in, I have come to realize I have been poisoning, my own mindset with negativity. I have lived in a darkness only I can explain and it is my darkness and mine alone. As your darkness would be yours.

It is in a space of loneliness that I have created within my mind and not through reality of life, that I learn these lessons. Time is fluid. It is never too late to make a choice to begin your own path of self-discovery, as it becomes the true meaning of life.

” You can’t rush your healing.”

-Trevor Hall-

For me, I am now realizing I am spending the time, healing a soul I have spent years neglecting. She is awakened.

Contemplating the lessons of life

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We all become a little unbalanced within our soul.

Unsteady, I feel like I am always feeling this. I go and go, pushing all of me to a limit I never want to be at. This action causes a burnout internally similar to a sugar rush or a caffeine high and the comedown. The “comedown,” synonymous with the drugs and loss of a high.

Unsteady, the balance within myself is what I am questioning. With every activity, I gain interest in, I get that high then I give up. I no longer feel I have to put in the work to maintain the “high.” Just like with everything else and as cliché as it sounds, all you have to do is try. Trying is the maintenance necessary to keep rising up. It is the release of stagnancy most of us live with because of routine. A fear of change.

For me, there has not been the routine. There has not been the patterns, that my small mind thrives on. I have a lack of discipline. My will to try is nonexistent. I have not figured it out so I am just going to write it out. Maybe, you can relate? Maybe, your words will be the answer to show my ego that it is time to take ownership of my own feelings.


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