I should learn that I have these manic moments, or what I would call the referenced above, “The United States of Tara,” episodes. Currently, I am facing one of my many fears. It has created the best environment time to write in. I have been on a creative high today, hence, the reason for the sudden balls of postings.
Now, I need to premise this with something. I could list all the diagnosis I have been given, at any point in my life. I’m not going to list them here because we are going to play a fun little game called “Guess my diagnosis.” So anytime you want to call out some bullshit moment for me. Tell me I am Bipolar, or Obsessive Compulsive, go right ahead. Everyone else, tells me that is the reason.
This is all about my journey. It is about going through each moment of the United States of Tara. I am not pretending to say I am an expert in anything. In fact, I will be constantly all over the place.
I am not doing this for self-gratification, other than to heal. We can learn together. What I actually suffer from does not define me. The many facets of the United States of Tara do not define me. However, we can sit here and determine whether I have made this all up or not. Maybe, you will read this and can relate. There is a possibility you are going through the same shit. I just want to help.
To say I am for everyone, would just cause another expectation I would be unable to live up to. I am so much!!! I am a lot. Any type of relationship with me is similar to being on a roller coaster. However, I still have so many lessons to learn. You can criticize me all you want, but you can not tell me how to feel.
Hello tower moment, old friend
I am going to be vague, at times. Especially, when it comes to my actual experiences. I will do my best and promise to act with full integrity. Keep in mind, this is just my beginning, as well. It is a social experiment for myself. I am at a crossroads, once again. Big Surprise! The last time, I remember, having my shit together was 10 years ago. Now, I am spiraling in a tornado of emotion and its time for me to grow up.
This is a free flow from my heart. Coward!, that is all I have been. I have been afraid to be happy. Hope and dreams, a figment of my imagination. Enough is enough.
I have been institutionalized. I have had multiple 72 hour holds. Yes, I have been in many different therapies. I could be taking on our wonderful world of healthcare for mental health, but there is nothing I can say to therapist/physician that I unable to say to you. The pills have been taken and the necessary skills learned. The breathing exercises, journaling, etc.
The one aspect, I can bring to the table are the coping mechanisms burned into my brain. I am unable to allow you to forget about the United of Tara and why it is the explanation for all the chaos.
Multiple Personalities !?
The United States of Tara (I am Buck, right now,) is a perfect way to describe this chapter. My demons are a laundry lists of my faults and mistakes. We’re on a mission to repair. If you’ve seen the show, enough said….
This is difficult to do. I mean to write your wave of emotions with complete vulnerability to the world. I can not even do it, in my own small circle. Emotions do not have rules. Writing does have rules. I do not give a fuck. So to all the English majors in my family, I know, but free will drives us all.
How do you list emotions with the proper punctuation? With the rules, is it than proper? I need to show I learned well in school, right?
Fuck you, Karen!
Why does life have to have many rules? I guarantee, when fire was being produced the Neanderthal man didn’t say, “I have to follow each step to make fire or I will not eat.” Life doesn’t work this way. Not one of us is the same. So why then do we bind ourselves to following the norm? Fucking man ate before fire was created. So why then is life driven by so many rules? Why do I always have to use the LEGO manual to build my end result?
Life is meant to be lived with imagination. LEGO (yes, the plural to LEGO, is in fact LEGO) are little pieces of ingredients meant to be used with your imagination, but yet we use a manual. Each individual person is an ingredient in life. That individual is responsible for their own recipe. The manual is the recipe.
Their United States of Tara
I am here to create my own recipe. You will hear the ingredients, at different times. It will all depend on my emotion. My feelings are something you all can not pretend to understand, but I know nothing else. This is me applying those coping skills referenced above :). Just like the therapy scale of smiley faces. “How are you feeling?”
WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT!!!
Religion provided the Ten Commandments, the first rules. The Ten Commandments, then helped shape the criminal justice system basis. I mean eye for an eye. Weird right? Not really, you do not pay enough attention. You are not paying attention because you are following the rules. Let’s go ahead and move into the government from here. Followed by education and money, got the point, yet?
When building your city in SIM CITY TM, where did you start? Oh shit! The beginning, did not start by being regulated by modern societal rules. What were your first buildings? Ironically, you were just mind-fucked. Think even smaller, though. You developed your city based on societal norms.
Through normalization of society, in its own chaos. The difference, you probably built your house first. An aspect to life you have complete control over. However, your life is controlled by the overall picture and not the house you built.
WeLcOme To My LiFe, ladies and gents!
My name is Tara. The Tara you know. Let me show you the Tara I know. If you know your history then you know I’ve been all around the world and now I am going to explain.
Over my years of meditation on the goddess-Bodhisattva Tara, she has provided me with Refuge and, guiding star that she is, given me a direction by which to steer. I write this in the hope that others may also learn something of her friendly light. ( Tara in Buddhism)
the goddess Tara (Sanskrit: तारा, tārā) is the second of the Dasa (ten) Mahavidyas or “Great Wisdom goddesses“, and is a form of Shakti, the tantric manifestations of the goddess. The word ‘Tara’ is derived from the Sanskrit root ‘tṛ’, meaning to cross. In many other contemporary Indian languages, the word ‘tara’ also means star. (Hindu Tara)
Tara is a girl who is absolutely perfect and beautiful. She may be shy at first, but once you get to know her she could be friendly, crazy and loving. She supports all her friends and helps them through all their problems. Tara is a caring person and will always be there for someone. (Urban Dictionary)
Tara, has its origins in the Celtic language and it is used largely in English. It is literally from the word tara which is of the meaning ‘hill’. The first name is derived from the Irish place name ‘Teamhair na Rí’, translated to English as Hill of Tara; the place is located in County Meath, former seat of the high kings of Ireland and therefore known also as ‘Hill of the King’ (Celtic Tara)
In ancient Irish religion and mythology Temair was the sacred place of dwelling for the gods, and was the entrance to the otherworld. Saint Patrick is said to have come to Tara to confront the ancient religion of the pagans at its most powerful site. (Pagan Tara)
Needless to say I am not blind to my purpose.